DP's Ex Peeing Me Off (epic, sorry).

[littlewoman]

Background - when I first split up with xh, my bf was very kind for about 6 months, then wandered off because she had a new grandson, her own family etc. Her younger daughter has always been a bit of a social misfit (her whole topic of conversation revolves around her sore knee, sore head, sore whatever, and how horrible her parents are to her, how people are stalking her. She is a bit odd, frankly). Anyway, as her mum was busy, the daughter continued to visit me, and I found her boring but useful because she was someone to chat to about xh and someone to go to the pub with when xh had the kids (she was 21, I was 41).

One night at the pub, she said that (soon to become) DP fancied me, and we should go back to his place to see what happened. He seemed very kind, as he was about the only person that ever spoke to her like a human being at the pub, besides me. So I thought 'yes, he seems really nice. Why not?' So we went, and had fun. I suggested to (now) DP that he should ask me out cos I liked him, so we arranged a date but he seemed a bit reticent. Anyway, about a week later, the young girl moved to the seaside and I had seen DP for two dates in that time. One night he sat me down and told me that he was dating this young girl too, and before me. She had insisted he did not tell ANYONE at the pub about them, but he felt he had to tell me because it wasn't fair. I was very angry with her for setting me up with him when she was seeing him all along. WTF? I also asked why he started seeing me when he was seeing her, and he said that she was very young, she was moving away from the area, and he didn't expect it to last when she'd gone, but she continued to want to see him, so he felt he must tell me. Anyway, I ended it, but we remained friends and she soon started playing him about seeing other men.

One night, she totally disappeared, her family called me asking if I knew where she was, I called (now) DP incase he had gone to visit her in Portsmouth, but he didn't know where she was. He called her mum, the shit hit the fan because her family found out she was seeing DP who was a 41 year old man. She was embarrassed, denied she was seeing him, said he was stalking her and he was a nuisance - he was listening to her say this to her aunty, over the phone. It turned out she had been with some young lad overnight when she disappeared. She & DP split up and we got together about a month after.

Anyway, since then, she's moved back to our town. I've been seeing DP for a year now and she hasn't had a decent relationship before or after DP. She's always calling him, texting him, arranging to visit him. She's asked him back out several times, even though he's seeing me. I feel sorry for her because she is very lonely. She has no friends because she stitches everybody up. At the same time, i don't see why I should have to put up with him going to dinner with her, inviting her round (I do not at all suspect him of any duplicity), but she will not go away. I've asked him, if he was going out with anyone besides me, how he thought they would react to this girl texting him, calling him honey, phoning every 5 minutes. Am I being unreasonable? because I want to murder the bitch.

[JessJess3908]

"i don't see why I should have to put up with him going to dinner with her, inviting her round "

Agree with you completely. You can't control her behaviour but you should be able to influence his. She/he have both kept the true nature of their relationship from you in the past (i.e. when you first met) so it's obvious you're not going to trust them now. I'd put my foot down and banish her if I were you...

[littlewoman]

Thanks for replying JessJess. I do trust him , but I don't trust her. I know she can't do anything unless he wants her to, but I feel she is being disrespectful towards me. I used to run her to college every day, she'd be over my house every 5 minutes if her dad peed her off, I'd take her to the pub and pay every Friday. We used to be very close, even though I did find her boring, I was always kind to her. So I feel what she's doing now is disrespectful. Thing is, I know she wouldn't give a flying sod if I told her she is upsetting me with her behaviour. She does what she wants and that is all. She'd just go and tell DP that I've been nasty to her. And I couldn't tell her to sod off anyway. I don't have it in me, and neither does he, so I'm a bit stuffed! My own fault really.

[greenelizabeth]

No. She sounds confused, insecure, not over-burdened with brains, and she's boring to boot. Steer well clear.

You might accidentally become her bestfriends for life.

[TotalChaos]

I don't understand - is your DP taking her up on the invites to dinner? This woman sounds very selfish and immature - so I would run a mile from rekindling the friendship.

[mummymusings]

would your dp find it acceptable for you to text, call, go out to dinners with your exes? perhaps therein lies the answer.

see what you mean though, my head would explode with rage at both of them to be honest.

[littlewoman]

Yes, he lives on his own, so sometimes he just goes to eat at the local pub restaurant instead of cooking for himself. If she's there at the time, or if she phones him and says "do you fancy going for lunch?" he will take her too, and he always pays for her. She has no job - always gets the sack from everywhere.

I know he feels sorry for her - he's always telling me she'll probably kill herself one day because she's so lonely, and I do feel sorry for her on one level. But on the other, she isn't trying to be my friend as well as his, she's trying to be his friend and squeeze me out. I don't know how to resolve this. I feel childish for complaining that she texts and calls him 'honey'. But if I say nothing I feel she is taking the pee out of me. Ho hum.

[mummymusings]

she is a grown woman, not a child and is noones responsibility except her parents. he is allowing himself to be manipulated by her. lets face it shes a woman and shes perfectly aware that its hurtful, that you will bring it up and that it will cause a disagreement, hopefully (for her) a row and he'll fall into her arms.

she is seriously see through, manipulative and flawed and your dp is probably like most blokes and just slightly oblivious to her "wilyness", you cant help the just bumping into each other at the pub but i would request that if she were to call and text etc that he turns her down because he feels it to be inappropriate for him to take her up on her offer given the commitment he has to you and the future of your relationship. any other normal woman would thank him for not only showing her respect by telling them but respect HIM for being decent to his partner and to himself. other than that i would have a quiet word with her mother in a non direct roundabout kind of way.

she is a mentalist.

though on the other hand does she see him as some father/mentor type figure? (i know its not that massive an age gap but a 40yr old is much maturer than a 20ish yr old woman)

[Divastrop]

i dont understand why your dp doesnt just tell her to eff off out of his life?maybe he is enjoying having 2 women on the go

[littlewoman]

Mummymusings, yes, she is a mentalist lol, and I do believe she is manipulating the pair of us because she knows neither of us will be unkind enough to say 'you're taking the pee, sod off'.

I think she leans on him very heavily because she realises he was probably the best she was going to get and she blew it (he really is a lovely person, despite our bad start). Perhaps she's hoping to split us up, I don't know.

Divastrop, maybe he is enjoying the attention of a 20 something year old. Most men would, eh? I think it has to do with his daughter. He left his dp when dd was 2yo and he's never really forgiven himself (his dd is 20 now). Because this girl's parents are 'horrible' to her (bearing in mind that her mum was my bf, so I know the family well and she brings a huge amount of it on herself), anyway because her parents are 'horrible' to her, he thinks being nice to her in some ways makes up for leaving his daughter - if he's nice to someone else's daughter it excuses his behaviour towards his own, type of thing. So he really will not be too horrible to her for fear of tipping her over the edge. She really is completely friendless besides him (and me, a bit). What a bloody mess.

Do you think we could present a united front and say something to her together?

[mummymusings]

i think you should share your concerns with him in a nice way and i wouldnt say a word to her i would be nice as pie and present a nice as pie we are marvellously great we love each and you are fucked kind of front

i would even go so far as to accidentlly turn up when she thinks shes got him all to himself and go "surprise" and give him a big snog and encourage him to come home just to piss her off and let her know he loves you and exactly who hes with (and which side his breads buttered!)

do not give her the satisfaction of winding you up. it will annoy the hell out of her if she cant get a rise out of you.

[littlewoman]

Okay. We are going out for her birthday tomorrow as she doesn't have any other friends to go with. So I will be nice as pie, but especially to him lol. I don't want to be wound up by her. I feel pathetic at my age, and I know I don't really have anything to worry about. It's just so annoying. Thank you MM.