Couples Therapy Any Cop?

[Booboobedoo]

My DH and I have a beautiful nearly-one-year-old whom we both dearly love, but I'm not sure we love one another any more.

He shows me no affection unless I ask, and then it seems dutiful. He is very dutiful.

Every conversation we have seems to end in a blazing row, with both of us feeling more confused and angry afterwards.

We are starting couples therapy on Wednesday as a last-ditch attempt to save our marriage.

Anyone have any experience of couples therapy? Any success stories?

I feel a bit cheeky posting here, as I haven't really been MN-ing for ages, and so haven't paid into the MN Goodwill Bank, but I'd really appreciate some advice/stories if anyone's got a minute. (He'll be home in a sec, so probably won't be able to check this thread until tomorrow).

TIA.

[Nessamommy]

My husband and I went to couple's therapy a few years ago before we got married...we had just moved in with one another and there were a lot of arguments. It was the best thing we ever did! The therapist helped us both to see the other's point of view and helped us to communicate our needs better. I think it's a wonderful thing. I would like to keep going every here and there...as a maintenence for our relationship. People work so hard at their jobs..learning new things. Why do we not do this with our relationships?

[jellyrolly]

"They" say that having a child is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship. Even the best partnerships are tested.

I think it's impossible not to neglect your relationship when you are suddenly madly in love with your baby and also very very busy looking after them.

Can you find time to do anything together without your dc? Any outside interest you used to share?

The fact that you are both going to counselling shows you are willing to try. IMO, if it was all over, you wouldn't be going. Good luck. You sound like a lovely family.

[stirlingmum]

Me and dh are currently seeing a relationship counsellor and have found it really useful so far.
We are in a slightly different position as dh had an affair and we are trying to deal with that but the counselling is about the whole relationship not just that area.
I think it is good because it makes you sit down and discuss things that you might not normally discuss. See where each other is coming from, and going to!
Good Luck x

[Booboobedoo]

Thanks for all your replies. I feel so isolated at the moment (although I do have friends - honest) that it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

I just needed to feel some optimism, really, and you've given me that!

Thank you so much.

[Booboobedoo]

Nessamummy: glad it worked out so well for you!

Jellyrolly: it's great when we do get to go out together - we still have fun - but having a baby has thrown up a lot of issues for us both, I think, and we're imploding a bit. Thanks for being so sweet.

Stirlingmum: you sound very mature and tolerant. Hope you and DH can get past what he did.

(DS woke up, so had to go away and come back).

[stirlingmum]

Thanks Booboo - We are trying!

Feeling mature today - but tolerance may be running out!

[Booboobedoo]

Know that feeling, stirlingmum. (Except, possibly, for the mature bit).

Think if I discovered DH had been unfaithful at this point, it would probably be the last straw.

In fact, if it weren't for DS, I would probably have left by now.

I do love him (I think), but there are things about him I don't know if I can deal with for the rest of my life. Since DS was born he's become very controlling - especially over finances. Because he is now the main 'breadwinner' (hate that phrase) he seems to believe he should have right of veto over all purchases - as though my contribution to the household is somehow less than his.

I can't even buy a bloody tooth-brush mug without him complaining about how hard-up we are (we're not, by the way), then he'll announce he wants to buy a surf-board. FFS.

Anyway, I won't use this thread to list all the little things that make me want to throttle him. I'll save that for the counsellor .

Thanks again.

[stirlingmum]

Since our problems I have looked into what causes problems in relationships. Sometimes problems arise when a relationship becomes "unbalanced" - that is when you were equal in bringing in pay and then all that changes when one stops work to look after kids. It seems to alter the relationship and sometimes for the worst.
Truly hope the counselling will shed some light on why things aren't working for you.
Let us know

[Booboobedoo]

'Unbalanced' sounds about right.

Well, we went and met the counsellor last night. She had a very good manner, and we came out feeling pretty good as she got us to talk about what we liked about one another when we met.

Decided on fortnightly sessions, so I'll let you know what happens.

Thanks for taking an interest!

[stirlingmum]

Well done Booboo! Hopefully those sessions will really help.
I truly hope so

[Booboobedoo]

Just an update for those of you who were kind enough to post before.

DH and I had five counselling sessions, and have got our Happiness back. It feels almost miraculous!

I love my family life, and we've decided to try for another baby.

Life is good.

(Except for the credit crunch/Ethiopian famine etc., obviously).