Any advice (bit long, sorry)?

[MattysMum]

Haven't posted on here before, but would be very grateful for some advice as I cannot see the wood for the trees any more.

Am divorced, so is DP - he has two children, aged 11 and 12. I am first time mum to 3 month old son and moved 200 miles to DP's house a month before son born, having sold own house and now resigned from relatively well paid/responsible job. Have decent amount of savings, but will have no income once have worked notice by February(working at home to 'repay' maternity pay)as plan is to be a SAHM for a good while (we can just about afford this). I'm 41.

Neither of us want to get married (both had horrible divorces) but I am concerned about my and my son's future security and know that getting married is the only way to ensure this (up to a point). DP doesn't want to put my name on his house deeds as says this would be tantamount to giving me £70k (house has increased in value by huge amount since he bought it) and I can understand this. However, if we did split up (we have an eight year on-off relationship although it feels very solid at the moment and we're both determined to make it work) I think I would be stuffed basically. I know he would have to pay maintenance for son, but I would be in a very difficult/vulnerable position, surely ?

His ex-wife got a lot of money from him (he basically bought her a house and she hasn't had to work up until now - is now looking for something part time) and I guess he's scared of the same thing happening again.

Also, DP's will says that if he falls under a bus and then his ex-wife does too, his two best friends will look after children. This cannot apply to our son as I want my brother to look after him should, God forbid, it be necessary. He says he's going to make provision for me in his will re the house, so that's OK, but how do we get around the issue of who would look after son ? My brother lives in the north, his friends and two other children are in the south.

Am I fussing about nothing ? Should I put these feelings of vulnerability to one side and just concentrate on making my new family work or should I push for more security ? I have supported myself for 20 years and am feeling insecure about being a SAHM mum anyway, although I really want to do it. Sometimes I want to push to get married and sometimes the idea horrifies me after the last fiasco, so I am not helping myself much either.

Any advice very gratefully received (am very happy to be told to shut up and stop moaning) and apologies for all this wittering !

thank you.

[bigbananaflambe]

bumping this message up until someone who has some useful thoughts can advise you...

[littledonkeyrach]

Can't help with much, but DH has 2 children from prev, in his will, if he were to die after me, our DDs will go to my sister.

WRT house, not sure what would happen if he were to die, unmarried. Maybe split between all his children? Again, in DH will, I get the house, if I am already dead, our DDs get it. His other 2 have a life policy in their names that they will get. I am a SAHM, do not contribute financially, but still work at home by looking after house and children.

Not sure if this is helpful, it always worried me until we got married and amended our wills, still worries me a little, but only in moments of worry, IYSWIM!!!

[aloha]

You can certainly put the house in both names but in unequal shares, so the 70K equity remains with your dh - any solicitor can do this. I think it is essential that you do. What has happened to the profits from the home you sold? The alternative is to pay the same amount off the mortagage at the same time as putting the house into joint names. You can also draw up guardianship plans for your children - you certainly don't have to make the same plans for all the children (and of course, you aren't all going to die!). I think you are 100% right to address these issues, and also to keep your options open. After a year or so of being a SAHM you might want to get back to working full or part time or starting a business from home. Nothing is forever if you don't want it to be. I would find it pretty hard not to have my own money and would feel quite vulnerable and I am married, so I think your feelings are both natural and normal. You are right in that as an unmarried partner you won't be entitled to personal maintenance if you split up, but he will have to pay for your son, and IMO you should sort out some security re a roof over your head. Maybe even invest the profits from your old house in property to rent if you partner is unwilling to put the house in joint names even in unequal share. What maternity pay are you repaying? Are you sure you have to do this? Also are you working now, with a three month old baby? That doesn't sound very good!

[pinkmama]

I don't have any useful advice, but wanted to say I don't think you are wittering and moaning. I became a SAHM after my 2nd child and i did feel very vulneralbe despite being in a stable marriage. There have been an awful lot of changes in your life in short succession, so I think how you are feeling is perfectly rational. Unfortunately I now have no advice as to how to progress. Hope someone does!

[MattysMum]

Thank you for your advice and for reassuring me that I do need to get this sorted.

I have reached an agreement with my previous employers that, instead of returning to work for three months (as required by their maternity leave scheme), I can work at home, part-time for that period - so have been doing some proof-reading, wrote a report etc etc - it's not been too bad as done it when DS is asleep - am knackered though!

Profits from my house sale are in savings so I guess I could put this towards reducing the mortgage on DP's house, but then I'd have virtually no money to my name and would be dependent on DP - that's what's doing my head in !

[MattysMum]

Thanks again for reassurance. I feel really daft because I should be celebrating everything that is positive about my new life, but I do also feel very vulnerable every now and then (well, quite a lot, if I'm honest !).

[aloha]

You should listen to your feelings IMO. They are there for a reason. What would he say to putting the house in joint names but unequal shares? Also, how do you plan to organise your money when you have no income of your own? I would say that a joint account with all the money in it is the only answer, personally. I hope you don't intend to live on your savings! Not at all a good idea - that would really make you very vulnerable indeed.
I don't really understand your maternity scheme - do they normally ask people to repay money if they don't come back to work? Also, how much time did you have as paid leave if you are already working when your baby is just three months old?

[MattysMum]

DP has said will pay for virtually everything when I no longer earn, but am dreading having to ask for money for mascara etc (!) so yes, need joint account.

I took three weeks' leave before DS arrived (to move and settle in at DP's etc). Maternity scheme is the employer's one, not the statutory one, so have to 'return to work' for three months or pay back what they've paid me over and above the statutory pay. I think they've been very good to me because I don't physically have to go back to work and am only part-time, but I'll be dead on my feet by Christmas !

[coppertop]

I would definitely go for a joint account. It would be even better if you worked out a proper budget in advance. That way you both know where you stand with regards to personal spending. Resentment will build up if one is consistently taking more from the account than the other.

[FestiveFrex]

Whilst I understand your reluctance to get married due to previous bad experiences, as an unmarried couple you are in a less secure position. A married couple has a duty to support each other, even after divorce, so a wife/husband can apply for maintenance for themselves as well as any children. The same is not true of an unmarried couple. So although your dp would have a duty to help maintain your ds, he would not have any similar duty with regard to you.

It strikes me that your dp has a very negative view of your relationship if he is anticipating "giving" you £70K by putting the house in joint names.

Perhaps the best thing is to sit down with him and let him know how vulnerable you feel and see if you can come to some sort of compromise.

[IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday]

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[beansontoast]

congratulations on the baby xx
i remember those feelings only too well[no patronising face to accompany that!!].you have done so much recently and all those changes to your life..im surprised you are so lucid!!.from my experience,im afraid the only advice i have is to be careful how you communicate your feelings of vulnerability,cos you may make your partner feel insecure/doubt your commitment and then he'll be guarding his money,making you feel insecure and so it goes on...
its so hard not to worry when you have a little baby,are so tired and are spending more time on your own than ever before...so dont think that you are moaning or wittering on.
good luck x

[aloha]

Twig, I would only advise investing the money in teh house if there was a legal agreement putting it in joint names so it could be got out again. But the house could still be in joint names but in unequal shares to take account of the 70K. I can understand his reluctance to 'give' the 70K given his bad previous experience - but I do think Mattysmum needs to protect her interests as well. Depending on how much the profit from the old house is, get some investment advice to maximise your return on it, or maybe considering buying a property to rent to get some independent income, no matter how little.

[IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday]

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[Blu]

MattysMum, I think you are spot on to want to ensure your ongoing security, and should have no more hesitation in doing so than your DP has in explaining his position over the house. My DP and I have a covenant on our house which sets out the proportion we both invested and therefore own - there are 3 portions, my portion, PD's and the mortgaged poetion which we have 50% share in as we pay equal shares of the mortgage. You could either invest in the house with your capital, and then have a similiar covenant drawn up - ensuring that any remaining mortgaged share is jointly owned as you are now the SAHM of his child.

Have you enough capital to put into a second property on a buy-to-let mortgage, for e.g? I would guess that your money would be safer in property in case you did ever need to have your own house again.

RE joint and sole accounts, DP and I have a joint account out of which we pay everything for the house, bills, food and DS and joint activities like hols, meals out. The we both hang on to whatever else is left from our salaries. Could you agree that everything you and DP need for your joint expenses goes into a joint acc, and then you each have 50% for your own spending?

IMO, especailly if you have been used to being independent, if you get the money sorted in a fair and frank way, the rest of your relationship will thrive better.

Congratulations, and enjoy Matt!

[MattysMum]

Thank you very much for all these replies, your good advice and kind words. Can't type much more because there's a wriggly bundle on my knee, but I'm very grateful. thanks again.