How would you feel if your DH/DP spent £2k on a credit card

[Greatfun]

DH and I are in quite a bit of debt but are gradually paying it off. For the last year I have been recording our balances every month so I can see the money owed is getting less and less. Last night I noticed 2 receipts in our room for items paid for by a credit card of DHs. Neither item was very exciting (just a shirt and some vouchers for a friends wedding) but I was really with DH as it was paid for by a card I didnt know about. I asked him about it and he as good as said it was none of my business. I feel it is given we have joint finances like a mortgage, etc. I asked how much he owed and he kept saying he had no idea so I have to be honest I did a little snooping. I found the said card in his wallet (the only credit card in there) and found out the balance from the automated phone line. It was almost £2k spent since Feb this year. I confronted him again to which he pretty much told me it was his business. I just feel so cheated by him. Every month I have been checking our credit card balances and we, yes that's both of us have been commenting on how well we are doing and all along he has been spending money behind my back. He has plenty of disposable income (way more than me) but also has expensive tastes and goes out alot. He is due to get a bonus in Sep and says he will pay it off with that but I dont think thats the point. I am more upset about the lying rather than the money itself (although I am not pleased about that).

What would you do?

I have to admit I also cut up the card and sprinkled it on his head whilst he lay in bed. May seem a bit far fetched but I ant trust him with this card in his wallet.

[Greatfun]

Miaou - exactly!

inesb - I take your point but we had agreed no more spending and were looking to pay our credit cards off. The bonus was another way to do this. I asked him if he had spent money on his credit card and he consistently denied it. He no doubt would have carried on if I had not found the reciepts in opur room.

[inesb]

I realise I'll probably be the lone voice of dissent, but I don't see how he has been lying. Did you have an explicit agreement that you wouldn't spend on anything else and just reduce the balance on your credit cards or were you assuming that was what he wanted to do as well?

It comes down to how you view finances as a couple. If it was me, I would think that if I had a credit card and was happy to pay it off from my bonus, then what I do with my spare cash is up to me, if we have separate finances. I would somewhat irked if my OH started telling what I should and shouldn't be spending my salary on, once our joint responsibilities had been settled,((in this case continuing settle my CC bill as agreed) Just another viewpoint - YMMV.

[elkiedee]

If the plan to reduce your debts and the discussions were a joint thing, then this is undermining that agreement. My dp used to do a lot of overspending, he's better now but I'd be furious if he got another credit card and ran up that kind of bill behind my back.

[LadyMuck]

Seabright - that only works if your oh dies with absolutely nothing in their estate. In practice if there are any assets (joint savings accounts, house etc) then the credit card gets paid off. You could structure your assets to get this outcome, but I don't think that it is wise to assume that it will work out this way - it often won't.

[Miaou]

This is not about his money/my money really though, is it? That's the way some couples run their finances, fair enough. But this is about trust (lack of) and lying (consistently, several times). Greatfun's dh has allowed her to have the impression that a) their spending was under control, b)she knew about all the financial commitments they had, and c) she knew about all the spending that was taking place.

I wonder what he would say if GreatFun had run up a huge debt on a secret card, then said, "oh don't worry, I'll pay it back when I go back to work"?

[Seabright]

Just a quick point on something said earlier (puts lawyer hat on) if you have a credit card debt (or any other debt) in your sole name and you die your OH does not become responsible for it. If there is enough money in your estate (before the beneficiaries get paid) the debt gets paid from your estate, if there's no money to pay the bills, the creditors don't get paid.

[OrmIrian]

I would be furious. If you are working hard to clear debts and he's busy running them up elsewhere. Belt-tightening shouldn't be just your problem.

[solo]

Oh and he just kept telling me not to worry about it, he'd sort it. Yeah right.

[solo]

This happened to me with my exh. He ended up with 8 credit cards and a car loan that added up to almost £40k. All except the car was behind my back. This was after I'd paid off previous loans/cards for him, locked his cards away(he just ordered new ones) and read him the riot act. He/we had nothing to show for it except a rather boring Hyundai Lantra. It split us up eventually, as I just couldn't live with the worry of all the debt.
I hope you get it sorted.

[olympicsnotfederer]

I guess its just what you are used to greatfun...

When DH and I married, everything we had was put into joint names and has stayed that way.

Credit cards are in joint names but we use them separately

For convenience and to keep a track of essential versus "extras" spending, one account pays all the bills and mortgage (my wage goes into this) and another (his wage) for holidays, pensions, investments etc. But both are in joint names.

Both of us would know if the other was overspending cos the statements are joint so we just kinda keep an eye on it together.

If we got into debt, we would sit down and look at ALL spending.

[Cappuccino]

if he can run up £2 grand then you should be able to too

it is not his money

why do some blokes think they can have a wife, kids, and their wife looking after the kids, but the money is theirs?

it's a partnership.

agree with Custy

[staryeyed]

I agree with wannabe. Even if you did have completely separate finances his spending would affect you, and it is taking the piss a bit to be slyly spending while you are living on a budget.

[Greatfun]

wannabe- we sort of have joint debt. we have our own cards which have debts on. most of which was spent doing up our house or doing things together. but in terms of name, etc i have my credit card and he has. Its just that we have been trying to pay it off and I have been using this spread sheet to keep an eye on it all.

[Greatfun]

That seems the only solution but we have been together for 10 years and always had our separate stash. I am just not sure how that woudl work. I dont want to control every penny he spends I just want him to take responsibility.

[wannaBe]

but eyeballs, the op and her dh have joint debt. They are working hard to repay said joint debt, except that while they are doing that, he is running up separate debt on the side.

Spending your money is one thing, it's your money to spend (if that's how you live your lives), but running up debt on the side is not on IMO.

If op's dh died she would be liable for that debt. Do you think that's fair? because I don't.

[olympicsnotfederer]

It depends greatfun.

Would he be willing to pool EVERYTHING, and not for him to keep back finances for his own use? All spending decisions would be made with the family in mind.

He may not be happy with this and feel you are trying to control him.

[expatinscotland]

throwing my hat into the ring to agree with wannabe.

[Greatfun]

meant to say reigning it in!

[Greatfun]

"Surely you must have wondered how he was financing his expensive tastes and going out alot? "

Yes I have and have been reigning it all at the weekends. For exmaple, staying in more instead of taking the DCS out for lunch (too stressful anyway). However, he does have alot of dispoable income. He just spends alot as well. Always ordering stuff from amazon, buying clothes.

Any tips on how to deal with this?

[olympicsnotfederer]

I agree with wannabe.

I have never understood how when people are married, they have seperate finances.

One of my friends does this with her DH. He earns much more than her, and she often struggles to "save up" for things whereas she could have it if they shared their income. And they might be household things ffs, why is that her responsibility?? They live in the same house.

I think they have this elaborate way of sharing money to pay for holidays etc but when they get there, their spending money is their own ? It doesn't make sense to me.

[Greatfun]

"your dh is being a selfish prick." agree custardo

we have separate bank accounts and credit cards in our own name but about a year ago decided we really needed to get on top of our debts. Although the credit card is in his name it does arguably affect me as when we are due to remortgage our house next year all of this will be taken into account. As I said the money is not the main issue its the deceit. He has obviously also been hiding the statements so I don't know what he has spent it on. It may seem odd but I am not thinking along the lines of him cheating on me. I just dont think its that. He likes to go out alot and spend money on clothes, meals that sort of thing. I imagine its just accumulated over time.

[EyeballsintheSky]

I'm on the poor bit of mat leave too and I owe a bit on my credit card because of it. We have a joint pool of money, well puddle, and our own accounts. My credit card is my business, no payments to it come out of joint funds and I'll pay it off on my own so I don't consider it DH's business in a non nasty way. Depends on your set up.

[wannaBe]

of course it's your business. You are married, therefore what's your's is his and what's his is yours, including his secret credit card unfortunately.

I really don't get this my money/your money that some people have, it just leads to issues like this one.

Unfortunately I imagine he'll be able to get a new credit card, but I'm interested in how he's managed to spend 2 grand on it - that's a hell of a lot of money in 6 months.

[claricebeansmum]

Surely you must have wondered how he was financing his expensive tastes and going out alot?