Guilt at husband's unhappiness at my unhappiness

[VikingHelmet]

Long story short - I am very unhappy in my marriage and have, privately, come to the conclusion it is over. Largely due to my husband's behaviour over the years, I don't love or respect him and if we didn't have kids I would walk out right now and cheerfully never see him again.

I told him months ago I was very unhappy, and since then he's trying hard to be a good husband. This 180 degree change would be almost comical if it weren't tragic, but I don't believe a person can really change who they are deep down, and I don't like who he is deep down.

He looks at me like I am kicking a puppy when I don't respond warmly to him. I feel the guilt grinding me down, tempting me to retreat back into the lie of pretending everything is fine.

I understand that he is trying to save his marriage , but I believe he is only being nice because my open unhappiness impinges on him, does this make any sense?

He 's never bothered to consider my feelings before, he's spent 10 years putting himself first in all situations (and I let him). Has anyone else been in this situation, how did you stop the guilt from eating away at your resolve?

Sorry, I feel like I've posted quite a few threads on my situation but I appreciate the support available on here.

[NiqueNique]

I don’t think you need to feel guilty. I’m sure he’s had many chances over the years to make some of the changes that could have fixed things, but as you say, very few people can actually change and you already know who he is deep down.

Keep strong, keep focused. Think about the ways in which life will be better for you and also better for your children - you have a responsibility to model good, healthy relationships.

[NiqueNique]

I actually did feel very guilty when I ended my first marriage - because he wasn’t a bad guy at all and we didn’t have a bad marriage. But I knew for certain that it wasn’t right for me; I had agonised for several years until I made the decision that actually, my first responsibility was to myself, and that it wasn’t right for me to be so deeply unhappy. But it felt absolutely awful to make him so unhappy when essentially, he hadn’t done anything wrong. However my children needed a happy mother, and I also wanted it for myself. I knew, too, that my husband deserved to be with someone who really felt something for him and who wanted to be with him. I still felt awful guilt for a few years. But I really don’t think you should let guilt stop you in your circumstances.

[sleepymum50]

I have/am going through this. We have decided to separate. It’s for the same reasons. He has always put himself first, and made me feel bad when I tried to tell him.

I told him I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. He said no. Unlike your husband he hasn’t tried to fix things. He told me he had been a good husband and he didn’t want this. He has tried hard to make me feel guilty, which has been my natural state in this marriage.

However, I have been seeing a therapist. This has made the difference like between night and day. I am moving from guilt to anger. I now look back on past events and see how controlling and entitled he was and is.

Perhaps your husbands current behaviour is just another form of controlling you.
I have always tried to be fair and just in my behaviour towards him even when it wasn’t reciprocated. Last week my therapist kept saying to me “what do YOU want”

I’m now finally getting to the point where I don’t care how he feels, and I don’t even care if I’m the one behaving unreasonably (abit).

[altmember]

As you've already made up your mind with certainty, it's highly unfair to keep stringing him along like this. And now you're feeling guilty (as you should be) because he's trying to save it when you've decided it's a lost cause. Do the honourable thing, tell him there's no way back, and end it now. Carrying on as you are is just stealing time and happiness from the both of you.

[VikingHelmet]

A brutal but maybe fair comment from a PP - I know I need to tell him but I am picking my moment when I feel calm and strong, as he can be a bully who shouts me down (or alternatively he will dissolve into tears and beg, I'm not sure which prospect I dread more)

@sleepymum50 so much of your post resonates with me, especially "I have always tried to be fair and just in my behaviour towards him even when it wasn’t reciprocated". That almost makes me feel more guilty weirdly, as if it's my fault for not making it clear enough to him that his behaviour was unacceptable and was driving me away. Written down I can see how insane that is, but that's how I feel sometimes! My husband is very very controlling and entitled

I hope you are doing ok. I too have just started with a therapist, time will tell how much I get out if it but I think it can't make things worse.