Is it possible to be friends?

[geordie]

Hi everyone,

having a bit of friendship problems at the mo!

I have a dear friend who is great most of the time but at the moment i just can't bear being around her. She works ft with a ds about to start school and I have 11 mo old.

I find that she constantly devalues the choice I have made to be at home with my ds by talking about getting back to work when i can cope better etc etc. Ultimately I feel like I have let her down by not being like her. SHe also makes me feel a bit like I am odd and the exception to the norm (norm = work) and have therefore let the 'side' down. The only reason i stopped work was because personally I want to be with ds while he is growing and changing so fast. I fully intend to work later on but not for now. I can cope with work- if I wanted to- but I am just not like her. for her it is better that she works- that's just who she is, I totally respect her choice and do not say anything to undermine her choice (i.e. I affirm every time possible that she is doing the right thing for her family!).

Although in my head I too know I am making the right choice..I feel very low atm- like I am not doing something worth while.

I know that our friendship will change- it's bound too but at the moment I am avoiding too much time together etc.....

any comments ideas anyone- ??

ps- this is not to be a slanging match..it's a guenuine dilema.

Hi geordie - this is a tricky one. Maybe your friend actually envys you being able to stay at home with your ds? I know that with dd I had to go back to work for financial reasons and maybe overplayed the fact that I was doing the right thing to convince myself that I was! I would have loved to stay at home and therefore tried to convince myself that the very good friend I had who was a SAHM was worse off for not working. However I didn't ever voice these opinions to her. You must try not to get upset about this (I know - easier said than done) - as long as you are happy with your decision, and you obviously are, then it should be immaterial what anyone else thinks. Perhaps it might be worth trying to bring the subject up gently with her and explain ( as you have here) that everyone is different and you feel that she is being critical of your choice. She is probably totally unaware of how upset you are over this, however if she is a good friend you ought to be able to talk openly about it. Good luck

thanks Bonym,

have been thinking about approaching her about it...will have to if she carries on the way she has been!

btw- we earnt the same amount (when i was wking) and her dh earns at least %30 more than mine. She constantly complains about lack of money (what!!! although has far more than we do!) but basically need to work for herself- much more career orientated than me...and needs the time and space away from her ds.

As for feeling jealous- I think she might have wavered about not being good at being a mum etc etc but everyone keeps affirming how she is doing the best thing for her!

hi geordie - i think that what people say actually tells you a lot more about them than about you iykwim

in this case it sounds like your friend is still trying to justify her decision to herself and is probably not at all aware of the impact on you of what she's saying. if you have a friendship where it's possible then i think it would help for you to gently explain how what she is saying makes you feel.

ime there is no 'right' decision but as long as we make the one we feel is right for us at the time then hopefully we should have some peace of mind.

just read that back - 'peace of mind' - who am I kidding? I worry constantly about whether I'm doing the right thing for DS, DH, me...oh well!

I think bonym may be right - my first thought when I read your opening comment was 'she is jealous' or 'she is insecure in her own choice' so she has to demean yours IYSWIM....it isn't nice to do, but often if we aren't convinced we are right we show it by attacking the other view point.
As to how to handle it...hum....I think I would tactfully try to say that you don't want to talk about when/if you are going back to work. If she says 'When are you going back?' try to smail sweetly and say 'Why do you want to know?'.....
BTW you are doing absolutely nothing wrong and have let no one down - its her problem, not yours.

smail??? smile!¬

It sounds like she is 'thinking out loud' rather than trying to criticise you. I don't think many of us truly think about everything we say and its impact on others, so she probably has very little idea she is winding you up. If she says something that winds you up again, then be on the alert and say something - at least it would get the debate out in the open.

i am in a similar situation of fairly undisguised disapproval from my sis...it eats away at all my confidence even though i know rationally that i wouldnt want things anyother way.
perhaps your friend doesnt realise that when you constantly affirm her choices what you really want is her to do the same.let her know.
[im in the process of trying to follow my own advice...and im hopeless!!]