Is Marriage Counselling any good? And how do I go about getting it?

[cupcakes]

I really don't want to split up with my dh but am so unhappy about the constant disagreements and rows we are having. Feel that maybe we should have counselling as we never resolve anything for more than a couple of days. Dh however is very reluctant so I haven't really pursued it. I don't know how I could persuade him to go. He insists that everything is fine and that we're both just a bit tired and stressed at the moment. I disagree and think he is burying his head in the sand. I hope that counselling could help us mend things before they do get bad.
Should I contact Relate directly or go through my gp? Are there any other organisations or ways of finding counsellors?
And does it help?

[kemp124]

thanks fanta nice to know your not on ya own got another session tonite see what happens. I just get so fed up hearing my own voice even if he ranted and raved i wud be getting a reaction, it really is like pulling teeth. I feel iam putting in 100% and hes only giving 50%. I do know that you carnt do it unless you both give it your all. Mind you i might have strangled him by then,

[fanta]

I understand exactly where you are at, having been there myself. I stopped after 6 sessions because I felt I was banging my head against the walls, he was lying through his teeth but saying we had different perceptions!
But good luck and give it a good try, I think it was after the 4th session that I realised there was no hope. But everyone is different and he may open up a bit later..

[kemp124]

went for second session was a bit better than first but felt more angry this time, its like pulling teeth with him. Iam giving ti my all being totally honest and up front all he does is avoid questions or carnt ans them coz has nothing to do with his fav subject, work.Its starting to really get to the piont where i want to tell him to shuve it where the sun dont shine

[kemp124]

by he i ment me partner, not the lady at relate(blush)

[kemp124]

doing relate at the moment, no quick fix and you both have to want it but is still hard. It does help to talk to a complete stranger. I was sat last week thinking what a complete tit he was, funny how you can look at them from a diff angle.

[fanta]

Counselling can't fix stuff in my own experience, if love is not there anymore. But it can help to communicate better. I went for counselling with my ex when I realised he was cheating on me and I wanted out. It didnt solve the past but certainly confirmed my doubts and prepared me to face our separation better. It also allowed me to make sense better of the crisis we were faced with. It helps to talk, always. Go for it and good luck.

[Toothache]

Batters - It went surprisingly well. DH is really quite a shy person so you can imagine my shock when I couldn't shut him up!!!! I learned a lot of thigs about how DH's mind works and how sad he is at the moment. I really think this is going to help us. DH normally keeps everything bottled up until he blows like a volcano. He found it really easy to talk in that environment, he felt safe (his words). Fingers crossed it carries on like this.

[serenequeen]

good luck, toothache.

[Toothache]

Thanks Pamina and gggggggglliiimmmpppopooopo ;)

lol @ swigging cooking Brandy! I do have a bottle left over from my Christmas cake.

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[Toothache]

Ho hum.... everyone is too distracted with all this bottle v breast mallarky.

I'll post tomorrow about how we get on.

[Toothache]

Bump.

Anyone have any advice??.... I am really frightened and worried about this evening.

[Toothache]

DH & I have our first counselling session tonight and I am TERRIFIED!! What of though? Finding out our marriage really is over?? Or finding out I'm the one to blame and I'm treating DH badly?? Or hearing things from DH that I'd rather not hear??

All of the above. Should I have made a list of things to talk about?

[adamkylesmum]

i am new to mumsnet but would like to ask if anyone knows how i can persuade my hubby to come for counselling. i have gone as far as i can with it on my own & my counsellor says we need to both go to somewhere like relate but my hubby point blank refuses. he is the sort to bottle things up & not talk to anyone & he had a bad experience with counselling in the past. by the way he wont read books either - just car magasines! i think he thinks it will all go away if he ignores it!

[cupcakes]

Thank you gardengirl. Good luck with the counselling.
I am thinking of going on my own and seeing what it is like. Might read some of the book first.
Thanks again.

[gardengirl]

Dear cupcakes
have just seen your thread as have not been on Mumsnet for a while. DH and me spilt up a few weeks ago - despite this we are going back to Relate.
There is so much still unresolved between us, and so much hurt and misery that we are going to go back to see if it can help us decide whether to separate finally or try to make another go of things.
Like orangina I have had a fair bit of counselling before, alone and with dh, and if you find a counsellor you feel happy with it can be a great help. Just having someone who is not involved to talk with can really help.
If your dh won't go, you can probably go alone to Relate start with. I went for an initial meeting alone, then persuaded dh to come and we kept going until redundancy knocked him for six in a different way. Maybe if that hadn't happened and we had stuck at it with Relate, he would not have left.
Anyway I really think if you as unhappy as you sound, it's worth a try.
You will find details of your local Relate in the phone book or on the Net.
Hope this helps

[cupcakes]

Thank you, Helsbels.
Good luck Toothache and JasminesMummy.
I know what you mean about the patience - it takes so little to tick me off. Sometimes I really feel it's my fault (afterwards, never at the time!) as he's never really cruel or horrible. Just so thoughtless and snappy - and we really seem to wind each other up at the moment. We always end up bickering about how one of us spoke to the other rather than whatever instigated the row. ie, 'well, you interupted me', 'you're not listening' or 'it's not my fault'.
To be honest it's just so tedious and draining.

[Helsbels]

cupcakes - I do e-counselling if you ever need to talk just send me an e-mail via the site - sometimes just talking to someone you don't know can help and if I can help in any way I'd be glad to try

[Toothache]

Cupcakes - DH and I have an appointment with RELATE's Scottish Equivalent on 1st March. I just told DH that I couldn't go on like that anymore. The lack of respect, the arguing, the resentment. It's all been building up. Like your DH, mine thinks that it's just a temporary thing and that as long as we apologies after an argument then that's it resolved. I can't put up with it anymore and booked the appoitment myself. I phoned them direct.

I told DH about the appointment and why I thought we needed it. There was lots of tears (from me) and he finally saw that perhaps this was a bit more serious. He is as keen as I am to have someone mediate and ....whatever else it is they do!

So I can't answer you at the moment, but hopefully after the 1st of March I'll know more!!

[JasminesMummy]

This is exactly what I decided to do back in December. My GP referred me to the practice counsellor and when i enquired this week apparently I should get an appt in a couple of weeks. (takes a long time!!)
I'll let you know how it goes -with me it's lack of patience with dh.
x

[cupcakes]

Thank you for your posts. As we've managed not to have a row for two days it has kind of slipped to the back of my mind but am still considering it. Am also pondering over the thought that my anger/ temper needs addressing. Uncomfortable but there you go!
Am wondering whether to get some counselling on my own. If dh is reluctant it may not resolve much to make him go initially but maybe I could do something about my contributions to the rows.

[paolosgirl]

Could you suggest that you go for a few sessions, to see how things go? If you/he/both of you decide that it's not for you, then at least you've given it a shot.
Counsellors are trained to deal with all sorts of issues, and may help you to see things from another perspective, or give you ideas on how to resolve some of the issues that are causing the problems.
Sometimes all it needs is someone who is not emotionally involved with either of you to help. Good luck

[orangina]

cupcakes, I don't know anything about your circumstances obviously, but I just wanted to say that whatever problems you and your dh might be having in your relationship, it is NEVER just 1 persons fault! You might have anger management issues (sorry for the psychobabble talk) that need addresing, but then there will be other things that might be coming from your dh that will also need addressing. I have been through a fair bit of counselling in the past, both by myself and with dh, and though it's been a bit rough sometimes and it IS a committment (sp?), it has been invaluable. My advice would be (for what it's worth) don't let things get to a crisis point before you get some help, as that will invariably result in the whole process starting off in a confrontational manner, rather than something relatively calm, where you are able to discuss what you feel your problems are and what you might like to achieve by addressing them in the "safe" forum of relate/marraige guidance/couselling/whatever....
Best of luck, hope you sort out everything...