ok I have 8 hours do I talk or not?

[whitetulips]

have posted before but a quick catch up...
My hubby works abroad, comes back for a week every 2 months or so. I want to split up, but need his cash, and can put up with him for a week at a time.
On his last visit, I had just found out I had chlamydia, and have never been with anyone but him. So no sex that visit for him ;) I told him why.

This visit, no touches kisses or approaches from him at all, which is very unusual.
So last night I looked in his suitcase, and there is a letter from the GU clinic, and guess what he has chlamydia too. Surprise surprise.... not!

So he flies tonight, do I bring the topic up now, or email him with it when he has gone. ie I know, what are you going to do about it, and were you ever going to tell me???

Advice please

[Anna8888]

Have you got children?

[LaDiDaDi]

Talk about it!!!

[YeahBut]

If he's given you chlamydia, what else has he given you? Have you been tested for HIV and other infections?
You need to talk about this, but you know that. This isn't a relationship. Where does he work and why is it only a week at home every couple of months?

[ggglimpopo]

I would go and see and lawyer and the CAB and the next time he is home sit him down calmly adn tell him that you wish to split (if you do) or discuss the situation with chlamidyia as a couple, if you wish to work it out.

You also have the time to photocopy documents and to sort yourself out re admin.

[spicemonster]

the clue is in the first line of the OP 'have posted before but a quick catch up...'

And even if she were just using him for his money, if he's still sleeping with her, you think it's acceptable for him to have unprotected sex with someone else?! Good grief

[spicemonster]

I don't think it's ever acceptable to give your partner an STI, whatever the reasons. But I would read the other thread

[Hassled]

It doesn't sound like any of you have much of a quality of life in terms of a family, or a loving and respectful relationship. You're staying with him for no other reason that that it's easier than splitting, he's having extra-marital sex.
8 hours might not be long enough to sort this out a)in your head and b)with him but you need to spend the next gap thinking long and hard as to whether this is really how you want to reach old age.

[whitetulips]

Thanks guys. I am not as hard as the op sounds, only that our relationship has detiorated over the last 4 years. We were living abroad with the children, we have 2, but he was detached and cold.
I told him I felt unloved and he said it was my problem, I had changed (we have been a couple for 20 years so I would change surely)and he wasn't going to.
So we all moved back to UK, he couldn't or wouldn't find work here, then got a contract in Asia.
So I had given up my career to go with him, hence now not on good salary, I had to start at bottom of career ladder again.
We have house here.

But I am geting the message. I will try and talk to him

[bubblagirl]

i think all you can do is have the chat

work out whether you want him or not as if your still sleeping with him you must still love him yet doesnt sound like you want him so maybe a need rather than love

but if he has given you sti and has been sleeping around this needs to be spoken about he probably wasnt all over you as still being treated or feeling guilt

you both need to work out if you want each other or not to me it sounds like you have already grown apart the distance wont help

but i hope your ok and coping ok but you need to get this out in the open start afresh with each other or alone good luck x

[MrsMacaroon]

how long can you go on like this?

[littlewoman]

I think you have amazing self control. I couldn't have stopped myself from telling him that I knew. Why are you worried about the time limit? Because it isn't enough to get everything sorted? Several months isn't enough to get everything sorted, practically it is maybe. But emotionally, no. If you have made your decision and just lack the courage to see it through, in all honesty I'd have a stiff whisky and just say it. (I'm not very brave).

[mumoverseas]

As a former family lawyer I have heard many times tales of women staying with their husbands for the simple fact that they cannot afford to leave. However, look at the other good and sensible advice you have had. You cannot carry on like this. If you are married and he is the father of your children then legally he has to support you. If you gave up a good career to follow him abroad (which is what I am doing!!!) and are now earning less than you could have before, then he should be obliged to support you (as well as the obvious child maintenance) to get you back on your feet (ie retraining etc). From what you have said you have grounds to commence divorce proceedings on the basis of his adultery. A word of warning though, if you know about the adultery and do nothing about it for 6 months (assuming it was a one off and not continuing) then you cannot use this as a ground for divorce (could go on his unreasonable behaviour though) Please think long and hard about all the advice given and don't live an unhappy life just because you are worried about your finances. Good luck!

[whitetulips]

Thanks, I have spoken with him, for about 20 mins, longer than we have for a long while.
He says he loves me and always has.
I have explained how I feel , that I don't know if I want him or not, he says he wants me. I said we need counselling if we are to stay together, and he has agreed.
He said he was surprised I had not already filed for divorce!
The only problem I have is that I cannot envisage any future for us as we have no real relationship.
I don't kmow if that was me bottling out of saying the truth. I don't know what I think.

At least I said it and he now knows, as he enters new contract negotiations, that is the position.

Thanks for all your support, and I feel much better that we have at least aired it, rather than leaving the elephant in the room til he gets back in a couple of months.

[mumoverseas]

If he is willing to go to counselling/relate/mediation then great, go for it, you have nothing to lose. The majority of men just won't go so if he does, it proves he does want to make it work. Even if you decide ultimately the marriage is over, through the counselling or mediation you should be able to find a way forward in resolving matters ie maintenance and children issues.
Good luck x

[waffletrees]

I would go for counselling. Maybe your relationship has no future but counselling will allow you to split up in a grown up way which has to be good for your DCS. You both owe them that much.

[whitetulips]

Yes i think you are right about the counselling.
The posts yesterday were a bit rushed, as I didn't want him to see.
The chat was constructive, no shouting or recriminations, both very calm, and both agreeing that the relationship is on it's last legs. I didn't want him to end his contract (it finishes at the end of the year)and think he could come back and everything would be just fine, because it won't. It was useful to say that and for him to understand it.
I also made the point that if I filed for divorce, I know that financially, it would leave him in a poor position, and we built our house and savings together, so that would not be fair.

However he says he loves me, but I don't know what that means to him. That is where the counselling will help. I am not sure what kind of love I need, but he has not been providing it for years. I need an equal suportive partner, not just one who sends money and thinks that is it.
I don't know about the physical side, I loved the fact that there were no approaches this week.

Did I say I didn't know if I wanted him because I don't have the guts to say that I need/want to be single for a while, given that I have been with him since I was 16. And is that selfish, bearing in mind that we have children?

He still won't admit he has had sex with anyone else. I think that will be a big stumbling block, because I am convinced he has cos of the chlamydia. Anyway, he has now gone, with lots to think about. he seemed very thoughtful all day yesterday.
He has never been any good at talking emotion, whereas I am fine with it, but he now has 2 months to think about things, and I have 2 months to relax and think about what I really want.

He did say that cpounselling would help us patch things up, and I said I am not settling for that.I don't want to live the rest of my life in a 'patched up' marriage, either we fix it properly, or it is broken.

Thanks for all your support.