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Relationships

XP assaulted me and is now threatening to kill himself

53 replies

FeelSOsick · 04/09/2009 17:39

I haven't posted on MN in a long time because I was labelled a troll before but I really need some advice and I don't want to tell anyone in RL, so please don't just shout troll, I am genuine, I just need to get things straight in my head so I can decide how to move forward from this event that happened today.

OK, so the background is that my DS's dad was violent to me for many years but a year ago he hurt our son, I split with him and pressed charges, but beause of most of the really bad things he had done were over 6 months ago he only got probation.

Over the year my relationship with him has been up and down, against SS advice I still let him see his DS but only under my supervision as SS didn't have the capacity to do it for me, I don't know why but I just felt it was important that my DS know his dad so he can make up his own mind about him. he has been verbally abusive towards me meaning that every few months I would tell him that enough was enough and to get lost, but stupid me would always be talked around to give him another chance.

In the year we have been split I have had one relationship but due to my confidence issues I just didn't feel good enough for anyone and so split up with them shortly afterwards.

Last night after me and XP hadn't spoken for about 5 weeks he came online and spoke to me, was being really nice and for some reason, I really don't know why, I agreed to go and pick him up, In the 5 weeks we hadn't spoken I was so lonely because when we were together he made sure I didn't have any friends and now we are not together I still don't have any friends.

Anyway, he came over and we spent the night together and when DS woke up he was so happy that his daddy was around but as usual when he sees us he was picking fights, he kept picking at me and I cried, it was a mixture of me feeling low and his shouting, but he said he was going to leave, I know it was really stupid but I went and get the keys out of the door and told him he wasn't going to leave until this was sorted out, when i did this he grabbed me and threw me onto the stairs and then pushed me on the floor and wouldn't get off me, I bit him to try and get him off me which worked, he didn't actually hit me but i have a bruise coming on my arm and leg from the force he used. when he let me up because our DS was screaming I comforted DS and he just screamed at me, I unlocked the door and told him to go. I told him that I would be reporting him to the police.

Because of his probation if he did anything like this he would be arrested straight away and would probably go to prison.

He has been texting me since telling me that if I report him to the police he would hang himself, I am now in turmoil because I don't want him to get away with assaulting me again but I think he might carry out his threat and I don't want my son to know that his dad has killed himself, I have a friend whose dad killed himself and he has severe mental health problems.

I know that I have done wrong to have let him back into our life, and I know that most of this I have brought on myself, but I just need someone to help me make the decison whether to report him to the police or not...

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MissSunny · 05/09/2009 01:02

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dittany · 05/09/2009 01:00

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FeelSOsick · 05/09/2009 00:09

*DV

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FeelSOsick · 05/09/2009 00:04

I spoke to the V helpline for an hour and she has given me some instructions, I have to go and get my injuries documented at the local miner injuries tomorrow, and phone the domestic violence officer and speak to her. She has told me to make a list of pros and cons and then report him to the police on monday.

I don't really have a choice now because I told my sister and she is furious

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dittany · 04/09/2009 22:08

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mathanxiety · 04/09/2009 20:05

Call the police. They will also deal with the suicide thing. Go to Womens Aid and have your injuries documented. Suicide threats are a hit below the belt. Why on earth would the police not believe you?

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CarGirl · 04/09/2009 18:45

Report him and the meantime tell your xp that best way to commit suicide is carbon monoxide poisoning, painless & the most effective, in fact you coul loan him your car and a bit of hosepipe?

He is so trying to bully & control you because he doesn't want to go to prison.

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Ripeberry · 04/09/2009 18:44

Oh, right, so you think your son should have a dad who is violent to his mum and has mental health issues?
Ring the police report it and tell them about his threat to harm himself.
Once he is in prison, they usually make sure that they can't hurt themselves
If he is really unstable then they will send him to a phyco unit.
So in a roundabout way..you will being doing him a favour and most importantly keeping yourself and your son SAFE!
No wonder you have no confidence, he is manipulative and I think he is just saying that.
My mum used to threaten to kill herself all the time, but she never did, but I had the worry about it all through my childhood years and I'm angry about it.
Get him locked up...move away and don't make contact.

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NotPlayingAnyMore · 04/09/2009 18:34

He won't kill himself.

He might end up killing you and/or the kids though.

Please do go through with calling the police tonight!

Good luck x

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Katiekitty · 04/09/2009 18:32

FSS - he knows he's done something terrible, so he's deflecting this into his threat. The threat he's made is of equal magnitude to what he knows he did to you. What's he goig to do? Go through with it to prove a point?

You know him best, what do you think he's going to do?

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loupiots · 04/09/2009 18:14

Call Women's Aid. They understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and hopefully can help you come to the decision that is right for you.

The right thing to do would be to ring the police, but you may not feel that is really what you want to do.

Best thing you can do, again, is phone Women's Aid - they are trained to help you and you need to understand why you are still letting this man in your life. I'm not judging you, domestic violence and abuse is a complex and confusing mix. But you've got a son. He needs you to protect him and you can only do that by working on getting strong enough to stay away from this man.

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ErikaMaye · 04/09/2009 18:11

Reporting abuse is never making a big deal out of nothing, chuck. I hope they actually do something properly this time to help.

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FeelSOsick · 04/09/2009 18:09

Yeah, I went in and made a report on him, he hurt my son which I never thought he would do.

I didn't think he would hurt either of us because he knew he would go to prison if he did.

He didn't go to prison before because there wasn't much proof and the really bad things were over 6 months ago, I had put up with it for years, the only reason I reported him was because he went too far and I had to protect my son.

Thank you all for listening, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing, I thought that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

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dittany · 04/09/2009 18:02

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ErikaMaye · 04/09/2009 18:02

To be frank, if he was going to kill himself, he'd do it.

Call the police, he can't get away with this.

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dizietsma · 04/09/2009 18:01

He will not kill himself to spite you, I understand it feels that way to you right now, but these selfish bastards don't kill themselves, just other people.

What he does with his life is not your problem. His choices. His consequences. End of.

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dittany · 04/09/2009 18:01

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happyatlast · 04/09/2009 18:00

I think that you cant let him hold the "I'm gonna do something stupid" thing over you. I've had all that from my kids dads, and my dad actually did commit suicide when I was 10 yet my ex's still use that line knowing this.

Might I also say that I dont have any major mental problems as a result of my dad killing himself, everyones reacts differently but regardless of that its not your fault if he chooses to end his life.

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differentID · 04/09/2009 17:59

FeelSoSick, please call the police.

What is going to fuck your child up more? your xp killing himself(which he won't do- he's too much of a coward) or having to put up with possibly months/ years of seeing his mother shouted at/ assaulted on a regular basis.

Do you really feel that you and your ds deserve that sort of treatment? Because I don't!

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wilkos · 04/09/2009 17:58

he won't kill himself to spite you, trust me.

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GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 04/09/2009 17:58

I understand your fear but there is a massive difference between having SS involvement to support you and your child because of depression and having your child taken away because you are unfit

Nobody is going to call you a terrible mother because you are being harassed and terrorised by this bastard

I read once (Erin Pizzey's autobiography, I think) that abused women stay for an average of 60 physical attacks before they make the break

there are all sort of reasons for that, including the psychological hold bullies like your ex are so good at exerting

and the fact that logistically it is bloody difficult to separate fully from someone who won't leave you alone

and human nature - you share a child, you cared about him once and you want him to be better

none of this makes you a bad parent and nobody at SS would think so either

your priority HAS to be to get this man out of your life so that you and your son can carry on with YOUR lives - you need time and stability to recover (no wonder you've had depression FGS)

CALL the police xx

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FeelSOsick · 04/09/2009 17:57

I feel so bad for my son, I have let him down, instead of me being there to dry his tears he is here wiping mine away, I am going to wait for him to go to bed and ring the police.

I feel so angry at XP, he is so selfish, he doesn't care about what effect it would have on DS, he just wants to fucking hurt me, and he would kill himself just so I have it resting on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

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wilkos · 04/09/2009 17:56

' I was advised to keep him out of our life but i just ignored it because i felt safe that he wouldn't hurt us again because i knew if he did he would go straight to prison.'

what are you waiting for then?

why the hell do you want to keep him out of prison?

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MorrisZapp · 04/09/2009 17:56

Doesn't really matter why you let it happen. It just matters that it happened and now you and your son need protection, that is why you must report him.

Are you planning to report him?

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dizietsma · 04/09/2009 17:53

wilkos has the right of it, children who grow up witnessing violence against a parent have mental health issues. My brothers and I are testament to that.

I second the proposal that you wait until your DS is much older and able to a) understand the complexities of abusive relationships and b)able to defend himself against his abusive father before you let him have further access.

Your ex will not kill himself, this is a cynical manipulative technique to get out of trouble for his behaviour and I strongly urge you to call the cops and call his bluff. Tell 'em you're worried he'll kill himself, if it makes you feel better. Prisons have suicide watched for high risk prisoners. I seriously doubt he will though.

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