Divorce due to emotional abuse

[Pineappleafro]

I originally posted on the divorce thread but didn't get much response.

Is anyone going through a divorce due to emotional abuse?

I'm looking for advice/similar experiences.

I'm currently separated from my husband (soon to be ex). I've decided to leave the marriage due to his continued inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour. He had an affair before we were married, we decided to work through it. We married and things were good. But every so often he told me for a he was unhappy and would talk of a black hole inside of himself, and that he didn't feel loved. Initially he placed a lot of blame towards me for this unhappiness and it didn't seem to matter what I did to make him happy. He told me I needed to change and that I wasn't the best version of myself. This went on for a while. Things would seem to improve and then it would crop back up. By this point we had a child and had bought our first house.

He then had issues with his mental health (PTSD) and pretty much had a breakdown. I did everything I could to help and support him. He feels I didn't. In this period he had another affair which I didn't find out about until over a year later.

I wanted to leave at this point but he essentially implied he was scared of what he would do to himself. So I stayed for his mental health and because we had a very young child. We tried to work through everything but he was never happy. And would say its because I don't meet his needs, abd I don't make him feel loved. He would often speak to me with disdain but then act like nothing happened. We would go through these weird cycles of everything being good and then out of no where, he was miserable and told me he loved me but didn't like me, he didn't respect me and he would never respect me until I respected him. He'd say that nothing truly got better because he just swallowed his feelings abd he would scream at me in his head. He got easily upset if I didn't take his advice or do things slightly different to the way he would. I.e he got annoyed and angry when I would stack the glass jar coffee pots rather than out them in a line. He spoke to me in a harsh way and still does at times. Then tell me I'm too sensitive and fragile.

I got to the end of my tolerance with this behaviour and the last straw was him speaking with the old affair partner for weeks before I found out. All generic stuff but it was the sheer disrespect that I couldn't get past. I just thought he is never going to change.

Since the separation his emotional abuse initially got worse and he blamed me for everything and basically said I was neglecting my obligations as a wife and giving up on the marriage contract.

Does this sound like emotional abuse?

Thanks for reading if you got this far 😅

[Bluepetergarden]

Has he had any type of therapy / counselling?

[Cathbrownlow]

You don't have to build a case for divorce any more, you can just do a no fault divorce - not sure of the timings but have a look on the Gov website. And yes, I don't blame you for wanting out. You're not his rehab centre, as someone once said on here.

[Povertytrapped]

Yes love that sounds exactly like emotional abuse. My ex was the same, friendly and helpful (ish) one day and nasty the next. I divorced him a year ago and life is so much better without him in it! I still struggle sometimes and have to remind myself I don’t have to appease him any more (we have DC) and yes he got a lot more nasty after we separated, but I can honestly say every minute of it was worth it for the freedom I have now. Get yourself out of there as soon as you can.

[Pineappleafro]

@Bluepetergarden

Has he had any type of therapy / counselling?

He has. Had independent counselling and specific PTSD therapy. And just recently he attended counselling again. We did try couples counselling, twice, but that didn't go well at all.

[Pineappleafro]

@Cathbrownlow

You don't have to build a case for divorce any more, you can just do a no fault divorce - not sure of the timings but have a look on the Gov website. And yes, I don't blame you for wanting out. You're not his rehab centre, as someone once said on here.

Yes I know. Its more the fact that he can't really see how his behaviour is impacting me or has impacted me. He seems to think and actively tell me that I'm the problem. And I can't communicate and that is why we have these issues. I honestly feel confused after every conversation we have about it. I've just given up now. And I'm pushing forward with the divorce.

[Pineappleafro]

@Povertytrapped

Yes love that sounds exactly like emotional abuse. My ex was the same, friendly and helpful (ish) one day and nasty the next. I divorced him a year ago and life is so much better without him in it! I still struggle sometimes and have to remind myself I don’t have to appease him any more (we have DC) and yes he got a lot more nasty after we separated, but I can honestly say every minute of it was worth it for the freedom I have now. Get yourself out of there as soon as you can.

Thank you. I know this behaviour isn't appropriate but it's difficult when he has consistently told me that I'm the problem and things won't chnage until I change. Its all rather draining.

It's good to hear a positive story, as its been quite horrible since I've told him I want the divorce.

[Cathbrownlow]

I think you're doing the best thing by not bothering to discuss things with him any more. Good luck with it all.

[Pineappleafro]

@Cathbrownlow

I think you're doing the best thing by not bothering to discuss things with him any more. Good luck with it all.

Thank you 😊

[jeaux90]

Yes but it doesn't matter. You are done and you don't need a reason. I really hope the divorce happens smoothly for you OP. I bet you are so much happier since you pulled the trigger and left.

[3sausagedogs]

Go and talk to some female charities for support. I found one in the county where I live! They were brilliant! They gave me and the children support and they came to court with me. They made me feel that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only one. They explained all the abuse to me do I could understand the extent of it x Keep going as it is hard but it honestly gets better once the divorce is done and with time x

[Arnia]

Well done for getting out OP! Yes he is emotionally abusive and I can completely understand why you are trying to figure that out, but I would say don't waste your energy trying to unravel him and the why's of his behaviour- that way madness lies! You won't be able to understand it so I would completely disengage from him and grey rock things until the divorce is resolved. Perhaps unpick it afterwards with counselling for yourself if you need to, but for now just focus on getting out as quickly and smoothly as you can.

He's been horrible to you and I'm so glad to finally had enough 💐

[Octavia64]

He will not see how his behaviour has impacted you.

In order to do so he would
Have to accept that he has done something "wrong" and he won't want to do that.

I had one very similar.

My life is a lot better without him in it.

[Ohffsbarbara]

He sounds like a narc - nothing is ever their fault. They are abusive and nasty and then when they feel you pulling away/you threaten to split they turn on the charm again or start threatening to kill themselves (but never actually go through with it). Next time he threatens to harm himself tell him you are putting the phone down and calling the police to do a welfare check on him. And do it. It’s just another way to manipulate you.

There are loads of coaches on Instagram who are experts in helping you recover from narcissistic abuse - at the very least it will give you the clarity of knowing what you’re dealing with.

Well done for getting rid.

[Isthisexpected]

@Pineappleafro

Yes I know. Its more the fact that he can't really see how his behaviour is impacting me or has impacted me. He seems to think and actively tell me that I'm the problem. And I can't communicate and that is why we have these issues. I honestly feel confused after every conversation we have about it. I've just given up now. And I'm pushing forward with the divorce.

He doesn't have to understand why you're getting divorced. You don't need to take him on this journey with you. You can just do it.

[Pineappleafro]

@jeaux90

Yes but it doesn't matter. You are done and you don't need a reason. I really hope the divorce happens smoothly for you OP. I bet you are so much happier since you pulled the trigger and left.

No you're right, it doesn't. I don't think I'd ever understand why. I'm hoping so, I kind of just want it over and done with now so I can try to move forward.

[Pineappleafro]

@3sausagedogs

Go and talk to some female charities for support. I found one in the county where I live! They were brilliant! They gave me and the children support and they came to court with me. They made me feel that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only one. They explained all the abuse to me do I could understand the extent of it x Keep going as it is hard but it honestly gets better once the divorce is done and with time x

I have reached out to some and I've got an appointment with a local charity. Hoping it helps me to just understand more and help me move forward. Its taken a while for him to accept the separation and that I'm divorcing him.

[Pineappleafro]

@Arnia

Well done for getting out OP! Yes he is emotionally abusive and I can completely understand why you are trying to figure that out, but I would say don't waste your energy trying to unravel him and the why's of his behaviour- that way madness lies! You won't be able to understand it so I would completely disengage from him and grey rock things until the divorce is resolved. Perhaps unpick it afterwards with counselling for yourself if you need to, but for now just focus on getting out as quickly and smoothly as you can.

He's been horrible to you and I'm so glad to finally had enough 💐

Thank you. You're right, I have wasted a lot of time wondering why and how. He just has a very good way of twisting everything I say. So I have just disengaged now. It's hard because we have two young children, so I can't just stop all contact. Which I find frustrating. I'm looking forward now to the day the divorce is all done and dusted. Then I can really just move on.

[Pineappleafro]

@Octavia64

He will not see how his behaviour has impacted you.

In order to do so he would
Have to accept that he has done something "wrong" and he won't want to do that.

I had one very similar.

My life is a lot better without him in it.

I think that's what I was looking for from him, some sort of understanding or resolution but it's never going to come.

It's good to hear that people have moved on and are happier now. So glad you're doing better without him.

[Pineappleafro]

@Ohffsbarbara

He sounds like a narc - nothing is ever their fault. They are abusive and nasty and then when they feel you pulling away/you threaten to split they turn on the charm again or start threatening to kill themselves (but never actually go through with it). Next time he threatens to harm himself tell him you are putting the phone down and calling the police to do a welfare check on him. And do it. It’s just another way to manipulate you.

There are loads of coaches on Instagram who are experts in helping you recover from narcissistic abuse - at the very least it will give you the clarity of knowing what you’re dealing with.

Well done for getting rid.

I have been reading up on this and he does seem to fit the description. It's hard to think that I probably don't really know him at all after all these years. But also I'm glad I've come to the realisation now and not in another 20 years!

[Pineappleafro]

@Isthisexpected

He doesn't have to understand why you're getting divorced. You don't need to take him on this journey with you. You can just do it.

You're right. I made the mistake of trying to engage with him and talk it through. But that just made everything worse. I have realised I just need to crack on and go ahead with it. Then I can move forward with my life. The last few years have been so mentally draining!