Managing anxious attachment - tips?

[FallenFigs]

Does anyone have any magic ways of managing when you are (probably) prone to anxious attachment?

In a relatively new relationship with a genuinely decent man (they do exist!). We both have DC, busy lives etc and only short windows of time to hang out and catch up. In my rational mind, if he is quiet for a bit I know he is busy with his kids or just busy with life. My anxious (irrational) mind gets whirring with all sorts of crazy thoughts. It’s quite intrusive and distracting, it distracts me at work, and in other aspects of my life.

has anyone successfully got hold of these sorts of thoughts, and if so how? I don’t want constant reassurance, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet with this.

hi,

i haven't managed to get rid of these kinds of thoughts as such, but i have managed to mitigate their impact on my relationships really significantly, and learn to sit with them rather than be overwhelmed by them.

for me what worked is psychotherapy - first on the deep stuff (early relationships and experiences that led to this - help with identifying the relational "script" that i kept playing out), which came quite easy, and then much more superficial/solution focused on what to do in the moments the feelings emerge. CBT can help with this (but not by itself) but actually i found that person-centred counselling worked for me as it gave a non-directive space just to work out and reflect on responses i'd had, which once noticed gave me some protection moving forward. (never got on with CBT...).

so it's hard work BUT i'd argue you've done the hardest bit which is becoming aware enough of all of this that you're noticing it and wanting to change. i think therapy could be very very effective for you :)

This is a really interesting reply, thank you. I think I know where it originates from, and definitely need some tools for dealing with it when it does arise. Wondering if mindfulness might help too (although I haven’t got on with it in the past)

@FallenFigs I have had exactly the same issues as you, on and off, over the last year. I know where mine come from. I had a huge loss early on in my life and then another last year, the combination of the two seem to have caused huge abandonment issues for me.

To deal with it, I made my world smaller and smaller to the point where it was just DP and me. Whilst it made me feel "safe", it also was an absolute nightmare as, if DP ever needed to do anything and go out unexpectedly, I instantly started panicking that he was leaving me and not coming back. I would hyperventilate the whole time he was gone until he got home. It was not good as you can imagine.

I have recently started seeing a psychotherapist, have started yoga and tried to get myself out of my little bubble a bit (meeting friends for dog walks, coffee etc, going out and doing my own thing rather than just staying at home and following DP round like a lost puppy!). I have also been meditating using the Insight Timer app and trying to stay present and in the moment when I feel my mind racing. It's getting a bit better and I am finding myself more and more confident in being outside my comfort zone but it's small steps and won't happen overnight.

Good luck x

Hi
Here are some things that have helped me recently:

• modelling what trust/ secure attachment looks like in a relationship e.g. trust that the person you are dating will speak up if they have doubts or concerns; trust that your feelings will be treated kindly.
• have a think about what one or two things would make a difference to your anxiety levels. For me, it was having consistent communication, and having a date in the diary for the next meet up.
• i also try to take things slowly, so date by date, step by step, making a decision aboit whether to see him again.

I am a big fan if mindfulness, but also journal a lot. Gives me a way of downloading all my thoughts without overwh@elming anyone. :)

I'm going through the exact same thing now but been with my partner 14+ yrs. Its horrible isn't it. I've found speaking to others in the same sort of situations to help. Also I've booked in to see a therapist next week hopefully that may help. Hope you figure it out

I think this advice re therapy etc is helpful.

I also think that there are times when a relationship doesn't work out simply because the two people involved need/want different things. So, you say "if he's gone quiet for a bit". If you mean a few hours and you've having anxious thoughts, you probably will benefit from working on yourself. If it's a few days, you might STILL benefit from work on yourself, but it might also be this isn't the relationship for you.

Accept that you need what you need, and find someone who happily gives it to you. That works for all attachment styles. Bending your emotions so that they fit in with someone else's schedule and needs isn't compatibility. If he triggers your attachment style, he's not for you.

It comes from within.

Once you believe,really believe, he's fucking lucky to have me, the anxiety falls away.

Day to day I'm not like this, nights out I'm great. Mention a night away from the house or not sleeping together in the same bed and I become anxious. I've had therapy, two lots, and the only to deal with it now is to try it, which makes me feel sick.
There should have been an opportunity coming up but it's not happening. And the anxiousness comes even if I would have to be away for a night. It gets me down tbh as we have a lovely marriage, it's so irrational and I want to feel normal about these things

A friend of mine was seeing a psychiatrist, and he would say to her “what evidence do you have?”
so when you don’t hear and your mind goes into overdrive you are filling in the gaps thinking the worse. I am anxious but I have learned through many many ways to distract myself and challenge what evidence I have to believe the worse! It’s helped me a lot. I’ve also managed a relationship where we were different countries and that was awful but I got used to it by not over thinking but I still do even now worry about all sorts
I don’t think you can change yourself totally but you can learn to self sooth and distract better

Oh he’s definitely not the cause. He is doing literally nothing to warrant it. It’s a great relationship.

Plus, I really don’t want to be the sort of person who needs constant reassurance.

It comes up with friends too, although to a lesser degree.

Therapy sounds like the way to go.

I could have written this myself. Fearful avoidant/disorganised attacher, lots of childhood trauma. Following lots of therapy, 5 months ago I left a 21 year relationships in which I had become extremely avoidant due to not feeling emotionally safe or validated.

Now very early days with fantastic new guy, positive, healthy communication all round, but the anxious attachment has hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I have feelings, if I express them I feel vulnerable and fear rejection, if I hold them in I feel inauthentic and avoidant. It has made me feel quite wobbly.

I know exactly what this is, I'm trying to be compassionate with myself and self-regulate and do my freaking out in private so as not to increase the intensity of things unnecessarily. But I am very surprised at how much it has impacted me, I thought that I had grown stronger than this.

I'm hoping this intensity is a temporary thing and I just need to get used to having romantic feelings again after so long. I'm focusing on self-care, so meditating, journaling, nature, being present and avoiding the negative scripts. But I'm really scared of self-sabotage.

Plus, I really don’t want to be the sort of person who needs constant reassurance

Here is your lack of self acceptance: you are who you are, and you need what you need. It's like saying 'I don't want to be the sort of person who hates sprouts', and then forces themselves to miserably eat them. If you need reassurance, you need reassurance. If you find a partner who understands that, it won't be an issue.

Does your partner understand? Or are you trying to be someone you're not, so that he doesn't know who you really are? And if that's what you're doing, how do you think that will help?

I've been where you are. Having found a partner who understands, I could no longer write what you've written, but all my life up until then I could have done, because I thought that I was faulty.

Hi AltheaVestr1t
I just wanted to say well done. It sounds like you have done (therapy) and are doing, all the right things, and have developed a great level of self awareness. You said that you feel scared but I think you can also take comfort that you are moving to better, healthier place.

Thank you @Rubyred3, yes, I am healing, I learn more and get stronger all the time. But it’s a slow, incremental journey.

New man is utterly wonderful, and sometimes I find the safety/consistency/attentiveness quite hard to wrap my head around. My system is frantically looking for the danger and coming up with nothing! Saying that, I am practicing acceptance of my feelings and working on my self care, and I think that maybe I am beginning to relax into it a little.

Take care of yourselves, everyone x

I'm similar to this as lack of comms makes me worry that I'm dull or new man will disappear on me. The reality is we are very happy together. He's also ND and seems to have had a lot of women falling over themselves at him in the past so this makes me extra anxious despite me being attractive and having my own set of exes. I'm taking on board the advice here!