sister always whingeing on about money, does she have a point or am I being a bitch?

[minxofmancunia]

She's on about £24,000. She now lives in Manchester which she claims is horrendously more expensive than Sheffield where she used to live

She and 2 friends split £650 rent a month and all bills 3 ways between them. She has my old car which I sold to her for half it's value as it was her.

The prob is I'm beginning to find her constant "I'm skint, I can't afford it" moaning a bit irritating as well as her scroungy ways. I've worked out she has at least £800 pounds disposable cash a month, i consider that quite a lot!!!

re scroungy ways when she's out she orders tap water for herself but accepts drinks off others. She tries to scab lifts all the time rather than driving/bus because it saves her money. Everytime she's round her she goes straight to the fridge and helps herself. Usually i wouldn't mind but I'm beginning to see a bit of a theme. the most irritating is one belling me/dh/friends and expecting us to call HER back with our "free" minutes so she doesn't have to spend money on phone vouchers.

The most annoying recently was when she had a "bring your own bottle and a bowl" night recently when me and a few of her friends took salads etc. round and some wine, she got pissed ate the food (didn't make any herself) and then cling filmed it all up to use for the next weeks food! I'd made these really lovely puff pastry feta and cherry tomato tartlets (if i say so myself) and she immediately snaffled them to eat for work lunches!

Sorry sould have posted in AIBU, am I being uncharitable by being annoyed with this behaviour? Or is my irritation a teensy bit justified?

[skihorse]

I think you must be my missing third sister!

Mine is currently living with my parents (she's 32) because it's so unfaaaaaaair paying rent. She used to rent my dad's flat in London from him for 50 quid a month - but that too was sooooo unfair.

She's rarely held down a job longer than 6 months at a time because she gets "picked on" - then she fucks off to Thailand for 3 months to sit on a beach, goes back to live with my parents for 6 months and repeats the process.

She's got over 100k cash in the bank but she's not happy at all. I've not got a bean but I'm happy.

[monkeyfeathers]

If it makes you feel any better, my sister is actually quite a lot worse than this -- and I find it really embarrassing. She's 27 and has never had to pay her own way in life at all. My mothers always been very generous and supportive of us both, but largely that's been because she wanted us to be able to get ourselves into a position where we'd have good jobs and be able to support ourselves. In my case, my mother supported me through uni (and helped loads financially through many years of postgrad) after I had my son at 19 (and was a single mother). I now have a very good job, a lovely other half and I'm expecting another baby, and we pay for everything ourselves. In fact, it now makes me very happy to be able to do stuff like get the bill when we are out somewhere with my mother.

However, my sister is like some kind of leech and, what's worse, is that she feels all entitled about it. Briefly summarised, she's always lived with my mum (or with my stepdad) and has never paid for anything whatsoever. She's started no less than 6 different courses at college/uni and has failed every single one of them (largely because she just doesn't bother putting in the work). This has cost my mother a considerable amount in fees etc. Added to that, while pretending to be a student (and still living at home, completely for free) she ran up considerable debts, which my mother has paid off for her. In between bouts of being a student, my sister has tended to do absolutely nothing unless forced to take a job. She has also refused to sign on during those periods because, well, they'd insist she applied for jobs she thinks are beneath her. To make matters worse, she has chosen to quit a number of the jobs she has taken because she just doesn't like them or she's actually been sacked.

My mother, in despair, sent her out to live with my step-dad (who's in the diplomatic service). So she went out to live with him and did absolutely nothing for 9 months. Eventually she got a job out there, but she gave it up and came back home to live with my mum. She's now considering going out to live with my step-dad again now that he's in a new posting. My step-dad quite likes this, tbh, because he obviously gets quite lonely and likes to have someone to live with etc (even though she is absolutely a nightmare to live with: noisy, inconsiderate, messy, etc, etc).

Recently, one of her friends had a go at her about her lifestyle choices. My sister was really angry that her friend had dared to suggest that, at 27, she might want to live on her own/pay her own way in life etc. We'd all been to a family do the day before and were sitting in a cafe (where she's ordered the most expensive stuff on the menu, as always, and she had to have both a £4 fruit smoothy and a coffee simultaneously ) and she started ranting about it. She actually said (something to the effect of), 'why should I have to get a job I hate and worry every day just to pay the bills?'. The OH and i just looked at each other aghast, and my mum made some kind of comment along the lines of 'sound like your life then?'. Of course, my sister didn't take that as a hint. She also insists that she is currently paying her way because she uses her savings (from the job she recently had, and which she could accumulate because she had no outgoings) for her leisure whims etc. I must (of course) be imagining that housing, utilities, food etc all still need to be paid for (and aren't cheap).

The worst thing about it all is that ever since my parents split up (and we're talking about 18 years here) my mum has worked unbelievably hard (2 and 3 jobs) to make ends meet and so that my sister and I could have the kinds of opportunities she didn't when she was growing up. My mum is now quite well off, but only because she works so much. I have a horrible feeling that my sister will still feel that it's OK to sponge off my mum and step-dad when they retire in a few years too. It all makes me really angry tbh, but it's hard to get my mum to see that it would be in everyone's best interests to just throw my sister out to fend for herself.

So, anyway, I thought I'd share. I'm sure someone out there has a sister even worse than mine too.

[expatinscotland]

'When we are out for dinner we always spilt the bill even though she necks the wine and I don't drink, she never has change in her purse therefore others ineveitably put in her share of tip too, she expects me to pick her up (cos I don't drink) etc etc'

People like this can only take teh piss on people who allow them to.

Sorry, but I wouldn't let her away with that or I'd stop going out for dinner with her altogether and tell her why, too, if she asked.

[cheshirekitty]

You say her behaviour has changed, and she is always skint despite having a good salary.

I do not want to be a doom merchant, but are you sure she is not on drugs or something?

[HolyGuacamole]

Whether she is skint or not, it is not excuse. For example, it doesn't cost a lot to put on a big bowl of pasta if people are coming round etc. If you are all taking food around and she contributes nothing, then I'd defo say something. You don't have to spend a fortune for friends to come round, everyone can chip in and make it a cheap night.

Also, on nights out, I'd probably make a kitty rule, everyone puts in an equal and affordable amount at the start of the night and you drink till it's finished. It's so much easier for tight people to avoid taking their share if you're doing rounds. And if a mate is skint, then maybe suggest hanging round the happy hours to get the most of your money?

I find that usually someone who is genuinely skint actually feels really embarrassed at not being able to put on a fancy night or spend a lot on a night out. On the same note, nobody (I'm sure) minds on the odd occasion putting in a bit extra or lending money to a mate to make sure they can come along if the mate is a bit rooked for cash, it's what friends are for and we've all been skint at one point or another. I've humbly taken a loan of money or a free night out from mates in the past, but the key is that when you're a bit more flush, you repay the favour and do the same for them.

I can't be doing with people who are tight though, there's no excuse for it. I like the old Billy Connelly joke about the tight guy who drops 50p, as he bends down to pick it up, it hits him on the back of the head

[ilikeyoursleeves]

She sounds like a friend of mine who is on at least £40k, single and no kids, but who is always 'skint'- so annoying!!! When we are out for dinner we always spilt the bill even though she necks the wine and I don't drink, she never has change in her purse therefore others ineveitably put in her share of tip too, she expects me to pick her up (cos I don't drink) etc etc. Also she said the other month that it's a bit unfair when you get older that you have to fork out for presents for peoples children when you don't have any yourself (how mean!).

She has a huge history of being a skinflint, known her since primary school and nowts changed. She is an only child and def got ideas of entitlement. Lovely girl but just mega tight with money No huge bills either or debt!

[sweetfall]

tell her how unattractive it is to be a scrounger and a poor-mouth

You're right, excluding debts she's actually quite well off with minimal rent on a £1500 take-home

[expatinscotland]

so we take it round or buy some once we're there and it stays in her fridge for her to use once we've gone.

i'd stop doing that! i'd either bring just for dd or take it back home with you when you leave.

[expatinscotland]

so we take it round or buy some once we're there and it stays in her fridge for her to use once we've gone.

i'd stop doing that! i'd either bring just for dd or take it back home with you when you leave.

[minxofmancunia]

expat i agree it's usually the other way round with being miserly.

Deposit for her own gaff sorted, parents are giving it to her.

[minxofmancunia]

purpleone she pays less than £200 a month rent, when I was a staff nurse on £14,000 i paid £350 on my own, and managed.

Re other debts I'm aware of how these can add up, I moved out of home aged 17 and am now 34, had mortgage since age 27, first time alone then 4 years ago jointly with dh. All of these are split between 3 of them (including food) she's on the lowest council tax band and all the bills split can't be more than £300 each a month abosolute maximum.

No sky/landline/phone contract she's on pay as you go and uses our broadband when she's round here!

She had a loan ages ago, my parents paid it off for her so she could go travelling. No credit cards, I've had plenty of debt, still am paying off credit, my choice, my problem not a reason to complain about being skint all the time.

I DO like her, in some ways she's lovely, she has got personal issues at the moment which seem to be affecting her, I'm seeing a bitter spiteful side that never used to be there. she's 29 btw.

It's just the little things that begin to add up and grate always having to call her back, when we go round to hers there's never any milk/bread etc. to make a brew and dd a snack so we take it round or buy some once we're there and it stays in her fridge for her to use once we've gone.

she does go on at least 3 holidays a year and several weekends away so I suppose that's where it all goes!

[expatinscotland]

'Ime - people only tend to be tight with money when they haven't got any (which is understandable) '

I've always had the opposite experience, always those with big salaries and little debts who are tighter than tight.

She's either got debts or she's saving a deposit for her own place.

Or she's just a skinflint because it sounds like your mum does the same thing.

[PurpleOne]

so after her rent is paid, what else is there?

water rates, electricity, gas, tv licence, council tax for starters.
does she have sky tv/landline/mobile/internet/mobile too? it all adds up in the long run and all needs to be paid for.

she prob has a fair bit of surplus left over but have you accounted for all the other bills and food?

but saying that, i manage on £550 benefits and child tax a month, just me and the dcs..and 5k debt. no car but after the bills are paid there is just enough for a takeaway or a day out with the dds every month, and i still have to pay a hefty rent top up too!

you really need to sit down with her and go through her budget and expenses. there may be a lot of hidden debt, even with utilities.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

It does sound like she's got herself into debt which she's struggling to pay back. Her rent and bills are £5/600 a month - or somewhere around there I'm guessing? She should have tons left over, but she sounds as if she's really pinching the pennies.
If you are unhappy with your personal life it's really easy to convince yourself that you deserve to have nice things and treats all the time.

Or she could just be a skinflint, but the fact that she used to come bearing gifts and now doesn't, suggests that she might have got herself in a mess.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think she may well have major debts.

[hmc]

Ime - people only tend to be tight with money when they haven't got any (which is understandable)

[2rebecca]

She sounds mean. Just see less of her if you don't like her that much. Sounds like you live too close to them all.

[toomanystuffedbears]

Hi, sorry I had to do a taxi run for ds.

I meant an "alternative lifestyle": is she into girls instead of boys? It might expalin some of her animosity towards your circumstances. (I have no idea why that popped into my head .)

Can you reveal age? Did she never learn how to balance a check book? The other suggestions of looking at her spending/recurring charges is good and may be necessary to see where her funds are "leaking".

Or...does she really want this sort of help? She may be using it for attention (a la Mom) so sorting out the objective subject matter may not change the whingeing habit. Does she get empathy from your Mom concerning this?

[QuintessentialShadow]

To find out what is really going on, you need to sit down and look at her finances. You dont know that she is stingy unless you know the full extent of her outgoings.

[minxofmancunia]

she says she brings home about £1,500

[QuintessentialShadow]

If she is on 24 k, how much is that after tax?

[minxofmancunia]

sorry toomanystuffed bears i'm being a bit slow what do you mean?

[toomanystuffedbears]

That doesn't quite add up.
Is she following a different sort of lifestyle, iykwim?
Not that that would excuse milking you every chance she gets.

[minxofmancunia]

what she needs is a bloke to chill her the f**k out a bit!! Have introduced her to a few single male friends (all of whom have been interested she's v v attractive) but she's looked down her nose at them all!

[TrillianAstrahasaJOB]

Next time she whinges, offer to go through her finances with her and see where she can save money without making too much of a sacrifice. www.moneysavingexpert.com might be useful.

She's being rubbish and very rude at the moment, but it'll be better for your future relationship if you can try to get her to see that you are helping her by cutting off the subsidies. Buy a man a fish vs teach him to fish, you know.