Anyones MIL go a bit strange since they married

[sleepyeyes]

DH mother is a retired woman who seems very proper and well mannered.
DH and I married a few months back and ever since then she has changed a little.

Today during our visit she shocked me a few times.

1. When she told me I wouldn't be a career woman and a mother, she just wouldn't allow it. WTF I will do as I please!

1. We were talking about my family being practicing catholics and the fact that I am not. She looked straight at FIL and said very loudly 'well of course not she was having sex before they got married.'

I was a bit and so was FIL. Neither my DH nor I have ever spoke about our sex life to her!

I know it must sound petty but we are moving next month to a house 3 door down from them I'm a bit worried what she might come out with next or what she will tell the neighbors.

DH has just told me that she and his ex-wife used to talk about there sex life together.

I wouldn't mind if she had always been like this but the change is bizarre.

Has anyone else MIL changed after they got married?

[sleepyeyes]

forgot I had name changed.

[limp]

WHY DID I AGLOL I have seen everyone loves raymond.
BIL has semi-moved back in and is just like Robert. and FIL is similar to Frank.
Why didn't I ever make that connection before, don't know whether to laugh or cry!

I'm starting to add up all the dots and remembering a few other crazy things like a few months back when during a long car journey with DH and I she started to tell us about the night DH was conceived. And how pissed off the were with DH because he bought me an expensive engagement ring.
At the time I though well they were only looking out for DH after all we had only been together for 12 weeks but now I can see it as controlling, he didn't ask for there approval first.

WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS!

[minko]

You need to watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond', where the mother in law lives over the road. Very funny. Might help you see the funny side. You might need to...

[sleepyeyes]

OK DH and I have had a very long talk about this. We HAVE to move it would be so financially stupid not to.
DH is going to visit before we move and casual mention about being of different generations times have changed, respecting boundaries and that I'm a private person.
The next time she TELLS me how I will be raising our children or talking about sex it will stand up for myself and be clear it just isn't on for her to talk/treat me like this.

BBW the laugh inside method sounds like a good idea too if pulling her up doesn't work I will try it. Intend to breast feed lol I predict our future baby will be easily distracted and a very slow feeder and need to be feed away from everyone.

If she gets worse I will not hesitate to pull back and make it difficult for her to visit, I wont let someone be part of my life and make me miserable. Otherwise I will be starting AIBU threads every other week.

[BBW]

I also have a bizarre MIL. I think it comes from my DH being an only child.

She sounds very similar to yours!

I have found over the years the best way to deal with her is look at the funny side.

My friends and family all know horrendous she is, and I dine out on the stories about the next weird/rude/totally outragous behaviour she does. When she is in the middle of somehting totally OTT, I just have a wee laugh inside, thinking how good it will be to tell my friends, as this tops the last story!!.

The other technique I found to work is to call her bluff. If she makes a rude comment, I pretend I didn't hear her, and ask her again what she said. You might find that when she has to repeat herself, she's not too brave. If she is brave enought to repeat her rudeness, ask her what she means in a really sweet way. Then guffaw with laughter at her, by implying shes so ludicrous she must be taking the piss, and compliment her on how funny she is.

Also a bit of light at the end of the tunnel - don't underestimate the power shift once you have a baby!. She will want to be involved with the wee one - and you hold the power as to whether that happens or not. My MIL has been positivley civil for the past 6 months since my daughter was born, as she's too scared I'll reduce the time I have avaliable to take her to see her.

And - sorry another thing, make sure you try to breastfeed - it will really really annoy MIL, as you can scoop the baby back at any time, and slink off to 'feed' the baby in peace. Annoys MIL all the time - I love it !!!

[lizziemun]

lose your door key, so you have to change the locks and don't give her a new key.

[QwertyQueen]

oh dear - slippery slope!!
My advice would be to not "just accept" any of her outlandish behaviour in the interest of keeping the peace. I speak from experience here - it will get worse! Best put her in her place straight away - firmly but not nastily.

[Fleurlechaunte]

I don't want to scare you OP but your stories really reminded me of this book The Little House the scariest of all MIL stories .

[mamas12]

Would she like to move into it? Is that why all the interest. If so she can take over doing it up and you won't be bothered with it then.

[sleepyeyes]

LOL bariehouse she used to work in care homes.
I did wonder if the change in personality was her going senile but she is only in her 60's and DH claims she has always been like this and she is being her normal self.

The odd thing is DH isn't even her favorite son!

Lessons it is very much all hands on deck if it wasn't a terrace we would demolish it, save us all the trouble.

[sleepyeyes]

I'm not to worried about the fact he lived there with his ex when we DIY the house it will look COMPLETELY different.

Well I have another idea maybe I need to help them find a new house! They wanted to move but with the downturn they are worried about loosing money as they want to down size and live on the savings.
Currently it might be cheaper to buy land and self build a kit house.
What can you get for about £150K in europe?

Maybe say we never ever want kids (dont think they will believe that but worth a try) so they have no reason to stay put?

[barbiehouse]

she sounds a bit senile to me

[mamas12]

Just thought of a way out of moving in there. It has too many connections to his ex! What about it, sounds perfectly acceptable to me. Anyone else.

[lessonlearned]

ooooh gawd!!! It's all hands to the pump with the house then?
If it's going to be a joint venture (I expect it makes economic sense) then you need a word with DH and agree to decide boundaries with him before letting it all happen with MIL at the helm!!!
He is used to indulging his DPs and wont even notice your discomfort unless you spell it out. It's best to do it now before it spirals out of control. TBH I think she means well but might go over the top trying too hard.

[sleepyeyes]

Mama DH deals with them but his way is just to nod yes or ignore them then do what we want.
He has been very clear he wont allow them to take over belittle me when we have children as that is my area of expertise.
I was a nanny gave it up to have our own, possibly that is why she felt her comment about working mothers was OK she assumes I will stay home. I plan to study and become a teacher around about the time a child would start nursery/school. It was the 'I wont let you' That shocked me. DH didn't hear that and was stunned when I told him.

Would it be a bad idea to get DH to have a word with her?
I think she might take it better this way but then it makes me look weak.

[sleepyeyes]

Ahhh rebecca that is such a looong story.
The first 5 years (they weren't married at that point)she only stayed at the weekends and it still needed DIY but not as bad, then she moved in and they ripped out bathroom and kitchen and found major plumbing issues so they paused for awhile and at this point she had an affire all work on house stopped till they sorted things out.
Then they didn't have the money to do it. Then she cheated again and finally left. Then they argued about the house for years!
She still owns half, very complicate but she should be off the morgage in the next 6 months.

Did I mention it has no central heating! But I've been told I can go to the in-laws for a heat.

[mamas12]

Oooh boundaries have already been crossed here haven't they. Literally over the front door step. She will be in there all the time 'helping' but her idea of rubbish is quite frankly none of her business. does your dh 'deal' with them now or does he leave you to talk or arrange anything with them because if he is already leaving communications between you as a couple and them to you then that doesn't bode well for the future. You need to let him 'deal' with them from NOW. If you know they are going to ring let him answer the phone, he needs to make decisions about presents and cards to buy. He needs to go to see them on his own sometimes etc. etc. Do not take on the role of their carer. I ended up nursing my mil through a mental breakdown in the first year of my marriage until I came to my senses and realised I just wasn't qualified. They are his parents and you are not their child.

[2rebecca]

If your husband lived there for 15 years with his first wife how come it's in such a state? It doesn't sound as though he's great at looking after houses so I'd make sure he worked on it whilst you live elsewhere so he has a reason to get the work done otherwise you'll live in a mess for the next 15 years. I'd presumed this was somewhere he'd recently bought whilst between wives and had moved near mum as feeling sorry for himself.

[2rebecca]

Definitely get the key back. It sounds as though she entered the house completely unnecessarily. I would never throw anything in anyone else's bin. I would also tell her that she threw some things you wanted in the bin. Your husband sounds as though he treats her more like a child than an adult. If my dad chucked anything of mine in the bin he'd be told. I love him and I wouldn't want to upset him, but I'd make it clear I didn't want him tidying up and chucking things out in my house again and that he'd been a bit overzealous. I probably wouldn't tell him he'd ruined the keepsake, but would mention having to retrieve the book.

[sleepyeyes]

I certainly wont be looking after them! DH agrees if eldery parents need caring for we are happy to help find them a home. They aren't frail they want to go live in the highlands!
I've got a feeling her health used to be quite bad a few years ago but is now manged better.
Funny just realised, when he bought the house he had just met his first wife. They were moving until they realised we were moving into the house.

Soooo How do I tell my DH I cant bare the idea of moving to the village?!
Maybe we just need to move in (we live about an hour away so cant go back and forth) and do it up very very quick!

[sleepyeyes]

The house is mostly empty so no need for a key. The other week she had been in a put what she though was rubbish in the bin. DH decided to go outside and retrieve it, emptied it all over the floor and a brand new book of mine was in there plus some wedding bits that we had saved as keepsakes. I was really upset about it as she ruined the only wedding favor we had saved. DH insisted it was an accident that she probably grabbed a handful of stuff and they were in amongst it and that she had done it before to him.

She has already told me I will be looking after the garden, DH has never cared for it before so wont know what to do. Neither do I! I set her straight on that DH will be doing it because I have hayfever.

Honestly she is a good person, I just didn't realise maybe she was umm a little controlling.

[2rebecca]

Mmm this is sounding worse. Your husband bought a house near his parents because they're getting old and frail. Do you want to be nursemaid to this pair? I'd really really try and find the money to stay renting and use all your spare time to get the house done up and then sold. If husband really wants to be near them I'd stay near enough so he can drive over and do stuff but far enough away that you won't be called on all the time and they can't pop in.Men are sometimes too keen to dump their ailing relatives on their women, if you move 3 doors away you'll never get away.
It's a trap!
Slightly tongue in cheek, but if this were me I'd be a bit worried, I like my freedom and have seen too many DILs ground down by caring for demanding, slightly frail but could do more for themselves folk that their husbands unthinkingly dump on them whilst they are "busy" with work.

[sleepyeyes]

Rebbeca it was done in a very jolly tone. I would have said something at the time I was so

The house aparently DH was looking to buy they knew this house had been empty and up for sale for a year so got it very cheap plus MIL was very keen and promised to look after the garden because DH wanted a flat orginally.
Plus DH was concered about her health and felt his parents would need someone close by. She does have some health problems but nothing serious.

Mmm now I'm a bit worried about her influence on DH.

[PottyCock]

she sounds like a nightmare - my mil turned into a right witch after i had dd. it's a competition in her head, and she's trying to exercise dominance over you.

don't whatever you do move to her village!

[2rebecca]

Why does she need a housekey? Understandable if you have kids she looks after whilst you're not there, but as you don't odd. I suppose someone having a sparekey to water plants if on holiday/ let you in if you lock yourself out may behandy, but I wouldn't want anyone having a key just so they can let themselves into my house. I'd tell her you intend to move when the house is sold early on. She's sounding very pushy.