Bit of a head scratcher

[JackN]

Full disclosure first, I’m a man not a mum. Not sure if I’m allowed on here (fine if not) but thought it worth a shot.

My question is about my wife and my relationship. I wanted to ask other women if my wife’s behaviour is normal enough not to be concerned. Married 5 years. She’s a brilliant mum. We’ve got one toddler. Our relationship is okay, I think. I’m not that sure because my wife is not very communicative or expressive so it’s been quite difficult to know if she’s happy or sad over the years. I’m the opposite.

In the past I’ve asked if we can discuss some relationship or communication issues. On the few occasions she agrees she will listen to my comments the usually postpone the conversation (indefinitely) by asking we talk about later (never to get raised again). So I’m often confused by certain situations or behaviours but can’t get any insight.

Most recent example of something I found confusing: we had an argument some weeks back and we didn’t kiss goodnight for a couple of nights. The conflict resolved a day or so later. My wife was working late (from home) for the next week and so (I don’t know why) I just said goodnight and went to bed each night. And then, given the seemingly avoidant history of my wife, I became curious whether she would say anything if I just kept only saying goodnight without a kiss (out of the ordinary for our relationship). It’s week 8, not a word. Every night I say goodnight, she says goodnight and that’s it. We’ve kissed goodnight every night for 5 years. Lol, it stops and still not a word. Everything else in our life/relationship is just the same/“normal”. So I’m scratching my head again trying not to overthink it. But, I’ve end up here hoping for some insight/advice.

Thanks for your time.

[Hollyhocksandlarkspur]

It sounds very tricky to have open communication in your relationship if your wife won’t engage and puts off time to talk to you about it. I can see how that would be immensely confusing. Do you spend much time together doing things you both like and relaxing or are you both flat our working? I think if you could share some happy times together when you both feel more relaxed she might open up more if you can both discuss things without being accusing and are trying to achieve the same goals. Did she used to be more open or always reserved? Hope you can sort this out OK.

[lopsey]

I'm a bit like this but that is to do with my confidence. If my husband suddenly stopped kissing me goodnight then I would be thinking that he doesn't want to kiss me anymore and would probably just feel sad about it but not say anything because I know I would be heartbroken if he actually said that he just doesn't want to kiss me anymore.
I don't talk about how I'm feeling or what I think is wrong in our relationship because I don't have the confidence to say it out loud. Could you maybe just start showing her some more love and see how she responds?

[JackN]

Thanks everyone for the honest feedback. I appreciate this insight and can see some points I need to reflect on.

[Justmuddlingalong]

If you'd rather prove a point, to the detriment of a possibly already shaky marriage, crack on. If your relationship is important, break the ice by kissing her goodnight and take the resolving of the other issues from there.

[Watchkeys]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You're having to find out how she feels by conducting tests and experiments. You're trying to figure out if she's 'normal' or if you need to worry, rather than basing the success of your relationship on how happy you are.

Do you feel close to her? Do you care whether you do or not? Do you feel you know her, deep down, and that she wants you to know her? Do you feel she knows you?

It sounds like you're not very happy, but if it's declared 'normal' by some strangers, you'll just accept it. That's not how life works.

[B1rd]

You're testing her....and she's testing you. You're both being stubborn and maybe you should crack, kiss her tonight and stop this nonsense.

[xJoy]

Ah, the conflict is resolved.

but can you see how from her point of view, even raising an issue to be resolved hopefully results in a lack of affection going forward. Is she supposed to think that the cost of raising an issue is that it kills the underlying affection? ykwim, she raised the issue, it's resolved now after an argument but the cost is that it's taken a piece of the warmth and affection between you.

[xJoy]

It sounds sad, even if it was only out of habit, you used to kiss goodnight, and now you've created a new habit where you don't bother.

What was the argument about? Was it something important (to her).
Is there an issue still unresolved here?

[Isheabastard]

Have I got this right, after a couple of times of not doing the goodnight kiss, you decided you would test your wife by not doing it. (I’m assuming the goodnight kiss is instigated by whoever is first to bed, which is why you mentioned the fact she was working from home late) and you were the one going to bed first?

So you instigated the continuance of not doing the good night kiss,you don’t talk about it or mention it. Yet somehow it’s your wife at fault for not instigating it instead it or talking about it?

Do you often test your wife like this? This is not normal behaviour on your part. This may in fact be why she doesn’t communicate with you.

Please take a very long hard look at your own behaviour first before complaining about your wife’s.