What the relationship counsellors said

[Notacheerio]

I feel like there is much more to the information that we have been given following seeing two relationship counsellors.
The first said that there was a "disconnect" but did not expand on what she meant by this. She also suggested that my husband have individual counselling. DH said he didn't gel with her so we changed to someone else and he has not attended individual therapy. I thought this counsellor was excellent as she made me feel very seen and pushed him to consider my points of view.

The most recent relationship counsellor has said that I appear exhausted and should take some time out from relationship therapy/relationship work and has suggested she sees DH individually.

What are these counsellors noticing in him? They are clearly seeing something but saying very little.

He is not at all aggressive in the sessions but highly dismissive. Both counsellors have said that neither of us listen well but that I appear to be emotionally distressed. I have had lots of individual therapy which they know about. Why have both suggested that he needs individual therapy? What are they seeing in him?

[Ohffsbarbara]

They are seeing that he is abusive IMO. It is not recommended to have couples therapy with an abuser.

They are probably seeing right through him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What the other poster wrote. Good counsellors do not ever undertake any joint counselling sessions with an abuser and their chosen target.

And he is extremely unlikely to have individual therapy because he feels entitled to treat you like he does and feels he has done nothing wrong with regards to you.

[Notacheerio]

Thanks for your opinions.
I've always suspected he is neurodivergent so wondered if it could be that they were picking up on. Particularly with the word "disconnect."

[Thisistyresome]

There is far too little information here to make a judgement on what a councillor is thinking.
 
Have your own therapists said anything about how the relationship is impacting you?

[Floopani]

I couldn't comment on your particular situation until you give more info on your DH.

I had relationship counselling at the end of my marriage over a decade ago. Indivudual counselling was suggested for us both. With the gift of hindsight, he was emotionally abusive and highly critical of me, I am neurodivergent and had a traumatic childhood. None of those things were apparent to me at the time. Getting out of that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. The counsellor is likely seeing that couples therapy isn't the best course because one/both of you have lots to explore individually that exploring together will only be damaging for one/both of you.

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

He didn't gel with the counsellor because they hit the nail on the head

Is he authentic, honest, empathetic?

[AgentJohnson]

We can’t make a judgment on so little information but you said he was highly dismissive, which is probably what they see too. They probably see that his behaviour warrants further investigation which your presence may impede because you aren’t the origin of his behaviour.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I doubt that he is neurodivergent. Why do you think this re him?. Do not be so ready to attribute such to him.

The disconnect comes from him being highly dismissive (of you). That’s what they are picking up on. How does he treat and or behave around other people?. If he is all sweetness and light with them then this treatment of you is reserved for you and you alone. Abusers do not all lash out physically and emotional abuse is very real.

[Gallowayan]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What the other poster wrote. Good counsellors do not ever undertake any joint counselling sessions with an abuser and their chosen target.

And he is extremely unlikely to have individual therapy because he feels entitled to treat you like he does and feels he has done nothing wrong with regards to you.

There is not enough context in the OP for you to come to this conclusion or any conclusion.

[Chocolatewizard]

There's not enough here to say that he's abusive. The therapists might be seeing that, but it might also be that he's simply not engaging or able to open up in front of you on any meaningful or helpful way. Basically he's not "ready" for joint therapy and he needs some individual work to get him to a point where he can engage in counselling. I suspect he's never had counselling before? It sounds like a long journey to a relationship you'd want to be in OP so I guess you have to decide if you think it's worth it.

[Flapearedknave]

@Ohffsbarbara

They are seeing that he is abusive IMO. It is not recommended to have couples therapy with an abuser.

They are probably seeing right through him.

Absolutely this.

Leave him.