Language regarding abusive ex partner

[mynamechangemyrules]

A relation has penned an 'encouraging' missive to me regarding how it's time for me to 'put my foot down' regarding the ongoing behaviour of my abusive ex towards me and the children. They have used phrases including (in order but some context removed obviously);

'I see you give in to him
Obviously you find it less effort to let him carry on
You don't stand up to him
I imagine you won't stand up to him in future but will give in and cover it up
Your approach is not a sensible solution
If you are unable to tell him enough then I will'

Those excerpts are verbatim.

I'm utterly shocked. I thought people understood my situation. I thought they knew what 20 years of emotional and financial abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour meant. I scrumpled it up and binned it and have just retrieved it to re-read and see if I'd misread. I haven't. Just fucking amazed. They represent others in this letter and so obviously they've all had a little consultation and decided this entire fucking shit show of a life could be solved if I just put a little more effort in...

They whispered that they'd want to chat about what they'd written when they see me in the week. I don't want to see them. I want to not speak to them or engage with this at all but I wonder whether there's some research paper or something I could point them towards instead?

For some context- they are aware I am under the domestic violence support team and social services safeguard my children after repeated abusive behaviours towards them by my exH. They are aware we have been trapped in our home while he parks outside and stands in our pathway. They are aware of how we were homeless and had no money for a long time due to me finally trying to leave him. They are aware of everything which has happened and they think this.

[squaresncircles]

This won't be a great reply because I am completely worn out - sorry in advance - but I wanted to make sure someone replied. I understand, and you have my sympathy. People who have not experienced this have zero idea what it is like.

I hope you don't mind a bit of dark humour, but I'd probably sardonically suggest that they contribute financially rather than with advice, enough money for you to helicopter out of your house and to get to somewhere far away and very safe. With excellent schools.

[mynamechangemyrules]

Thank you for your lovely reply 💕
I've already helicoptered myself out (to a location with excellent schools 😂😂😂) and although they've been great support I have done this myself. I want to tell them all to fuck off

[socialdilemmawhattodo]

My family knows the years of court cases I went through. I was dealing with the other parent who wouldn't cooperate on anything at all. I overheard my mum tell our hairdresser recently that she wished I had met somebody who had more charm. I was speechless. I was loved bombed, not realising it was a red flag. There was plenty of charm in the 1st few years! But no recognition of the real issues.

[mynamechangemyrules]

I'd love any advice. I've cancelled seeing them today which should be nothing but is quite nuclear in our case. I feel I need to follow up with something fairly soon.

[LemonTT]

The thing is OP you have a far greater insight and understanding of this issue than your relative. Unfortunately this derives from lived experience and the hard work needed to escape and find yourself.

Your relative shows a base and ill informed knowledge and understanding to the point where it is quite sad for what it has about them and their values. To be fair it is one shared by a lot of people and made worse by social media, tv and celebrity culture. Where made up stories tell of victims finding inner “strength” and unending resources within a day or two before escaping to an ideal life with a thriving craft based career. In this world some white knight is on hand to see off the villain or a few harsh words from the victim will do the job.

Your relative probably thinks that confronting batshit and bullying is empowering. You know it isn’t. That it just feeds the abuser and escalates the situation. I get the hint that your relative identifies more with the abuser here and may see their behaviour as strong and yours as weak. I doubt they speak for others and few see any benefit in contradicting their opinion. Like you they have realised playing chess with a pigeon is futile.

The reality is the opposite. True strength and resilience comes from the ability to not give these people headroom. To not engage with their games and manipulations. The most common of which is to rile you to confrontation.

Like I said this person may not be as abusive as your ex but they exhibit and identify with the behaviour. You know the drill, stop giving them headspace. Their attitudes and behaviour are their problem and not yours to change. Either ignore or send a neutral response. Basically the I note and hear your opinion but my divorce is not your issue and I would ask you not to get involved. Give them a link to resources where they can learn.

[squaresncircles]

I think you would get more replies and advice in Relationships, by the way, there are quite a few posters with experience.

I misread your post as I thought that you were still in a position where your ex parks or stands outside your house, which indicates that he is not very stable - standing up to a person who is likely to try to kill you is not a great idea...!

I think you have 3 choices - if you think there is any possibility your relatives might eventually understand you could try to write down explanations of what your ex is like, again, and what he would do if you stood up to him and anything else relevant, what limitations you face and also find out if they have any other ideas and then address those and just keep doing this until they understand; if you think there is no possibility they will ever understand but you want to keep relationships with them, ignore their advice and tell them nicely they are wrong and don't fully understand but that you are getting support from professionals (if that is right) and then change the subject; if you don't want to keep up relationships with them, don't!

It is good they gave you support. It is difficult to understand if you haven't been through it. I think it is worth posting on Relationships as there is some great advice there from time to time. Good luck and congrats on having got away!

[Octavia64]

I did not have a letter.

But the three people I spoke to in person about my similar situation expressed similar views.

I was shocked by the first one, surprised by the second and by the third I was grimly expecting it.

I'm sorry. It's really shit.

[DawnMumsnet]

We're moving this thread to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

[DawnMumsnet]

... and giving it a bump to get it back into Active conversations

[Theunamedcat]

Hmm the only polite response I could send is

I'm sorry you feel that way however I cannot encourage nor condone you inserting yourself adversely into this situation I have always done my best within the law (I'm assuming this person thinks you can just cut off your ex from his children common misconception) and protect the children as best as I can

Maybe someone else can come up with more

[Thefutureisourownpath]

Ha.

My mother told me when I was 300 miles away from her and she never visited that she was supporting me. I never had a phone call, offer of childcare or anything. These are just sound bites.

I would just say you aren’t qualified to advise me I’m having support from a team that understand the implications of abuse on every single part of a persons life. You are either clueless, have no empathy or have no idea about how abuse works. Abusers target victims, they strip them of their self worth, finances, mental, emotional and physical health until the person they were doesn’t exist. If it was as easy as ‘putting my foot down’ or ‘drawing a boundary’ I would of sorted it out years ago - it’s like saying to someone who gets into the ring with a professional boxer having no boxing experience - and gets flattened that the next time you get in, you need to try harder. A professional boxer is always going to beat you. The only way to have a fighting chance is 1) disengage and try and different sport or 2) train hard every day with a coach for 10-15 years and even then you would be professional boxer against prof boxer. Do you not see it? Abusers don’t play by rules - they make the rules.

[canyouletthedogoutplease]

@mynamechangemyrules

I'd love any advice. I've cancelled seeing them today which should be nothing but is quite nuclear in our case. I feel I need to follow up with something fairly soon.

You don't have to reply until and only if, you want to, and if that's what's best for you.

If and when you're ready something like, I received the letter, I'll give that some thought.

would probably be all the response it deserves, and then proceed to give it precisely no thought, some serious arms length for the author and their contibutors is in order.

[mynamechangemyrules]

@Thefutureisourownpath

Ha.

My mother told me when I was 300 miles away from her and she never visited that she was supporting me. I never had a phone call, offer of childcare or anything. These are just sound bites.

I would just say you aren’t qualified to advise me I’m having support from a team that understand the implications of abuse on every single part of a persons life. You are either clueless, have no empathy or have no idea about how abuse works. Abusers target victims, they strip them of their self worth, finances, mental, emotional and physical health until the person they were doesn’t exist. If it was as easy as ‘putting my foot down’ or ‘drawing a boundary’ I would of sorted it out years ago - it’s like saying to someone who gets into the ring with a professional boxer having no boxing experience - and gets flattened that the next time you get in, you need to try harder. A professional boxer is always going to beat you. The only way to have a fighting chance is 1) disengage and try and different sport or 2) train hard every day with a coach for 10-15 years and even then you would be professional boxer against prof boxer. Do you not see it? Abusers don’t play by rules - they make the rules.

@Thefutureisourownpath the use of the boxing analogy is so good. I think I'm going to use that. And the rest of this actually. But not today! I've got one of those awful tired/ crying headaches and just need to get through work and kids dinners etc.

I won't see them now for a couple of weeks, I'll see the other members they represented in their letter but not them. Ignoring it for a while and then will deal.

[Catoo]

OP I think the best response is to completely ignore it and never acknowledge it. You don’t owe any follow up whatsoever. You didn’t ask for the cowardly letter and you have no need to reply or defend yourself to idiots who don’t understand.

Getting into toxic letter exchanges is to be avoided. Rise above. It’s good for your mental health and also will make the writer feel stupid. As they should.

I agree stay away from whoever wrote it for a while. Especially if they haven’t given any practical or financial help. Proper nasty not helping but putting the boot in.

If they ask if you got the letter you can either say
‘No! Why what was in it?’ And get them to say it to your face.
Or just laugh and say, ‘Oh yes. The poison pen letter kicking me when I’m down? Yes that went in the bin where it belonged’.
or a nice grey rock
’oh yes I think so. Can’t remember where I put it I’ve been so busy.’
or
‘yes I did thanks for asking ‘

Personally I’d never let on I got it ever.

Well done on your escape OP.
💐

[mynamechangemyrules]

Hello anyone who's not too bored of this saga- but another family has not sent a missive 😂
It tells me off for my poor treatment of the other letter writer (ignoring them/ not seeing them on their demand)

It re-states the case that I am 'an ostrich' and, essentially (although I know they would deny this) how it is MY weakness which is 'encouraging' my ex husband's coercive and abusive behaviour.

I feel now that I need to reply jointly to them.

I need to just just write FUCK OFF YOU HAVE NO IDEA but that's the general gist I want to give.. 😂

Mitigating factors;
My children will certainly be in contact with these people forever. I would like to be in superficial 'isn't it nice weather today' type contact with them, as mad as that sounds, because I value family and the contacts/ relationships that builds for my children.

Any further advice before I hone a reply with your previous tips included?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Do you feel these people are genuinely misinformed/uneducated but generally benevolent? Or has this behaviour revealed their true character as manipulative, critical and controlling people, whose treatment of you as a child may explain a lot about why you ended up in an abusive situation?

[mynamechangemyrules]

Genuinely benevolent, absolutely wonderful treatment and interactions until now. Hence it feeling like a massive fucking slap in the face!

[mynamechangemyrules]

Of the generation who could have minimised my treatment but always believed and supported me. One of them sent me details of coercive control before it became a criminal act and supported me to cite it.

[MzHz]

My love, you have come so far to get out of the hell you were in - BRAVA! Brava @mynamechangemyrules

What you have here now is a version of Flying Monkeys. They are to be grey rocked at all costs. they are not you, they are not important and actually NO, they DON'T have to be involved with your kids if you feel that they would be trying to bend their ears too.

Pull back. WAY WAY back and don't contact/see these people again. the more of them that come out from beneath the rock they are under the better. You can mentally cross them off your list of people you have in your life,

The ostrich statement is puzzling - you got yourself moved, you have the support of DV teams and legal teams, you KNOW what you are doing and that isall anyone needs to know. How do these people have any insight to anything you do?

Stop communicating with them. Seriously.

My family are a shit show. every last one of them knew about the awful ex i was saddled with. I was literally trapped abroad. I wanted to come back, for a break, they blocked it. My mother came out to see me for 10 days for a holiday. When she got back, not only did she tell everyone that she got sick while in the country with me, but that she came out to save me and bring me home.

I came home a YEAR after her holiday - as planned (because that was the best i could do alone AND, as I said, they cancelled/blocked my trip home in the meantime) she actively blocked any and all kinds of support for me, but at the same time sang like a little bird to all her 'friends' and anyone who'd listen about how much she did for me and how worried she was. All the while she'd ignore any texts from me for WEEKS.

I'm guessing these are YOUR family @mynamechangemyrules and let me tell you, the experiences we have growing up are what shape us. the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex didn't come from nowhere, the foundations are built by our family/upbringing. And look, instead of holding you tight and asking what they can do to help, they are forcing their opinions on you, insulting you and questioning your actions, while doing NOTHING in the way or real support or help.

I have NO contact with any of my family now, and my life is better for it. Sure it's shit for my DS that he has no wider family - but truth is, I don't trust them. they went out of their ways to hurt me/him in the past, that's it. bridges burnt, lessons learnt.

[MzHz]

so long post short - pull back, don't have any contact with these people for now, don't allow your kids to have contact with them. get som space in your life from them and don't see them until you are strong enough not to get sucked back in again, so that you can be superficial and talk about the weather. Grey Rock is what you aim for here, it takes time and effort to perfect it. Don't see them until you have managed to do so.

DO NOT REPLY TO LATEST MISSIVE. These people DON'T rule you.

Have you got a therapist to talk this shit through with? that i really helpful if you can.

[Catoo]

Do not reply.

Don’t be pulled into their stupidity.

Any reply will just create more drama which is what they want. And you’ll get more replies to your reply. Anything you say they will twist and use to prove you are ‘crazy’ etc.

Nip it in the bud by ignoring. Grey rock. No contact.

💐