Give me a reality check please

[Daffodil9]

I was stuck in an unhealthy and stressful relationship, on and off, for 3 years. I finally gave him the boot in December. But the illogical and emotional side of me keeps wondering if things could have ever worked out, if there was something genuine, deeper and meaningful between us which I won’t come across again. Then I switch back to feeling angry and resentful about how poorly I was treated. Please give me a reality check about this man!

He was using dating sites and seeing/planning to see other women while we were together which was the final straw, while being incredibly paranoid and controlling about me doing those things (I wasn’t!).

I had to walk on eggshells constantly, be available at all times to speak with him, but he could go AWOL for an entire weekend and if I said anything, I was being controlling, clingy and demanding. Basically any basic expectation of being treated well was met with mockery and dismissed. He also could not cope with me having male friends.

He had a drinking problem and gained a huge amount of weight from when we first dated - all around his middle, just from being very unhealthy, not naturally being larger. I also suspect he had a drug issue which he tried to hide from me. He was constantly having financial issues, on the brink of being evicted pretty much all the time, unable to keep up with his car repayments and getting fines on an almost weekly basis because he didn’t pay attention to any road signs or restrictions. He had ongoing legal troubles due to getting into car accidents which were deemed to be his fault. He also had to skip between jobs a lot, because he would often go out partying all night and miss work the following day. He had frequent visits from bailiffs from not paying bills or fines on time - they came banging once when I was staying at his to have a romantic dinner 😳. he was also very emotionally immature - he would often give me the silent treatment if I did or said something he didn’t like, then reappear days later and pretend nothing was wrong and that I needed to ‘get over it’. He lied compulsively; even about little things. If we had an argument based on me trying to stand up for myself, he would go and tell his friends, then tell me afterwards he told them the story and they all think I’m crazy/horrible. I just ended up being in a state of constant anxiety.

I am really careful with things like paying bills and being organised. I work in a profession which took 5+ years of training, and I have never had debt or issues with driving. I stay fit and eat healthily, and make an effort with my life. As much as he has eroded and chipped away at my self esteem I know I have a lot of things going for me; even if I feel hung up over a loser at the moment.

He was really keen for us to live together and have children. I know I have had a lucky escape on paper but does anyone have any words of wisdom on how I move past this? I’m really frustrated that I haven’t seen or spoken to this man in three months, but I’m still mentally and emotionally invested enough to be writing a post on MN about him - all the manipulative, mean and confusing things just keep going around in my head. Please give me a reality check and help me never think of him again!

[something2say]

Reading thro your post -

He was looking for other women.
He then gaslit you about it, lying to you.
Double standards and unfairness shot thro it.
Calling you names, wanting your time but pushing you away - push pull, no safety for you.
Chaotic lifestyle, hasn't got his shit together at all.
Risky and dangerous.
Unsafe.
Unable to communicate.

Are you just lonely? You can see the wrongness?

What I think is, you have to be mindful and stop yourself from ruminating over this guy because it's a total waste of your precious time.

Instead you need a program to get back to being the best version of yourself - the eating, the rest and exercise, dressing well, making plans, doing things you like doing, going out to places, seeing people - look forward. At the very least you have a period of singleness before you, which will come to an end at some stage - what will you fill it with? I've had some excellent single times thro my life.

And, what sort of man do you want? Write the qualities out and stick them up and then maybe start internet dating. I recently met an amazing man who ticks all my boxes and ones I didn't know I had. Visualise it and don't settle. You have settled seriously here and it has not worked and it never does work. It's really best not to waste time, to use the time well and to keep a positive mind about what you DO want. Forget this one darling, you can do SO much better.

[karma1979]

Ok so just pretend for a minute your best friend had come out of a relationship like that. What advice would you give her? You ended things for very valid reasons. And not to sound cliche but there are a lot of fish in the sea. You deserve more than a drunken bottom feeder. do not settle. The dating sites thing is a teller that he was not the one!! You should be so happy you saw the light!
I've recently ended things with my bf of 3.5, I admit the thought of being lonely etc is tough but being unhappy with no potential for change is worse for sure.

[RadRad]

The drinking and suspected drug use alone would have dragged you down with him with more time, my gran used to say that womanising fades out with age but drinking is for life. Stay strong and think positively about the future, you have done the right thing!

[Catoo]

Can you reframe this OP?

You’ve saved your future self and your DC the stress of living with an emotionally abusive cheating man who wastes family money on drugs and alcohol for himself. You’d be doing all the breadwinning and work around the home. He’d be disappearing, having affairs, getting you into debt and blaming you for everything. You could forget family holidays. He would have spent all the money and even if you did manage them, he’d ruin them by disappearing off for drink or being a twat if he couldn’t get the drink and drugs he wanted.

It’s a bleak future for you and any DC with him in it.
Keep moving onwards.
Block him on everything.
💐

[maybelou]

I think what you probably miss more is being in a relationship and having that 'person', rather than the guy himself, since he sounds completely awful.

You'll find a million times better elsewhere and be far happier for it.

[choixduroi]

If you're not familiar with it already, I found the blog Baggage Reclaim to be really amazing with helpful advice for this type of situation.

[karrie101]

kinda sounds like my current ex boyfriend, like a previous post has said, if that was a friend telling you all this, what would you honestly say to them

[Watchkeys]

What were your parents like?

Try to work out why you feel the way you do, rather than what 'reality' is. Your reality is reality, so we can't 'correct' you. We each have our own separate beliefs that make up our own realities. Have a look at your beliefs and where they came from. Why do you believe that love might look like this?