Forgiving MIL.....is it possible and if so how?

[emmatmg]

Ok, before I start this will probably be long and rambleing so I'm apologise now.


It's my MIL. I posted my relationship with her all over this site but today I have realised that I will never be able to forgive her for the things she has said to me/about me and the for the way she has treated our DS's.

I have known for along time that she doesn't like me and I can live this that because TBh I hate her more than you can ever imagine. I discovered today one of the reason she doesn't like me is because of my upbringing/background. I'm simply not good enough, because I'm a "working class girl" and horror of all horrors from a council estate. IMO this is an appalling dig at my parents who did there very best for us. She has said some things to me once about my dad who died when I was 13 and a very very long time before she came into my life.
She hasn't seen the Ds's properly since ds3 was 5 months old (he'll be 2 in september). The only time she's "seen" them since then was when she walked passed us in the street and ignored them. Ds2 got abirthday card this year but he's the first one to get one in 2 yrs.
I've suspected for a long while that she will only be happy if me a DH split up and I can pretty much guarantee he will be written out of her will when she dies because I'm married to him (I've hold him I'd never divorce him even if he was unfaithful, as I'd never give her the satisfaction). I couldn't care less baout about her money, she can give it all to who ever she want but it does make me feel very angry on DH's behalf.


Anyway, things have happened today and I've realised that i'll never be able to forgive OR forget this and it scares me that I have so much hate, loathing and rage inside me. It really does scare me.

I don't know how to let it go and I think it's almost unhealthy for me to feel like this.

I was asked to be Godmather for my cousins baby recently and part of the service was to write on a piece of paper something/someone we need to forgive. I knew I should write her name and I just couldn't do it. That really shocked me.

I've told Dh that I don't want her in my life or the Ds's and he accepts that, so really I should be Ok and pleased(I haven't said he can't see her btw, he just hasn't). It just eats away at me and make me feel like shit.

I'm not sure if there any advice you can give that will make me get through this mess but I just wanted to see it in black and white in the hope that it might help.

It hasn't though.


(i@m not going to preview this, so is there any typos, I'm sorry)

[fabwife]

Hi- I have been at the receiving end of a lot of spite from step-mother which traumatised my childhood. I also found MIL relationship very hard initially and it caused resentment against my dh. I have now got used to MIL and although am sorry she is not my warm fantasy MIL, can value what she gives to family.
Saw parents recently after moving to a new house - step's initial remark was "this is a tip", followed up by "next door's garden tidier", was this pregnancy a "mistake", I am "huge", coffee mugs "big jugs" and piece de resistance - husband "not man enough to conceive boy".
This is making laugh as I type - not so long ago I would have been in abject rage followed by huge crying jag and feeling of absolute worthlessness.
She suddenly just appeared a rather sad, mean, spiteful old woman with an entirely joyless life......I on the other hand have husband I adore, beautiful children and another on the way, a beautiful house in idyllic village (ok house could be tidier but we see it as friendly clutter), and she can't touch me now as I am profoundly happy.
I can't change awful past, or even awful her, but I do have some power over myself - she cannot really touch my world and she can only get inside my head and upset me if I choose to let her - I no longer choose to listen.

I so understand what it feels like to be eaten up with helpless rage, frustration at the awfulness of others and how easy it is to turn all that vileness in on oneself.......do not do it. Don't make any excuses for awful other person - they have severe problems but that actually is'nt your problem.
It can really help if you can talk to yourself as you would a much loved friend - you'd sympathise and support and then surround them with affection would'nt you?.....do the same for yourself and remember that these awful twisted types willnot be around forever - in teh meantime, see them for what they are then choose to mentally dismiss them.
I am sure that all of us who have been badly treated are much kinder and more generous people because of it - would we belittle anyone, deride our DIL's and cause schism in our families? We are probbaly carefulof other people feelings and that is the way it should be - just also be careful to recognise thtasome people are destructive and keep them at a distance for your own self-preservation.
Hope this has'nt been too long or too @goody@ - I really don't do forgiveness very well but this is about more than that I think- it's about our own self-respect and self-love.

[eemie]

Sorry, should have said, I did go for counselling and it helped a lot.

Towards the end of my pregnancy with my daughter I was unbearably distressed by MIL. I had an emergency session with the HV and then saw a counsellor at my GP practice. She saw me again for six sessions when dd was only a few weeks old and helped me to set boundaries with the woman.

After hearing the story the counsellor asked me, with some incredulity, why I was taking responsibility for trying to put things right with MIL. She helped me to stop doing that and look after myself and husband and daughter first.

She also helped me to understand in a way that I could not have managed on my own, so I second all the recommendations for getting help from an objective professional

HTH

[Listmaker]

I think what the others have written here is brilliantly said and very wise. I could cheerfully hate my exp for not contacting his dds for 4 years and not paying a penny in maintenance but how would that help? I have forced myself to let it go, to know that I am a better person than him and I will be happy and he won't. That's the ultimate revenge! My dds are also fine and receiving all the love I can give them. I have a new dp who is going to be a fantastic step-dad too.

His mother spent 30 years being eaten up with hate for his dad after he left her for someone else. She lived a half life because of it and it was so sad.

So seek counselling emma and try and learn to let it go. You are better than her and better off without her. She will be the one who loses out in not knowing her gs's and not seeing her own ds. She is a foolish, sad, pathetic woman. I found it easier to think that way about my ex. Rather than hate him I pity and despise him really.

Good luck!!

[emmatmg]

WOW!


Thankyou all so much.

When I'm honest with myself I know I'll never be able to welcome her into our lives again or forgive her even if she came begging for forgivness but I KNOW I have to do something so get myself out of this awful pit of rage and hatred.

I'm so unhealthy, and I can se it already picking away at mt life. DS1 asked why I was crying atthe weekend I I told him that it's because XXX(he calls her by her name, not nanny/nana etc) is very spitful and it makes me very mad. I felt awful for telling him that, he's only 6 and doesn't really need to know, he should be able to draw his own conclusions on her but he said " you know i don't like her either, mummy" and at myself.

I'll be logging off for the most of the day now as DH is home soon, but thankyou all so much I'll sneek a look later.

[throckenholt]

I haven't time to read the whole thread in detail - but it seems to me the problem is how it is making you feel.

So you probably need to have couselling to help get it all straight in your head and be able to not let it bother you.

Your past is your past, and not something you are ashamed of. If she has a problem then it is her problem and not something you should feel upset about.

Maybe you should tell DH that you feel this is bothering you more than it should (obviously more than it bothers him), and that you want to talk to an independent person who can help you put it in perspective.

[emily05]

Em - I got your cat - will e-mail you today. I agree with what bebejam says. Makes a lot of sense.
Hope that you are ok x

[bebejam]

There is a huge difference between reconcilliation and forgivness, and I think there is much confusion that the two need go hand in hand. In a lot of cases combining the two would be completely inappropriate.

It is possible to make the conscious willfull decision to forgive- but still dislike the person, not trust them, recognize that they are damaging to have in your life and thus keep them at a distance. Forgiveness does not mean allowing them to be in a position to keep hurting you or manipulating.

And it isn't a one time thing, it is a process, and it isn't easy... but it does beat turning into a bitter old prune yourself.

Forgivness is a lot about choosing not to dwell on and nurture the hate- it means reshaping how you think and takes as much mental discipline as say if you wanted to reshape your abs. :-) From a faith point of view, it also means handing all the garbage over to God (again a process) and trusting that he'll deal with it and with your MIL. Like eemie said, you're not responsible for her and you can't fix her- you just give that all over and let Him worry about it, so you don't have to anymore. (easy said, harder to do)

The thing is you focus on letting go of the hate and let healing thoughts replace angry ones. Your MIL sounds like a really twisted old bitch who is probably twisted because of hurt and bitterness she herself has hoarded up over the years. When the anger starts you seething, think of a way to turn your thoughts... i.e. she's a sad old bag, but if it wasn't for the sad old bag giving birth to your DH you wouldn't have him or your lovely children.. then turn your thoughts to how much they mean to you and how grateful you are they are yours.

It is easy to spout this stuff, but I know too personally how hard it is to shift those gears.

I hope you do find healing and some comfort.

[eemie]

emma, I've been through this too. I used to lie awake vibrating with tension, rage and frustration at my MIL's behaviour. My husband would just tell me to take no notice of her, as if that should be easy. Early on, he said 'she's just a stupid old woman'. I couldn't believe he could dismiss her so easily, but he could. I need not have dreaded her so much, she had no power to damage our relationship.

Later I realised that his ability to ignore her was an essential defence mechanism for him. That's how he managed to grow up in the same house with her and not turn into a monster himself. But he came to see that I couldn't make myself impervious in the same way - I hadn't had the years of practice.

I was still a christian when we married, though I had been struggling for some years against a loss of faith. My hatred of MIL and revulsion at the thought of trying to 'forgive' her was a crucial issue in all this turmoil. I could not feel that forgiveness would be healthy. It was more honest to stay angry - not raging with tension, but angry enough to be objective, resist her manipulations and keep her at a safe distance without guilt.

Sometimes a little guilt creeps in - if I think of her as a sad, lonely old woman which she undoubtedly is. But she brought that on herself, I'm not responsible for her and I can't fix it.

I wish you well

[mytwopenceworth]

i think you have been given spot on advice and some great insights into manspeak! but i would like to say that if it is possible, i would really advise you to let go of the hate.

my mum hates her inlaws. long story but basically they are sh*tty people who have done a lot of TERRIBLE things over many, many years, until a HUGE row and no contact for 15 years.

But. for those 15yrs, my mum obsessed about them. she hated them with all her energy. she talked about them all the time - starting sentences with "those people we dont talk about" (except thats ALL she talked about!!) her hate and anger ate away at her. it changed her. she used to be fun, funny, happy and now she's not. it made her bitter, aged her physically and affected her mentally and emotionally. they, on the other hand, went about their lives, oblivious and unaffected - my mum was the only one suffering!

what she wanted was for them to turn up and say "we are evil people, you are 100% right and we are wrong, we are so sorry for everything" and listen to her while she told them how much she hated them and why, then they agree that she is right to hate them and they deserve it!

never going to happen, but she couldnt let go of her need to have that and, like i say, it has literally ruined her. she is not the same person and it is so sad.

SHE is the person who was treated badly, yet she is the one in pain because of the power she has given them and the obsession she allowed to develop.

I just wouldnt want this to be you in a decade or so.

[anorak]

emma I completely understand where you're coming from. We are totally estranged from my dh's parents after they said some unforgivable things about all of us, including my 2 daughters from a previous relationship. I'm lucky in that my dh is more adamant than me about not ever having them in our life again. They send presents for our ds on his birthday and Christmas and my dh makes a point of delivering them to the hospital himself every Christmas. He just finished a year in therapy which followed a near breakdown. He's uncovered things about his childhood that he'd seen a different way for years. I think the reason I don't feel as you do is that I have seen my dh go through this and find the truth instead of burying his feelings so I know he's not covering anything up and I can rely on his 100% support. If we ever split up he says he'd still never speak to them again.

I have a problem with forgiveness too - I find that when I was younger I was far too forgiving and ended up being a doormat who was plagued with depression. I forgave everyone everything and put myself in a position where it was easy for my mother and ex-partners to abuse my good nature. One of the ways I healed myself from that was to be more careful with my forgiveness - it's a precious commodity and people have to earn it.

However, lots of people find a different experience with forgiveness and so I can only assume that the word means different things to different people. My advice to you would be to seek counselling yourself. Not in any way for your MIL but so that you can work through your feelings and find a resolution to your turbulent emotions for you. This may mean forgiving her, or not, but healing for you is the prime factor I'm thinking of.

[bebejam]

You don't sound like a loon at all emma. I'll tell you what's loony, it is 4:30am and I wasn't able to sleep as I was so worried about what was going on with you. (!!) That's a bit nutters, eh?

Well, now that I'm up I might as well ramble... Talking to someone like a vicar isn't a bad idea at all. Just some vicars, like some counsellors, are better than others at this sort of thing. I think most of people don't really understand the christian concept of forgiveness, including a lot of christians. Sometimes people make it out to me all mamby-pamby, and I think that misses the meaning completely.

There is this idea that to "forgive" someone is to mean that "they get off the hook" completely and the evil that has been done is all okay, and that you are now suppose to be a doormat. That's not it at all.

Forgiving someone just means that you willfully choose to give the power over your life to someone/something other than the pain and hate. It sounds like such a benevolent thing to do, but really it is somewhat a self-serving gesture as the effects of hate and rage will eat away at your own life before they even scathe your MIL.

Few years ago I had a family member do something so hurtful that over the following months my life came to a grinding halt. I was immobilized with rage and anger and grief and more rage. It got to the point where I was eating, sleeping and breathing the hate- if you know what I mean. It started to erode my marriage, I couldn't concentrate at work. It was almost unbearable. Then I heard a pastor give a talk on anger in a way I hadn't heard it explained before, and that helped me shift gears and start the process of healing and getting my sanity back. I could ramble on, but I need a second cup of tea so I'll trail off here. But in a word, it's not loony at all. And I know how sucky it is to be where you are, and my heart really goes out to you.

Actually, I should probably skip the tea and go back to bed shouldn't I?

[lilaclotus]

that's understandable. maybe you want to talk to someone neutral who'd be able to give advice on how to handle this peacefully.

[emmatmg]

I think I'm going to sound like a loon now but I feel like going to church and speaking to a/the vicar about it. See if he/she can un-tangle my head.


The thing is I'm not religious, never have been a practicing christian or anything but that really feels like a way to clear my haed.

I find it bizarre that I need to do that.

[emmatmg]

in my head.......even

[emmatmg]

Aloha, I think you just switched a switch in head head there.

That makes alot of sense.

[Pinotmum]

Aloha, your messge wasn't there when I typed by reply and then I read yours and it made so much more sense, honestly It's just a shame so many partners cannot express themselves and are then misunderstood which causes hurt.

[aloha]

And remember, her feelings and opinions are about her and her thoughts and experiences, not about you as a person.

[aloha]

But isn't it good that he isn't also consumed with pointless rage? He can see that his mother is stupid and thinks it is irrelevant to his life. It's no slur on you!

[aloha]

Pinotmum - I didn't mean you were wrong in your advice - just that I was smiling because that is so much my dh's style. It could honestly be him talking. I think I have learned to translate his 'manspeak'! (though sometimes it winds me up too!)

[emmatmg]

I think that's what worries me, lilaclotus.

I'm aware that it's unhealthy to feel this bad about someone but I just can't see away out of the rage.


Dh hasn't really helped with not seeing it like me either.

[Pinotmum]

I think Aloha speaks so much sense and it's just a shame your dh can't say it the way Aloha has really .

[aloha]

Actually Emmatbg - I can so easily imagine my husband saying EXACTLY the same thing as yours. And he wouldn't be in denial, he would mean it! Men can be very good at not being bothered by stuff that has us tied up in knots. To him, what his mother thinks of you IS unimportant and he DOESN'T care. It's irrelevant to what is important in his life - you and the children.

[aloha]

And don't let your feelings about your MIL make you angry with your husband! That really would be counter-productive and give her much more power than she should have in your life.

[Pinotmum]

I think perhaps your dh is in some sort of denial. He can't acknowledge his feelings, your feelings or his mother's feeling. I think as she plays no part in your lives then put her "to bed". I have issues with my mil but I now have decided not to let it make be bitter. My dh knows how I feel however he thinks I am too hard on her. I don't think he will ever see my point so I'm not letting it fester away in my head and ruin my marriage. If you can ever get your dh to speak about his childhood with her it may be enlightening. My dh can't remember much of his mum as she was too busy being a martyr for the catholic church

[aloha]

I don't think you should be upset by your partner's reaction, after all, hasn't he manage to achieve exactly what you want to achieve. Whatever she thinks does't bother him. He has risen above it. Whatever she thinks is unimportant to him, and of course, is unimportant. He doesn't care what his mother thinks of you as he is secure in loving you and has managed to grow up and leave her behind. This is all good stuff. Perhaps the key to losing some of this anger is to pity her because she has lost her son's respect, company and a lot of his love, as well as the pleasure of grandchildren simply because of her idiotic snobbery. How sad is that? You have kids, isn't this the worst future you could imagine? She can't harm you with her thoughts. Your husband isn't going to leave you or love you less because of what she thinks, your kids won't adore you any less and your friends won't be affected by it. The only person who is really harmed by all her ill-feeling is herself. I grew up in a council house myself and would just laugh at anyone who thought less of me because of it! It's so absurd. Would it help to think of her as a sad, weak creature who doesn't deserve so much of your emotional energy?