saying sorry...

[julesrose]

Why oh why do some people find this so hard? My dh recently fucked up. Nothing serious but at the time upset me a lot. After the event he did agree that what he did was crappy, but it's made me even more angry that he hasn't been able to whole heartedly apologise. I don't bear grudges and if he apologised we could move on.
So why do some people find it so hard?

[Seabright]

I don't know, but my DP's the same. He refuses to use the word "sorry" unless in an ultra-sarcastic way or just grins at me.

I don't get it and it winds me up too

[TheFallenMadonna]

I suspect he thinks that acknowledging what he did was wrong is an apology.

[julesrose]

Do you think that by saying sorry they are admitting they are wrong - and they can't do this. That it makes them feel so bad that they would prefer to risk damaging the relationship than see themselves as culpable in any way.
And I know i need to deal with it better - if he cant say sorry it makes me feel that he doesn't really love me or care a toss about my feelings. And when i go down that road it obviously isn't good.

[more]

It is the way they are raised.
I am from a family that finds it physically painful to apologise.
It is the main reason I am no longer speaking to my family.
I have myself only learnt how to say sorry about 2 years ago. It is still very difficult for me to say sometimes. The more I am in the wrong, the worse my behaviour have been, the more difficult it is to say "sorry".

It boils down to pride I think. I have been brought up to think that if I apologise the other person then "owns" me. It makes me a lesser person, it proves that I am weak and stupid and it is just so bloody typical of me that I cannot get anything right. (This is me writing as I am thinking it so hope it makes sense to you).

[kerryk]

i am the opposite, i say sorry if i walk into a chair. really wish i could stop saying it!!!

[julesrose]

TFM - it isn't an apolgy though and how can someone expect any forgiveness (for want of a better word) if they don't feel sorry and therefore let the other person know they feel sorry.

More - that's interesting. And it makes a lot of sense. How did you learn to apologise? My dh describes his mum as suffocating and controling. I guess that if I need him to apologise he feels that's controling?

[controlfreakyagain]

jules, lots of people say sorry at the drop of a hat and think that negates all manner of bad behaviour.... just as provoking. have you told him how you feel. you need to talk about it and move on....

[Baffy]

I have the exact opposite problem.

H is forever saying sorry. Always saying it! But then he goes and does it again! So I know he doesn't mean it.

I think I'd prefer some sort of 'acknowledgement' that they were wrong, and then the true 'sorry' to be the fact that they've learnt from it/changed the behaviour, and it never happens again.

Actions speak louder than words...

Just trying to give you the other perspective. I can see how frustrating it is for you though.

[TheFallenMadonna]

I'm with Baffy I think.

For me, the acknowledgment is the important bit. Otherwiae apologies can get a bit 'Prince Harry':

"I'm sorry if I caused offence" isn't as meaningful as "What I did was offensive".

IMO

[julesrose]

We do talk about it but there seems a big impasse, as if there is something about the whole fact of saying sorry that's totally impossible for him. It has happened before with a couple of major things which is why it all feels so raw. i just want to get to the bottom of why it can be hard for some people to accept responsibility and apoligise. I think more might have hit the nail on the head. It will make it easier if I can try and get his perspective.
I can see that saying sorry for anything and everything makes it pretty meaningless.

[controlfreakyagain]

it's not just that jules. saying sorry is (imo) somewhat meaningless if the behaviour that has caused such offence is then repeated......

[julesrose]

totally agree but 'I'm sorry if I caused offense' doesn't mean I accept i caused offense, just sorry that you felt that way about it. Seems more likely that they'll do it again if they don't accept responsiility for doing the shitty thing. Seems picking at nits but do you know what I mean?
Anyone else have any reasons why it can be so hard for someone to actually accept they were wrong and apologise?

[HappyWoman]

Is it just words you want- we can all say words (and not mean them). Or is it actions?
Are you clear about what it is that you want from him - and can you tell him that is what you need him to do?

If he has acknowleged he was wrong and you dont think he will repeat it - why is that not enough.

I had a big fallout with family a few years ago - there was an attempt at an appology but i knew that what had happened was imo unforgivable. Instead we agreed that i did not have to forgive but we would just not mention it again. There really was nothing they could have said or done to change what had happened anyway.

Sometimes when others say sorry without thinking i think it is worse - my daughter often says it and i get cross and ask her what she is saying sorry for - often with the reply 'dont know - but isnt that what i am supposed to say?' AGHHHHH no, you are supposed to learn and change too not just think i have let you off with a mere word.

The other think i have learnt is that it is ok to have a different opionion on things and if that causes an arguement the best thing is to appologise for the argument and say lets agree to disagree for now - no-one loses face then. Its only if you think they are still 'wrong' that it causes problems.

[julesrose]

It's genuine words I want, which involves a real understanding of what he did wrong and why it was wrong. That's all. But if him saying sorry means he feels he's lost in some way or as more said he feels a lesser person or weak and stupid then he's not going to want to / be able to apologise. And so we get stuck.

[more]

Julesrose, he needs to accept that his behaviour is wrong. You can't change unless you realise that what you are doing is wrong. It is like any other problem, unless you fully accept that you have a problem you are not going to change.

[julesrose]

More - I showed him this thread and your comments really struck a cord so thank you
x

[littlewoman]

I learnt that I wasn't always right when I was 23. Remember it very clearly. I'd had a disagreement with my friend about vitamin K. Later, I found he was right, and it actually made me squirm to think that I had been wrong and I ought to apologise. I felt small and stupid. I actually considered avoiding him from then on.

Then I decided just to go for it, and I apologised. He was very noble, and didn't gloat! I now find it very liberating to be able to say sorry. I don't have to worry about being right all the damned time - if I'm wrong, it's easily sorted, and I've learned from the experience.

[more]

You're welcome