How do I deal with this suddenly toxic friendship situation?

[EasternBlonde]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I could do with a bit of advice as I'm in a bit of a pickle of a situation and have no idea which course of action, if any, to take. Sorry, this might be a bit long.

Lisa and I have been friends since we were children (we're both 39 now), we fell out in our early 20s for several years and reconnected later and went back to being best friends.

Anyway, I have recently decided to move back to Europe after living in Asia for many years. Pandemic has been tough for me (like for everyone else). In a span of two years I got divorced, lost my job, had a horrible climbing accident that left me bedridden and unable to walk for 4 months (fully recovered now btw), so to say I needed a fresh start is an understatement.

Lisa has a house in a village in Greece and asked me to come and stay with her for several months or until I get a new job and decide which country to settle in. This arrangement was convenient for both of us, we both admitted we were feeling lonely (albeit for different reasons). She struggles financially so me moving in and helping her with the bills and the mortgage payments was also another plus (as she said she'd much rather have me there than rent a spare bedroom to a stranger).

I noticed things were off within the first week of arrival. I don't even know how to explain it, she's got a dog during the pandemic, as many people did. Over the past two years this dog became everything to her. She's treating him like a human baby and its clear its an emotional crutch of some sort and she's projecting her human needs onto him. I love dogs by the way, but she spends every waking hour talking to her dog, even when we're having a conversation she'll cut me off and start talking to the dog. Few times I was showing her a youtube video she took the phone from me so she could show the video to her dog etc.

This alone wouldn't prompt me to seek advice obviously, so another thing is her behavior towards me. For some reason she's become extremely overbearing and controlling, to the point of trying to dictate what i eat, how I cook etc. She's a heavy drinker and I've been trying to cut on booze and workout more. Several times I have asked her not to buy me wine because if I dont want to drink I prefer not to have bottles of my favorite wine in the fridge. She completely ignored my request and when I got more firm about it she got mad and said in that case she won't be bringing me anything from the store again.

I feel like majority of her responses or comments are extremely passive aggressive. Such as when I bought new laptop (old one was 7 years old and really on its last legs) shed say to her dog: "look Charlie, your auntie is rich, she shops and shops, we're poor, we can't afford to buy new gadgets on a whim". I mean I wouldn't say anything to that but I would feel guilty and like I had to explain my reasons for buying something, it has happened several times. Also making plans to go out, we agree to go out for a bite to eat and when the time comes I ask if shes ready and she'll say "I don't have to go anywhere, I can go if you want but I'm fine with not going". I mean this is how she answers all the time, even if she was the one to suggest we lets say go the museum in the afternoon. It leaves me so confused, does she not want to go? Am I forcing her? And when I ask can you just say what do you prefer the answer is always I dint care.

I'm also getting a lot of undermining comments from her, Im excited about getting a new job and I'm getting interviews and it looks like I'll be able to, hopefully, secure a good contract. But she will say things like: "are you sure you're capable of taking on such demanding role?", or she will say how I never worked in this or that country so I better prepare for disappointment. Honestly, this pisses me off so badly. I support my friends, I encourage them, I tell them they are gonna make it and I celebrate their successes.

And the final thing is badmouthing everyone, all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from being a saint, I do gossip sometimes. But she almost doesnt have any local friends and the ones she has are more of 'frenemies" where she'll go for dinner to their house and come back and say the food was gross. Or she'll talk about mutual people we know and criticize their every single life choice, their hairstyle, their furniture. It's a bit terrifying to be honest. The other day I casually mentioned that I'd find it draining to be spending my free time with people I dislike and she got very mad and shouted at me accusing me of always having an issue with people. I told her to calm down and said I wasn't having an issue with anyone and there was no need to attack me like that.

I can tell she's unhappy, and I can tell she's angry, and its ok, we all are sometimes during difficult periods of our life. And I know I can be a pain in the ass too. But I feel like she's trying to make me feel bad so she can feel better, and this is something I wouldn't do to a friend, especially a friend whos currently living in my house and cant really walk away.

Talking it out won't work, she's pretty closed off emotionally. And here's a thing, I can pack up my bags and leave tomorrow. But if I do, it will be unfair as I should give her at least a month notice so she can find a lodger (she needs rent money), it will also create a lot of drama. I normally have zero issues with cutting off toxic people but its a long long friendship. I'm not sure how to deal with it, maybe I should be more understanding, she wasn't always like that .

I'll be leaving next month definitely but until then I'm staying in a place with a friend who I feel drained by. I'm walking on eggshells and I'm somewhere in between of feeling sorry for her and feeling exasperated and I have no idea how to deal with this situation. Should I bare this torture for another 7 weeks or just go?

[pleasecallmeback]

I would leave, she sounds dreadful.

[Mamette]

Leave early. Just make up an excuse.

[shropshire11]

It sounds like a tough situation. Some people become more relaxed and wiser as they get older, and other people get weirder - often turned in on themselves by difficult experiences in life. It sounds like your friend is in the latter camp.

Living with someone always puts pressure on the relationship because you both see different sides to each other and spend a lot more time together.

it sounds like overall this has been a negative experience. My advice would be to give her a reasonable period of notice - say four weeks. Give her the rent up-front but be firm that issues back in the UK need your immediate attention and you need to relocate.

This gives you a month to get your act together and ideally move out before that deadline. If she has a problem with this, then just be clear that you need to move back for work.

I hope you get it resolved.

[Eyesopenwideawake]

If you can afford to pay her until the end of your notice period and rent/share somewhere else then do it; that way she can't (in theory) badmouth you.

She sounds very bitter and unhappy but it's not your job to 'fix' her. By all means suggest she might like to think about getting some help for her drinking when she's ready but that's about it.

[Harvestfestivalknickers]

Could you frame it that you sense she's unhappy with you staying with her and would it be easier if you moved out early? Get her to make the decision? That way you aren't the bad guy and you may be able to salvage the friendship when she's in a better place?

[Octavia64]

If you can afford it leave asap but pay her the notice anyway.

[AlisonDonut]

You know that you are one of her frenemies? She bad mouths you to them just as much as she bad mouths them to you.

If she was so worried about the rent then she wouldn't be such an absolute twat so if I were you I'd just go. Leave Charlie a note saying how you were sorry but it appears his mummy hates you so you are giving her what she seems to want.

[PerfectTravelTote]

Just go.

The longer you stay the less of a friendship there will be left to salvage.

I agree with the previous poster. If she's badmouthing everyone else she is also badmouthing you.

[usedtobeasizeten]

I’d be typing this from the airport….

[Lampslights]

Unless a financial issue, give her the money and go.

[EasternBlonde]

@AlisonDonut

You know that you are one of her frenemies? She bad mouths you to them just as much as she bad mouths them to you.

If she was so worried about the rent then she wouldn't be such an absolute twat so if I were you I'd just go. Leave Charlie a note saying how you were sorry but it appears his mummy hates you so you are giving her what she seems to want.

I know, even if not officially a frenemy I do realize I'm being badmouthed behind my back. I recently tried to remember when was the last time I heard her say something positive about anyone and couldn't.

[forrestgreen]

I think discussing any of this with her is a bad idea.
Give notice because you want to go visit x and y before you're tied down.
Leave early if you can afford this
Make many (secret) plans. If you share anything, it'll be denigrated.

[Lippincote]

Pay her for another month and leave now to avoid the drama.

[Lampslights]

What I don’t understand op is if you can go. And I assume give her at least some money to lodgings for the month, why are you not?

[Fannyfiggs]

Go now and take poor Charlie with you.

[Dostadning]

"look Charlie, your auntie is rich, she shops and shops, we're poor, we can't afford to buy new gadgets on a whim"

Jesus. She's talking to you through the dog.
That alone would be enough for me.

Leave Charlie a note saying how you were sorry but it appears his mummy hates you so you are giving her what she seems to want.

This. [chef's kiss]

[NosieRosie]

If you have enough to pay next months rent leave it in an envelope, on the table and get yourself away from there pronto!

If you don’t have enough now to pay the rent go anyway. What’s she gonna do about it?

[pikkumyy77]

Leave. Her behavior is awful and its going to get worse. Some friendships should stay long distance.

[ChaToilLeam]

Go, as soon as you can. She sounds awful and draining and undermining.

[pictoosh]

Life is too short to be around so much negative energy. Cut your losses and go.

[ivowtotheemybiscuittin]

I feel for Charlie. He can't get away from all this emotional dumping on him.

[Geebray]

Just step away and move out. Say you want to travel for a bit, or whatever.

[StockpotSoup]

Why did you fall out the first time, OP? In my experience, people don’t change unless they understand what they’ve been doing wrong and actively want to work on it. It sounds like she’s fallen back into old patterns.

[Newestname002]

@EasternBlonde

I'll be leaving next month definitely but until then I'm staying in a place with a friend who I feel drained by. I'm walking on eggshells and I'm somewhere in between of feeling sorry for her and feeling exasperated and I have no idea how to deal with this situation. Should I bare this torture for another 7 weeks or just go?

Where were you planning to move to OP? Is it definite you will have accommodation and/or a job in that location? In your place I'd secure the accommodation and, after you've done that, give your friend the heads up that you are moving (earlier than four weeks if possible and, if your finances permit, let her have four weeks rent).

Or if you can move sooner, give her, say, a week or two notice and give her rent for another week or so, so she's not left in the lurch financially (though in the same position when you moved in with her) but you don't have to spend more time in her home than is bearable for you. It's a compromise but at the end of the day you need to do what's right for you - and you'll need that mental energy in your job search/interviews/starting your new job.

Good luck for a happier future- you've had a lot to deal with in the past couple of years or so, so be gentle with your self. 🌹

[Hatty65]

@Dostadning

"look Charlie, your auntie is rich, she shops and shops, we're poor, we can't afford to buy new gadgets on a whim"

Jesus. She's talking to you through the dog.
That alone would be enough for me.

Leave Charlie a note saying how you were sorry but it appears his mummy hates you so you are giving her what she seems to want.

This. [chef's kiss]

Yes. Absolutely this!

I'd have lost my rag long before this, frankly. I'm blunt and would have said to her after a couple of these passive aggressive comments, 'Lisa - I'm happy to move out if you continue to make bitchy little remarks like that one. I can't be bothered at my age with people who are negative and whiny. Either grow up and act like a decent person or I'll leave. I'm not spending time with someone who behaves like you do - and I'm fucked if I'm paying for the privilege of being sniped at'.

(We would obviously have fallen out. I'm ok with that).