Telling your partner about your past

[kimberlycharl]

Hello all I'm wondering do you tell your partner everything about your past? In the past I have sat with my boyfriend and discussed past relationships with him. And in the heat of an argument he threw those things back in my face. Now again he wants talk about my past because he feels like we didn't talk much about it. I've told him about the terrible decisions I've made, the abusive relationships, being cheated on etc. It's not easy talking about those things so I basically try to forget it. Talking about it with him makes me sort of uncomfortable because I feel like I'm being judged for something I did at 18. I am open with him about a lot of things I don't keep secrets from him. But a lot of things I went through in my past are hard to talk about. I've discussed with him the way we grew up and things my mom did. But I don't go into detail because I get emotional.

[kimberlycharl]

I have been in therapy to work on my issues. But he doesn't see a need in me going to therapy. He wants me to tell him all of the things I tell my therapist.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

@kimberlycharl

I have been in therapy to work on my issues. But he doesn't see a need in me going to therapy. He wants me to tell him all of the things I tell my therapist.

Nooooooooo. Massive no to this and it's really a red flag for controlling behaviour.

He's not a professional and he's utterly unqualified to help you with your mental health. His support for you should begin and end with "I'm here for you and if you want to talk, I'm always ready to listen."

He's already proved he can't be trusted with this information as he's used it to hurt you during arguments.

He doesn't want to "know you better" or "understand you". He wants ammunition.

[HeadInTheSand0324]

He has got no right to know anything about your past unless it directly impacts him or your relationship.

I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years, been together 14 years in total, and there are lots of things in my past that he has no idea about. I’m 100% sure he has things in his past that I don’t know about either but that’s fine, he has the right to his privacy. Everyone has the right to privacy about their past, including you.

Your boyfriend sounds extremely controlling of you and I would seriously be thinking about whether this is the relationship for you.

[MumHereAgain2023]

No way.

[TheGreatGherkin]

I bet he asked how many sexual partners you have had didn't he? This one is not a keeper especially as he has used the information you have given him to hurt you during an an argument.

[Giggorata]

Definitely not.
Never, even with the ones who seem like good ones.
For others, it just becomes ammunition.
You have already experienced him bringing up things you told him in arguments.
None of his damned business.

[AuContraire]

Absolutely do not tell him all the details. There is no good that can come from that, even if he wasn't asking in order to bash you round the head with it (he is).

He already knows more than you're comfortable with. Just say no.

[ChristmasFluff]

I have only ever spoken about past relationships as and when it came up. For example, my ex-husband was with me for over 16 years and knew the broad brush strokes of my major relationships, but not the nitty-gritty details. Same from my side.

Generally in a relationship you want to be focussed on getting to kow the person by chatting and seeing how they are in different situations, not by interviewing them or trying to be their therapist.

The only exception to this was the abusive ex, who wanted to know everything. But I was quite guarded as I was divorcing my husband at the time, and had no intention of washing that dirty linen with a new boyfriend. In the end he stopped asking.

So he never was able to throw imaginary 'trust' issues in my face, or blame my exes for my responses to his abuse and bad behaviour. another reason he quickly resorted to his fists I suppose.

Being too open with someone too soon is not usually a good idea - I say that as someone who was once an open book.

As it is, this man has betrayed your trust by using your past against you. Trust him less than you would trust a stranger.

[Bobbotgegrinch]

Why on earth are you still with him given what he's done to you in the past?

Be sensible and end it already.

[WoodBurningStov]

If he's thrown your past back in your face during an argument there's no way I'd discuss anything further with I'm, I'd also be thinking long and hard about the relationship.

Getting you to open up about your past and then using it against you is a huge red flag and standard tactics for an abuser.

Keep going to your therapist, I'd be tempted to discuss your current relationship with them too

[StarlightLady]

What happened in the past stays in the past and is of no consequence to the present.

[samestyle]

I would briefly discuss the past relationship ended 5 years ago and I would want to know a bit about the past whoever I'm with, nothing in detail and certainly wouldn't keep opening up the discussion, I wouldn't bother discussing anything that happened in my youth, I'm in my 40s so a teenage relationship is like a different lifetime to me.

Sounds like your bf is trying to put the blame on you and a unhealthy obsession with your past

[MyFirstLittlePony]

He does not have a right to know anything

He does not sound like a very nice or supportive guy to be honest

What is his motive...?!

[MILTOBE]

He sounds absolutely horrible. I'd dump him and get a therapist. In future I'd be very cautious of telling a partner everything about my past until I'd known him for a very long time and knew he wasn't the type to beat me with it.

[HollyKnight]

Nope. It's none of his business. I've only ever discussed long-term relationships. Even those were none of his business really, but I felt like it was important to discuss how we handle conflict in relationships.

Ditch the judgemental prick you're with now. You actually don't owe anyone your history. In future, keep it to yourself.

[80s]

And in the heat of an argument he threw those things back in my face.

Talking about it with him makes me sort of uncomfortable because I feel like I'm being judged for something I did at 18.

But he doesn't see a need in me going to therapy. He wants me to tell him all of the things I tell my therapist.

He sounds awful. Red flags a-flying. Disloyal, judgemental and controlling.

I would not talk to a dp like I would to a therapist; e.g. I would not be as self-critical or self-analytical as it would be extremely boring. The point of a therapist is not just to "get it off your chest" by opening up, but also to talk about things with someone who is trained in the field and can help you get a different perspective on events. Unless your partner is trained in the field, how would talking to him in that way help?

I've talked about things I wanted my dp to know about me, to understand me better, but never especially emotionally. He's able to read between the lines and is understanding, undramatic and unjudgemental. His response might be to talk about similar experiences he or his friends have had, or to say something jokey (which he knows I appreciate).