Can I actually get divorced

divorceornot · 2022-10-18 18:18:50

DH and I have been in crisis for a long time - since the birth of our first daughter (who has just turned 6) and in a dysfunctional dynamic (him emotionally unavailable and withdrawn, me leaning in to fix everything) for probably the whole of our 17 year relationship. Won’t go into the details but past 3-4 years he’s been worse and worse behaved - nasty, borderline EA, and more recently actively punishing me for his own insecurities. I’ve retaliated with my own bad behaviour, principally cheating on him two occasions in the past year (with the same man - no sex but very intense, the only times I think I’ve been truly happy in years). He discovered the cheating, everything blew up and he went crazy (properly crazy, threatened physical violence against me & the OM, smashed stuff up etc). I flipped out at his reaction and now suddenly…I don’t feel anything at all. And he is now desperate for us to stay together and telling me he understands his own role in our bad dynamic and wants to change. But when I look at him I just feel - nothing. He’s writing me long letters about how we get back on track and it’s like reading a novel or something. Nothing to do with me. The idea of ever kissing him, being affectionate, being with him just seems like a foreign land. BUT we have 2 kids, shouldn’t I be trying to repair? How can I get some feelings, any feelings back? or do I just accept it’s broken and start divorce proceedings? Has this happened to anyone else? I feel like I’m going mad.

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