I want a new life, trapped by everything, feel helpless

[Iwantanewlife40128]

As my username says, I long for a new life. I feel completely trapped and only see a decline in my future which is making me feel desperate and helpless.
I am in an extremely unhappy marriage of 20 years, we go through a continuous loop of a week of everything being OK, then a disagreement about something , then a week of not speaking to each other at all and completely avoiding each other in the home. This has been going on for years. We have not slept together in 3 years and do not share a bed.
I desperately want to separate. I work full time in a job I hate earning minimum wage. I've applied for so many jobs recently and not even heard back off 1. There is no way I could afford to separate on my wage.we have 2 preteens who cost a lot of money!!
I have also stayed because of covid , then husband had mental health problems so couldn't leave him then, now he is a completely different person, our marriage is dead in the water. Then didn't want to upset the kids as my daughter idolises him.
My eldest son is also starting with mental health problems, he has adhd and now suffers from debilitating anxiety which is controlling his life and ours.so I'm worried sick about him all the time.
My parents are nearly 80 and I know what's coming with them. I have health problems. I am also morbidly obese due to comfort eating. This makes me feel horrible but I just can't stop. Only have 1 friend who is always busy and the people I work with are 20 years younger and completely two faced.
I feel like I have problems coming out of my ears and don't know what to tackle first. I know I need to break it down and there are things I can do such as exercise, lose weight, start a hobby, try to make friends, do a qualification to get a better job etc.
But I just can't at this moment in time. I feel completely overwhelmed and am not in the right mindset to do any of that .I feel like I'm drowning. We are away for a uk break at the moment, I should be happy I'm off work and away, but I've been so stressed recently I feel ill all the time.
Has anyone been through similar and come through the other side?

[Lovelyview]

I haven't got any experience of going through this but you sound like you're in a really bad place mentally and I think you should as a first step see your doctor about this. It sounds like your whole family is in a negative doom spiral and no-one currently has the resources to help reverse that. You may be able to self refer for counselling.

[Iwantanewlife40128]

I've not bothered which counselling because what could they possibly help with?
My distress is being caused by the situations around me , and they arent going to change

[Lovelyview]

@Iwantanewlife40128

I've not bothered which counselling because what could they possibly help with?
My distress is being caused by the situations around me , and they arent going to change

I think it would help to talk through the problems and work out how to tackle them with someone in real life.

[Seaoftroubles]

So sorry that you are struggling it's awful when you feel you have so many issues to deal with that you don't know where to start. But l think l would begin with you and your well being, because as you rightly say there are things you can do there as it's within your control. What is the most pressing thing? Decide, and start from there by making small changes.

[Inaspot21]

@Iwantanewlife40128

I've not bothered which counselling because what could they possibly help with?
My distress is being caused by the situations around me , and they arent going to change

I wouldn’t write off counselling. Perhaps it could better equip you to cope and help your mindset? You have so much going on and looking at the big picture is just far too overwhelming. But maybe you could start by changing just one thing, even if quite minor that gets the ball rolling. Breaking things down into small steps is preferable but it’s understanding that feel you have nowhere to go with anything right now.

[Iwantanewlife40128]

My mum is my counsellor lol I talk to her a lot. But I don't agree with a lot of her advice. She's been in an unhappy marriage all her life but has stayed due to finances.
She's advised me to do the same and that I shouldn't separate. So not always good advice!! But I can vent to her

[Opentooffers]

You've listed what's wrong, and you also know what needs doing to fix it. The only person stopping you from fixing it is you and your MH state. You have to be the change for change to happen, but you acknowledge that you feel you can't do what needs doing. That is what the counselling is for, to help you change your mindset from 'can't do anything' to 'yes I can take the steps'. You are your own blocker on this and being negative about counselling is just another barrier you are putting in the way. Try it, you have nothing to lose, at worst it doesn't help, but what if it did ....?

[whichwayisup]

Small steps, tiny steps each day. Only way out of your current situation. Stop looking at blaming everyone else and start looking at what you could change to make your life more bearable. A short walk in the morning, not having the snack before bed time. Small small steps every day will build momentum.

[Opentooffers]

A counsellor is very different from a mother, do not go to her for counselling advice, you already know she has set you a bad example in life and clearly isn't the person to advise you on this as she has the same issues and also done nothing.

[Imgoingtobefree]

My user name says it all. I’m divorcing after nearly 40years in an abusive marriage.

I know that feeling. When you feel you have no control over your life, it’s very natural to feel so overwhelmed that any decision is too much, too difficult.

Your internal head/emotional space is so busy firefighting all these things every day there’s no clear space to actually try and solve any of the problems. I visualise it like trying to make a complicated meal from scratch, when the kitchen counter is 100% covered in rubbish and dirty dishes.

One thing I think you should do first. Talk to a solicitor to find out what your financial situation would be if you divorced. Sometimes you can get a free initial consultation. Or look at Wikivorce website. Then perhaps see if there is any extra financial help available through benefits.

You don’t have to do anything with this if you don’t want to, but knowledge is power. Perhaps you can afford to leave?

What is often suggested is a Mind Map or brain dump. Do an Images Google search to see what I mean. It’s a visual way of putting your life/difficulties on a piece of paper. Then you can see all the difficulties and break them down in to smaller and smaller tasks to achieve some clarity on how to go about solving them. At first it can be daunting to see it all on paper. But the old saying you won’t get anything done unless you take the first step, is true. Even if they are tiny, tiny baby steps. And some things can’t be solved, they just have to be ‘parked’ somewhere til something changes.

Im overweight too. It’s mostly due to the fact I stuff my face with ice cream, chocolate and biscuits after my dinner everyday evening. I’ve tried so hard to stop it.

I started the Mounjaro weight loss injection last Friday. After two days, I haven’t had any ice cream or chocolate or biccies at all. I got it from Asda. Expensive I admit, but I reckon I’m saving at least 50% on all the crap I’m not eating.

There’s a thing called Locus of Control. My understanding of it is that some people feel life/events/other people cause most of the things that happen to them in their life. Other people feel that they are the ones responsible and in control of their life. After so long with a coercive/controlling husband I felt completely powerless, like a piece of flotsam tossed about by the waves.

I have had to learn through my divorce that I am really the master of my own future, I have more power than I think. It’s been very very hard for me to put this into action. I only started doing this when I physically moved out away from my husband.

Making decisions and putting them into action is still hard for me. I have a list of telephone calls I should be making today, and yet here I am on MN procrastinating as usual.

Best of luck, and remember - baby steps are better than nothing.

[Seaoftroubles]

@Imgoingtobefree, what an inspiring post! Well done on taking those steps to free yourself. I wish you every happiness as you move forward. OP, l hope this gives you inspiration to take the first step. And also, as other posters have said counselling will help give you tools to make a start.