Who comes first - your dh/dp or your children?

[emkana]

Hi everyone,
sorry about the rather clumsy thread title.
Dh and I were talking tonight and I was telling him about my parents when I was young. For example they never ever picked me up from anywhere when I was a teenager (parties or similar) - they wanted me to be safe on my way home, so had to be with a friend, but they enjoyed their evenings a deux with one or two bottles of wine too much to pick me up. Doesn't bother me now, but hated that when I was young! That's just one small example for their general attitude - while they were good loving parents it was always clear to my brother and me that the most important for my mum/dad was the other one. Dh and I agreed that it's different for us - we love each other, yes, but our dd's are everything and definitely come first. Are my parents very unusual in their attitude, or not?

[paolosgirl]

I think it's important to have time for yourselves - not always that easy when you don't have family close by to help out - but the kids come first, always. Doesn't mean we neglect each other, but dd and ds are only little, and need more looking after than either of us do.

Dh's parents were a bit like emkana's - they never went to anything he was doing eg school rugby matches, and Saturday mornings were the time every week when their bedroom door was locked for you know what and dh and sil were to fend for themselves. Eeuuwwww...

[SkiBunnyFlummy]

Mind you having said that DP always puts me first. But totally understands that I always put DD first. He says its mother love. He loves DD but he reckons he loves me more !!!!n It'll pass - we have only been together a few years.

Back to Emkana. My mum ferried us about a bit. I would only do it within limits eg 1 or 2 eves a week. I love my DD but am not her slave!!

[SkiBunnyFlummy]

Child. Ours is young only 1. Children are more needy than adults. DP loves me very much but survived without me for 30 years so clearly ok.

Not sure how long DD would survive, maybe 30 days as she does know where the biscuits are to be found and how to get into the packets.

[hercules]

kids come first for both of us. i couldnt respect dh if he felt anyother way.

[pixiefish]

dd- definetly

[micmic]

for me you have to balance both your kids and dh because sometimes if you dont give time to your dh anymore you will end up arguing most of time and that can end up in divorce and will affect your kids. You have to show to your ds/dd and dh that they are both important in your life because by doing that you keep the family in tact.

[felixthecat]

ds every time and my dh knows it. can't switch off from being a mum, have forgotten how to be a wife these past months...

[cori]

I think I put DS first, but DH puts me first. What that says about our relationship, I dont know.

[Tortington]

am sure when my kids have kids of their own they too will expect to be able to pile them off on me and dh whilst they go out to the pub - well stufffffffffff that! i can perfectly understand those retired parents who just want to bog off and have a bit of a life - it is their turn - and babysitting should not be an expectation.

put a gun to my head i would say kill dh save my kids. but thatsnot the question is it really?

relationships need somuch work whether they be with your children or your partner for life. i am luvcky and honoured to say that my husband is the dogs bollocks and i can't wait until we retire so we can have nooners without wondering if the kids will walk in.

when kids turn into adults it doesnt mean they are not your kids - however as an adult they should recognise that they are not now the centre of the universe.... 'cos that will be me and dh.

[logic]

Me and dh are a unit. The kids come first to us. If there was no "us" then the kids would suffer IMO.

[Slink]

our dd comes first for both me and dh we just make more of our time alone together

[blossom2]

DD comes first for both of us, although we are both very conscious of making an effort with each other and the relationship (sometimes me more than him, but hey ho).

we haven't reached our first year yet as a married couple...

[NomDePlume]

My children 'come first', although it's a v close run race . My DD comes first because I know that my DH is relatively self-sufficient, whereas my 2 year old still needs me constantly for whatever reason. I love my DH, of course I do, but my DD would always come first. I know that DH would say the same, if it was a choice between me or the kids for a serious reason, then it would be the kids everytime. I respect him for that.

[bonym]

I think it's really important to find a balance. If dd needs me or dh then of course she comes first, but there are times when dh and I are spending time together and if dd is just attention seeking then she has to wait. Dh is not dd's father (although you wouldn't know it to see them together - they have a fab relationship) and I know that these circumstances can often be difficult. I think that the reason our family works so well (the three of us are a very tight unit and all of usgenuinely really happy) is that we do balance things well. A good friend of mine is in the same situation as me (her dh is not the father of her child and they got married about the same time and dh & I) and they have had a fair few problems linked to the fact that she always puts her ds first to the extent of breaking off a conversation with her dh because her ds wants her for something (often trivial).
Having said all that, a child's safety is paramount and dh and I would always give this no.1 priority. My father (bless him) always used to pick me up after parties - even at 2am in the morning when I was 17! I'm sure dh will do the same for dd when she gets to that stage!

[marialuisa]

But what if the needs of your children are in conflict? I have much younger siblings, there was no way I could have expected my mum to pick my 15 year old self up from a party at 3 in the morning!

I was a fairly independent teen and TBH I expect DD to be the same. Yes, I will take my turn to pick her and assorted friends up from the pub but I won't be doing it every w/e and I don't really see that that's harmful. For me that's part of growing up and if it has he added benefit of giving me and DH space from a teenage DD so much the better.

I think there's a big difference between making space for your relationship with your partner and actually jeopardising your child's well-being.

[serenity]

Just asked DH and he started laughing and then pleaded the fifth (which I don't think counts here)

I think I try to balance the two. Atm the kids are little and far more dependant than DH, so their needs tend to be considered first by both of us. I don't think either of us neglect each other because of this. FFS we chose to have them!

[colditzmum]

Children definatly. And id dp doesn't like it he knows where the door is. I would not expect to be put before my son, dp shouldn't expect to either.

[nikkim]

Just read that back and I have come across as a bit holier than thou and I don't intend to. I am sure things might be different if I had been with dp before dd came along.

[nikkim]

I have always put dd first and always will. A bit more complicated in my case as dd isn't dps. My Mum always put my stepdad before me and I hated growing up knowing i was the person in the house who was valued the least. I ended a relationship with a man I loved greatly before dp as he was just crap with my dd, high on my wishlist for a partner was someone who could become a father figure for my daughter.



I have been honest with dp and said that dd will always come first as I am the only person in life she can rely on 100% and the only one who will put her first. It has caused some problems in our relationship and dp has to put up with a lot but he understands why I am like I am and I think in a way he admires me for my honesty and my dertermination and strength as a mother.

[Gwenick]

You don't have to stop caring for them, I never said that - and I don't think anyone else said that either.

What I'm saying is that once they leave home and start their own family suddenly we as parent won't be doing all the stuff we're now doing for them, we won't be having to worry about them 24/7, cleaning their clothes, cooking their meals, picking them up etc etc - we'll suddenly be FORCED to spend more time with our DP's.........and if you've never given yourselfs time in the 18yrs or so since your kids were born to put each other first it's going to end up like being strangers!

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[HunkerMunker]

Asked DH this and he said that he'd put DS before himself and he'd put me before himself. I agreed (said I too would put me before him) and he was happy with that - said that as long as we're all singing from the same hymnbook, that's fine

Seriously though, I think that you can have a balance - at the moment, DS (11 months) is too small to know about other people's feelings, so trying to explain that DH and I need time for ourselves wouldn't work. OTOH, DH is plenty big enough to understand that if DS needs me, he can wait his turn But I don't think that it'll ever be an either/or situation.

[unicorn]

Ah yes but.. wherein do your responsibilities lie?

dh's parents are now so totally out of the loop that when Dh has needed them (as an adult) they have been Completely disinterested- 'clocked off' I call it.

I personally don't think I can ever 'clock off' from being a parent- whether my kids are 4 or 40... they may always need me... You don't bring kids in the world and then just stop caring for them do you?

[Gwenick]

Problem is that if you NEVER put your DH first (and him put you first) then one day when the kids are grown up and 'fending' for themselves and not WANITNG mum and dad to 'help' them all the time parents can suddently discover they no longer 'know' the person they're married to as they've never spent enough time together putting each other first.

As much as we all love our kids, one day they're not going to be there at home all the time, and we're going to have to spend ALL our time with our DH's again........and a lot can change in 15-20yrs (more if you've got several kids)