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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I lied to my friend

18 replies

MilkChocBrazils · 27/03/2024 17:14

And I'm quite rightly consumed by guilt and shame.

I have a very close friend who I love very much. She told me she liked a mutual friend of ours last Summer, and it seemed from his flirtatious behaviour towards her that it was reciprocated, but they'd never discussed it or acted on it. At a work Christmas party he kissed me. I was very shocked, and in my surprised and drunken state I blurted out that she liked him, stated that I thought he liked her back, and that I was very uncomfortable with doing anything further.

I told her about the kiss, but when she asked me if I'd told him anything that she'd said about her feelings towards him I panicked and said I hadn't. I was ashamed of breaking her confidence, scared of losing her, and scared of confrontation.

She brought it up again a month later and I lied again, saying that I hadn't told him anything.

4 months on and I'm wracked with guilt and shame because nobody deserves to be deceived and the way I've behaved goes against all my values and I know I need to tell her what I've done. I don't expect to be forgiven. I have no expectations for the outcome of coming clean at all. I know I've been a terrible friend and if she decides to cut me off I'll have to live with that.

My question is about timings. She lost a cousin she was close to recently and the funeral is next week, and obviously I don't want to add to her distress. How long should I wait to bring this up?

OP posts:

Horationor · 27/03/2024 17:22

I think you've left it too late to tell her now.

If you didn't tell her at the time I would leave well alone.

Original poster

MilkChocBrazils · 27/03/2024 17:29

Horationor · 27/03/2024 17:22

I think you've left it too late to tell her now.

If you didn't tell her at the time I would leave well alone.

I see what you're saying, but I feel like people should be able to make informed decisions about who they choose to be close to (or not). I feel like I'm removing her agency by not telling her. Plus it could also come out anyway if the mutual friend ever says anything.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 27/03/2024 17:31

It's too late now, is she still in contact with him? Is there any way she would find out? If not, don't bring it up again!

Original poster

MilkChocBrazils · 27/03/2024 17:37

TokyoSushi · 27/03/2024 17:31

It's too late now, is she still in contact with him? Is there any way she would find out? If not, don't bring it up again!

They're still friends. It's unlikely it'd come up, but there is still a chance.

The reason I've left it this long is because my DD6 has been very ill. She's not been able to attend school since last October and I've been so focussed on her that everything else has fallen by the wayside.

OP posts:

Bobbotgegrinch · 27/03/2024 17:38

This is a complete non issue. Why would you tell her?

Stichintime · 27/03/2024 17:39

Don't worry about it, it will get lost in time.

BCBird · 27/03/2024 17:40

I would not tell her.

AlohaOptima · 27/03/2024 17:43

Don’t tell her.

they clearly don’t like each other that much, neither have made a move, he kissed you, he knows she likes him and has still done nothing so it’s clearly never going to happen between them.

Just hope he was drunk and doesn’t remember and say nothing about it to either of them.

Original poster

MilkChocBrazils · 27/03/2024 17:43

Really? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel so guilty and ashamed. I am having a recurrence of OCD type intrusive thoughts at the moment, probably due to the stress of DD's illness. Is this potentially another fixation?

OP posts:

Bobbotgegrinch · 27/03/2024 17:45

Yes, I'd say so.

No good can come from telling her. You cocked up by telling him in the first place but there's no fixing that now. Just let it go.

Stichintime · 27/03/2024 17:47

I think it may be another fixation. You didn't really do anything major, so try and put it out of your mind. It's not worth your headspace, and will sound bad if you say anything now, it's too late!

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 27/03/2024 17:47

Lies of omission, where they are with good intent, aren't always a bad thing.

I think this is a case where you can always claim you were tipsy so you didn't remember if it's ever revisited.

It's a non issue really.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2024 17:48

Good grief, op, this is a total non-issue. Just let it go.

Original poster

MilkChocBrazils · 27/03/2024 17:54

Looks like more therapy is in order to deal with the OCD. I thought I was coping with it, but clearly not.

Thank you all for replying and giving me a reality check 💐

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 27/03/2024 20:31

@MilkChocBrazils as a fellow OCD sufferer I am wiling to bet my house that this is a fixation from stress. I KNOW it feels so valid and important when you’re ruminating but I can guarantee you that your mind is blowing this up to be a MUCH bigger issue than it deserves xx label it for what it is. An intrusive thought. Nothing more. This WILL pass 💐💐💐

Domino20 · 27/03/2024 20:35

It was months ago and there have been no repercussions. Leave it alone.

Opentooffers · 27/03/2024 22:24

You've done her a favour, he would of taken it as a green light and approached her if he was interested- in which case, you would of helped to bring them together. But, as not interested he now knows not to lead her on so she can move on - if he does lead her on, then that's down to him and his bad.
You gave her solidarity by not taking it further and not getting involved with him. So yea, you played the good friend part, nothing for you to worry about. Then you spared her embarrasment by, use of a harmless fib. It's misplaced embarrasment anyway on her part, she hasn't piped up herself months on, so she's not going to get anywhere being that she about it - or she knows not to ask as has sussed he's not interested.
Overall nothing big and not worth telling.

Dery · 28/03/2024 01:34

“You've done her a favour, he would of taken it as a green light and approached her if he was interested- in which case, you would of helped to bring them together. But, as not interested he now knows not to lead her on so she can move on - if he does lead her on, then that's down to him and his bad.
You gave her solidarity by not taking it further and not getting involved with him. So yea, you played the good friend part, nothing for you to worry about. Then you spared her embarrasment by, use of a harmless fib. It's misplaced embarrasment anyway on her part, she hasn't piped up herself months on, so she's not going to get anywhere being that she about it - or she knows not to ask as has sussed he's not interested.
Overall nothing big and not worth telling.”

This with bells on. About 25 years ago, a friend at work told a mutual colleague that I fancied him. It got him thinking and he and I have now been together nearly 25 years…. That’s what could have resulted from what you blurted out. It didn’t because he’s not interested in that way. This way the whole thing can blow over. Don’t give it another thought. Hope your DD gets better soon.

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