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Co parenting with abuser
4

Blossomstrong · 28/06/2022 11:36

I've nc but have posted on the past. I was with dp who sexually assaulted me 3 times. After the third most recent time I decided enough was enough and no amount of counselling was going to change this man. I lived with dp and his family who are very overbearing over me and dc who is 12 months old. I threw dc in my car after dps parents told me I had "issues" and didn't want to hear the fact that their son had violated me in their home. I ended up at my dms house and have been living in a state of blind sighted daze ever since. It's not been that long at all.

Thing is how do I work out Co parenting moving forward? I was just watching a YouTube mummy who I followed during my own pregnancy and she had broken up with her dcs dad. She has such a mature and inspiring Co parenting relationship. By all means I'm under no delusion that it didn't have its own hardships but I really can't foresee this happening with me and dp.

The things he and his family have done have really hurt me and all during this period of me being away his parents have been trying to contact me saying I'm keeping my dc from them and they deserve to have him. They always felt very entitled to him and when I left told me I couldn't "take dc" as if I was stealing my own son! There is so much resentment and animosity in amongst my feelings towards them and the situation. Dp isn't handling himself well (never does) so it doesn't equate to a happy healthy Co parenting experience.

I've respectfully asked that dp and his family give me and ds both breathing time and space whilst we go through this massive transition of lifestyle. Dp is more than welcome to see ds whenever but I'm not having his family force themselves upon me and place their needs selfishly before us.

Is it just one of those things that time will heal? Right now as I said I'm allowing dp to come over and see ds. I spoke to DA hotline who said as long as I don't think dp poses a threat to ds he is okay to see him and of course the court would recognise that. I felt like it was abit of a silly thing asking me if I felt like he is okay to be alone with ds as I've also been on the receiving end of his temper and he slams doors and hits walls. I thought dp would never hurt me like this, someone he is meant to love, so how can I trust that his love for dc will be any different and mean they won't be subject to being hurt by him in a different way.

I don't want to let me emotions make me biased on the situation. At the end of the day I want to do what's best by ds and ds does love his daddy. Dp works ft and I don't so I am ds primary carer. So, given all this information how should I go back proceeding with Co parenting? What would you do? My brain is too frazzled to even contemplate it at the moment so advice is greatly welcome

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bluebells34 · 28/06/2022 12:20

Having been in a very abusive relationship I had no alternative but to gain a very specific court order as the control and bullying continued after I left and my daughter was caught in the middle
Co parenting and communicating with the father of your child is always the best for the innocent child but sadly not always possible.

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Blossomstrong · 28/06/2022 15:56

I'm hoping not to take the court route if possible

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Levithecat · 28/06/2022 17:03

I coparent with an emotionally abusive and chaotic man (alcoholic). The way I’ve found to cope is:

  • try to keep most comms on email
be clear, factual, keep things simple and don’t talk about feelings. Look up ‘grey rock’. Even if my ex sends me an aggressive / over emotional email I just focus on facts and am polite but never get drawn into things.
  • Limit physical contact. don’t let him in your house. Keep very clear boundaries and get help working out what those are for you (I have therapy and go to Al-anon)
  • if that is all too tricky, try an app like OurFamilyWizard (all is court admissible)

if there are safeguarding concens that trumps his parental responsibility. You can limit access on this basis (speak with a solicitor). For example, my ex H has the kids solo but not overnight unless he is ‘supported’ and will need clear hair testing before he can have them overnight alone. You’ll need to get the abuse on record, eg GP or domestic abuse service via your local authority.

I really have to swallow my feelings and keep laser focused on the kids’ well-being. You’ll need to do this too (it’s what would matter if you ever end up in court, and of course is just the right thing to do).

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Justmeandme19 · 28/06/2022 20:13

Set really firm boundaries and don't get court up in any drama.
Think of your relationship with him as a business relationship, respectful but not personal. Make communication minimum and don't get involved with his family, that's his responsibility.

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