my 2 sisters in law make me feel left out and crap. Would you bother with family dos?

[charmkin]

I always do, but

Hate the build up. Hate the day. Feel crap afterwards. The whole situation makes me feel crap.

They are both thinner than me and neither of them have stressy jobs. One is considerably more well off than me, which is always rubbed in our faces.

We always end up doing what SIL1 wants to do and SIL2 just follows.

always argue with dh about it.

The kids all get on ok. But it is always such a palaver and it really doesn't seem worth it.

Oh and MIL does loads for them (bdays, babysitting) and we never ask her for anything.

I really would love to cut them out of my life.

[toratora]

Don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have 2 sils who make me feel like shit on a regular basis. Neither have kids at the moment, but I am dreading when they do, as mine will have been the practice run for mil.

Oh, and they also always cause rows between dh and me as they make him feel caught in the middle, which is great so you can't even discuss it!

xxx

[Katisha]

Just to say, I have been on the other side of this. I have a SIL who has, for years, decided to compare herself with me, size, job, education level etc etc .It's exhausting to be on the other end of, because it's all in her head, not mine, so I'd just want to be sure that they really are vile to you, or whether it's something you are projecting on to them ...

Why not ask your MIL for help if it's building up inside you and is going to explode like a head of steam? Would she turn you down or not?

[Swedes]

lol @ they are both thinner than me.

[warthog]

try to even the balance then.

ask your mil for help.

suggest a couple of get togethers where as it's your idea, YOU call the shots. eg. let's meet at the park for a picnic. x bring drinks, y bring sandwiches etc.

i'm a stranger in the ethernet, but it does sound to me like you might have a little bit of chip-on-shoulder envy going on. step back and see whether that's the case or not.

i think by being more assertive you'll start to feel better about it.

[funnypeculiar]

Agree with warthog - sounds like you need to seize control It would be a shame to loose contact with your dh's family over this, I'd say.

I would suspect that your MIL does more for them because they ask. She probably thinks you're coping fantastically/don't need her. Or, to be fair, doesn't think about it. Start asking.

Be proactive about events - make things happen your way.

Imho, people are usually competitive when they feel they are faced with competition - ie something about YOU makes them feel inferior. So, they think you are cooler/cleverer/better at parenting/sexier/posher etc (delete as appropriate). Every time they try & make you feel inferior (or you start to feel inferior) think of something YOU do better than them. Smile quietly inside.

[2rebecca]

It's difficult to know if it's them or you. You obviously aren't happy about your weight, not their fault they're thinner than you and unfair to hold that against them, similarly I'm sure their choice of job has nothing to do with you.
If you want to do something different you could try asking, although it is difficult to break into a sibling group and my husband feels my family are very cliquey when we get together, we don't mean to be but we have 40 odd years of history.
I'd look at boosting your self confidence and doing stuff that makes you feel better about yourself, if you still don't like them much just accept that's the way it is and see them now and then for your husband's sake.

[hk78]

my ILs dont make me feel welcome so i just dont go to family do's, dh does it.(i lurk on mumsnet when they're out, lol)

at the same time, i dont say anything either:when i see them , i just put my 'i'm at work' head on, and treat it as a job i'm doing for my children, polite but aloof etc.

seems to work ok.

[Chandon]

how is it relevant that they are thinner? Does that make them less likeable???? That comment says more about you, than about them...

[JessJess3908]

I was intrigued by MIL comment too - why don't you ask her to do anything for you?

How do they make you feel crap? Don't understand - give us some examples to work with!

[Scarletibis]

My SIL is a lot thinner/better groomed than me but I don't see it as a problem - why do you see it as such an issue? And how do they 'rub your faces in it' re the being well off issue. are you sure they are doing it intentionally?

[Elk]

Hi,
I sympathise on the SIL thing. Until dh and I got married I got comments from mine on how they preferred his ex to me (we were together for five years before we got married).

However, it is up to you how you react to their behaviour. If it really upsets you and gets you down then you don't have to visit/get together, you could choose to do something else that day. Or you could come up with your own ideas of what to do so that you are more in control of the situation.

[bb99]

SIL's can be scary and annoying...

My DH used to idolise his sister, to the point of telling me she was a "better wife and mother" than me, when I had really nasty PND (just what u want to hear).

BUT - one thing I know is NEVER EVER EVER criticise the sisters, as DP's do start to feel stuck in the middle and that just causes grief for you. He may not be that happy with any situation that exists but may have divided loyalties (remember multitasking can be tough for (some) men).

I used a nasty bitchy strategy of dropping small ideas and drip feeding them into random conversations with DH and he has FINALLY begun to see that the sun doesn't actually shine from his sibling's derier, and has started standing up for himself a bit more (which was always the most frustrating thing).

Agree with other posters about seizing the initiative, even maybe organising a few family dos yourself or getting in first with the ideas - this works well for us at Christmas time, we start trying to pin down the plans about NOW, then at least we have a fair chance at getting what we want. Also if SIL says daft and insensitive things now I just try to think about how annoying and frustrating she must find me.

Imagine - having the PERFECT woman/wife/mother as your SIL . Keep that image and idea in your head - maybe they have to be competitive with you and say rotten things as they feel intimidated....