What else can I do to get over this relationship?

[mrsmervin]

Broke up with ex dp about 7 months ago, he was cheating on me with the woman he is with now. We had been together 6 years and I was so in love with him. I thought we had a really good relationship - lots of laughs, good sex, similar outlook on life, similar upbringing and so on. Obviously I was wrong and the grass was greener for him elsewhere. I was completely heartbroken and blindsided by what happened, I had absolutely no idea and didn’t see it coming.

I cried and cried then after a few weeks I told myself I had to try and get on with life and move on from this man who did not love me the way I loved him and who treated me so badly. I started exercising more, spending time outdoors, seeing friends and family as much as I could. I started seeing a therapist and went to my GP who did blood tests and put me on HRT. i also blocked my ex on social media so I can’t see what he’s up to. I focused on things I enjoy like music and reading,journalling walking, gym, shopping. Despite all of this I am utterly miserable. I cry most days, I dread time alone, particularly at weekends as I feel so lonely. He creeps into my thoughts all the time even though I don’t want to think about him.

is there anything else I can do? This man does not deserve my tears, I don’t want to feel like this. I long for the day I don’t wake up thinking about him. Do I just need more time?

[Forfucksake84]

I know exactly the pain you feel. It has been 8 months for me and I was also blindsided and heartbroken. He didn't cheat on me but suddenly ended things because he couldn't see a future with my children (I was with him 2 years) and it was a total shock. The pain is unbearable. It's obviously not as raw as it was in the beginning but he's still on my mind a lot. I was also totally in love with him and feel like I will never meet someone else I feel the same way about. I have been generally low for months. My only advice is to keep plodding on and keeping busy in the hope that in time we eventually stop feeling so shit xx

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

I’m also chipping in to say you’re not alone. It’s utterly shit, I know he’s no good for me but the pain is real and I still want him back despite everything that’s happened 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Morewineplease10]

Yes, it will take more time. You're doing all of the right things and it's frustrating it takes longer than we'd like to heal but for some of us it just takes a while.

[mrsmervin]

Thanks everyone, I would love to see some light at the end of the tunnel! It makes me disappointed in myself that I am still missing him and thinking about him when he is such a prick! I preferred my life with him in it though. Now I am lonely and the future feels grey.

[mrsmervin]

Also, I’m sorry to hear that others are in the same situation. Heartbreak really is the worst feeling. Sending solidarity.

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s just take time.
sign up some dancing class or hobby class may help.
I would also resume dating scene.
but not need talking about ex in dates.
just enjoy being single! It has its fun moment that can’t do when in relationship!!

[LightSpeeds]

Yeah, I split with my ex 8 months ago (he ended it with me) and I didn't see it coming. We did have quite a few issues and it wasn't the first time we split up so you sound like you were much more in love than we were.

It is very difficult and I'm afraid that time really is the main key to recovery. It WILL get better, eventually.

I'm just looking forward to the time when I get to the end of a day and realise I haven't thought about him...

[LightSpeeds]

@mrsmervin

Thanks everyone, I would love to see some light at the end of the tunnel! It makes me disappointed in myself that I am still missing him and thinking about him when he is such a prick! I preferred my life with him in it though. Now I am lonely and the future feels grey.

This all points to the fact that you do still want to be in a relationship with someone (but maybe not him).

Maybe a few dates will help take your mind off things and also show you that there are still other (better?) men out there.

[mrsmervin]

@LightSpeeds

This all points to the fact that you do still want to be in a relationship with someone (but maybe not him).

Maybe a few dates will help take your mind off things and also show you that there are still other (better?) men out there.

I would like to be in another relationship at some stage, but online dating is such an awful experience that I am afraid it might just make me feel worse.

[Indifferentchickenwings]

Ah op

healing takes time and isn’t linear

you are doing all the right things

when I was young I bounced back faster, went away or met someone else

this isn’t so easier our age , we have to go cold Turkey

can you get a change of scenery , a holiday just some new experiences etc

[WishesPromised]

Write a list of all his faults - really go for it. Put it all down.

Refer to this list whenever you have a weak moment.

[Livinghappy]

I think recovery is much slower when you have been blindsided, which usually happens when there has been cheating especially if he has moved on without a care. It is however ok to mourn the loss of a relationship (rather than him) that you thought was forever.

There is also the process of creating a different routine in your life. Can you find one thing that you might prefer now than when with him? Ime, only time will help to fill up the hole that his sudden departure caused.

I also think being older makes you more realistic/ cynical about relationships so you will be more cautious. Is that a bad thing? He wasn't who you thought he was and I doubt he will get his happy ever after.

[mrsmervin]

@Livinghappy

I think recovery is much slower when you have been blindsided, which usually happens when there has been cheating especially if he has moved on without a care. It is however ok to mourn the loss of a relationship (rather than him) that you thought was forever.

There is also the process of creating a different routine in your life. Can you find one thing that you might prefer now than when with him? Ime, only time will help to fill up the hole that his sudden departure caused.

I also think being older makes you more realistic/ cynical about relationships so you will be more cautious. Is that a bad thing? He wasn't who you thought he was and I doubt he will get his happy ever after.

good point. When my marriage finally ended, years ago, it had been in slow decline for quite awhile so the actual break up didn’t really hurt me, I had already done my grieving for it. The total shock of this recent split has definitely made it harder.

@Indifferentchickenwings you are right that being at this stage of life also makes it harder. When I was younger I’d go to a party and find myself someone else, not so easy these days unfortunately!

I have children so can’t really go on holidays that easily but will have a think about a change if scenery.

thanks everyone, I’ll just have to hope time will be a healer.

[frozendaisy]

You get defiant.

It sounds like you have spent enough time thinking about him. He isn't thinking about you.

Try and not waste anymore time on him.

Have an evening entertainment mission.
Watch all best picture oscar films
Read each booker prize winning book
(If nothing else it might help when you are part of a quiz team)
Depends on how old the kids are but eat together, play a board game, discuss current affairs.

Get involved in a local project that you feel strongly about, collecting blankets for animal centres or helping clear walkways of litter.

He's just one cheating man. Nothing that special really.

You have one wild beautiful life. He's the past look forward.

[Indifferentchickenwings]

@mrsmervin

good point. When my marriage finally ended, years ago, it had been in slow decline for quite awhile so the actual break up didn’t really hurt me, I had already done my grieving for it. The total shock of this recent split has definitely made it harder.

@Indifferentchickenwings you are right that being at this stage of life also makes it harder. When I was younger I’d go to a party and find myself someone else, not so easy these days unfortunately!

I have children so can’t really go on holidays that easily but will have a think about a change if scenery.

thanks everyone, I’ll just have to hope time will be a healer.

Its a fuck ton harder ! We are going cold Turkey

and trust me going back on the apps could make you feel worse

when I was young I’d go travel , work abroad .
or id go out and meet someone new 🥰🤣

Now I’m festering at home as a LP pining for them

time and keep busy and make small fun plans
but also know this is human , normal and time is a healer
just a lot of time needed

[terfinthewild]

I know it's not always a popular opinion but I find that keeping perspective helps. Yes it hurts and you are right to feel pain but someone out there has been diagnosed with cancer today. Someone has buried their child. Someone has been told they can't conceive. Someone has been told they will lose their sight. You get the idea. I always find it helpful to think of how lucky I am compared to others when I'm feeling low. There's a billion people out there that would love to wake up with your problems. Just keep going and eventually it won't hurt so much.

[SoLuckyToHaveYou]

Six years is a long time to have been together, so in the first place give yourself permission to still be grieving.

OP I am the queen of failed relationships both long and short, and things that have helped me in the past have been to join a walking group (new social opportunities plus walking in itself helps in so many ways, mentally, spiritually, and physically). Have a look at cycling clubs. Some groups will accommodate slower cyclists and being able to cover some distance in a day really took me out of myself and they will usually stop for tea breaks/lunches at nice places. It is much safer than cycling the roads alone. I have joined evening classes after relationships have ended, and that has given me a new focus. Also, because I had the money, after a particularly, excoriating end to a relationship, I once booked myself onto a group singles holiday and had an amazing Safari . These things can be great reboots and help you to start looking ahead. Best of luck!

[Bewareofthisonetoo]

@Morewineplease10

Yes, it will take more time. You're doing all of the right things and it's frustrating it takes longer than we'd like to heal but for some of us it just takes a while.

This. I feel your pain. In my case it has taken a year to get to the point where I can go for whole hours without thinking about him -time has numbed the pain.

[Seaoftroubles]

It is just time l'm afraid OP. But you could perhaps start by feeling your anger at the shitty way you were treated and replace the sadness with anger. Tell yourself he doesnt deserve your sadness.
Something l used to do every time a thought of him popped into my head was to to imagine l was hitting it away with a bat as hard as l could. Don't listen to heartbreak music or 'your' songs/ films etc, we all have a tendancy to do that. You will get over it, soon those sad/angry feelings will start to decrease and finally become indifference. That's when you know you've recovered.