Family Loyalties Advice Needed Please

[Flashfried]

I have posted here several times about ExP, who has had massive problems with jealousy, insecurity and has been emotionally abusive. This has involved my mum and sister and also my DC.

Finally, as a result of his behaviour, we parted (I thought for good) and haven't seen one another for 2 months.

ExP has never admitted to being an abuser, until now. He hasn't been violent or done anything criminal but has prevented me living a normal life ie: working or having much contact outside of our relationship and I have allowed this to happen.

We have parted twice before and got back together without ever really resolving the situation with any proper outside help.

This time, he has (I believe) reached rock bottom and realised his behaviour was abusive and he has been talking to a private counsellor who is helping him come to terms with why he is the way he is. He has vowed to turn his life around.

I haven't made him any promises unless I see a definite change in him. I will carry on with my life, looking for a job and doing all the things with the DC's he wasn't happy with before.

He lives 30 minutes away, so it's possible for us to see one another and take things at my pace.

My real problem is my family (mum and sister) who have refused to have anything to do with me if I am in contact with him. ExP has asked to talk to them face to face to try and reslove the situation at least, so I am not torn between them. He is fully aware they will rip him to pieces but is willing to try but they absolutely refuse, saying it is pointless.

So, where do I go from here? I don't believe I would ever turn my back on loved ones, whether I agreed with their relationships or not. My sister and I had planned a Christmas trip with the DC's (which I would still like to do) but she says she doesn't want to do it with me now. I feel controlled all over again! How best to deal with this?

[startingovernow]

Flashfried, get the book & counselling for yourself. Your problems deffinately started way before exp. Creating problems between siblings, cutting you off etc.. are all signs of abusive behaviour.

I have a good relationship with my family now but I had to learn how to set healthy boundries & my family know now not to cross those.

[Flashfried]

Thanks startingovernow - I will indeed read the book you recommend and get myself some counselling. I had been attending a group course run by Women's Aid but somehow felt my situation wasn't nearly as bad as some who were there, so I stopped going.

My mum can be the kindest mum ever just as long as she is in agreement with whatever I or my sister are doing at any given time.

Isn't it strange to have reached the age of 47 (yes 47!!) and never really looked into these things? I always thought I was 'normal'!

[Flashfried]

Just one other point before I finally go to bed:

My mum and dad divorced when I was 10 and my sister 6. There were no explanations other than he had found someone else and neither of them talked to us children.

I have spent the last 30 odd years being reminded by my mum how useless he was (possibly he was but he was still my dad) and that I shouldn't be so accommodating/nice to him. I don't believe that's been a healthy environment to be raised in. My sister, on the other hand seemed to share my mum's view and didn't really give him the time of day. He is dead now but is still referred to in not very nice terms.

So more to think about in terms of my early years.

[Flashfried]

Please can I ask any of you who are still listening...

Is it OK for family to cut you out of their lives because they disagree with your relationships?

I want to maintain a happy/healthy contact with mine as much as is possible now.

[Flashfried]

Yes the children are in contact with their birth father.

[Flashfried]

And also to add, there has never been any physical abuse with exp.

[dizietsma]

The thing that concerns me about this is that your Ex has in the past tried to cut you off from your family. This is classic abuser behaviour, and I would be very wary of letting it happen again with him on the scene.

That said, your Mum and sister do sound controlling, even if they have your best interests at heart.

Perhaps what you could do is to tell him you need some time away from him to sort your head out and work out your family relationships without him complicating matters. If he's truly reformed he will understand and be patient.

In this time, a few months at least, I would suggest you speak to your own counsellor about your family relationships and your past abusive relationship with Ex and try to work out what you want from these relationships and your life in general, then put these findings to your family and Ex as non-negotiable. If you have doubts about the health of your family relationships, I would suggest the book Toxic Parents. As for your relationship with ex, check out Why Does He Do That.

It doesn't fill me with confidence that his counsellor has suggested joint counselling, it is not recommended for abusive relationships, so either the counsellor is bad at his/her job or he is not being honest about the abuse. This does not bode well for his recovery.

I'm also not very convinced about how much abusers can change. I don't think it's impossible, but it would take herculean effort and committment to a long period of therapy, and frankly most abusers are just not able to keep it up tong term. Also, recent studies have shown that abusers generally don't change with therapy, they simply learn to be better abusers and better at covering it up, so please keep that in the back of your mind.

Good luck.

[Ivykaty44]

you have to choose between your partner and your mum and sister?

Gosh that is a really hard position to be put in.

It sounds like your mother and sister are very frightened that you will go back to your ex and so by emotionaly blackmailing you it may make you stop and not go back to your ex.

I think you need to tell your mum and sister that emotionaly blackmailing you is really very cruel and ultimatley not a nice thing to do.

If you give up your ex and keep your mum and sister in your life - will they do this sort of thing gain to get you to act in the way that they want?