TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.

[Dogladyxo]

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

[ineedsun]

I can see that you’re getting counselling, you don’t say what sort but it sounds like you might benefit from some support with emotional regulation- your tendency to knee jerk in response to situations seems to be at the heart of all this so perhaps if you learned to stop and step back you could change the consequences?

[ClaudiaJ1]

@Hadjab

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? confused She needed them. Where were they for her? I would much rather be OP's friend than friend of bitch A and bitch B. I guess your definitions of 'shoddy' and 'friends' are completely different and polar opposite to mine. confused hmm

Have you read all of OP’s updates? She herself had admitted they were supportive towards her until she went MIA, sent two facetious texts the next morning and effectively prevented them from going, as only her girlfriend had the appropriate tyres, and her GF did not confirm that she’d be willing to go with them. The blame lies squarely with OP - you can’t fuck people over like that and expect them to not be pissed off.

Yes I have. She was offline overnight, GF told them she would speak to them tomorrow, and when she woke up the next day she was greeted with an essay of abuse and other texts of abuse. So she then reacted snarky back. OP and A made up, they were both going, but trouble-maker B got into A's ear and destroyed the truce they had.

The blame lies squarely on A and B, I would argue more so B. Not the OP. Read the thread again.

[Yuledo]

If you’ve refunded them, then hopefully friend A at least will come round in time.
Send a note, and maybe flowers, and apologise sincerely again in writing. Say you weren’t in a great place and not acting rationally. Then it’s up to them.

[TarasCrazyTiara]

Honestly is this just a one of or has you mental health made you do things that could be considered inconsiderate or being a bad friend before?
Yes it’s you who are in the wrong but if this is an ongoing thing it may just be the last straw for them dealing with it.

[Hadjab]

Wow..... What about the shoddy way those 2 nasty 'friends' treated her? confused She needed them. Where were they for her? I would much rather be OP's friend than friend of bitch A and bitch B. I guess your definitions of 'shoddy' and 'friends' are completely different and polar opposite to mine. confused hmm

Have you read all of OP’s updates? She herself had admitted they were supportive towards her until she went MIA, sent two facetious texts the next morning and effectively prevented them from going, as only her girlfriend had the appropriate tyres, and her GF did not confirm that she’d be willing to go with them. The blame lies squarely with OP - you can’t fuck people over like that and expect them to not be pissed off.

[eggandchips33]

It's disgraceful, you can almost sense the glee they're getting from kicking someone when they're down.

Shameful behaviour.

[Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis]

I think you've taken what you can from this thread now OP and it might be a good time to step away. You've reflected on the situation and yourself. To protect your mental health I would step away from the thread now due to the posters that are hell bent on sticking the boot in.

[ClaudiaJ1]

Actually I don't even think the vipers on AIBU would be this cruel and vicious.....unless they have migrated here from there.

[ClaudiaJ1]

@eggandchips33

Another post where people seem intent on sticking the boot in. Op has acknowledged that she behaved badly and refunded both friends. Why keep telling her what a bad person she is? The comment about being 'so grateful I don't have a friend like you' is horrible, unnecessary and completely unhelpful.

We preach about being kind and sympathetic of MH issues then lynch someone who clearly behaved this way due to stress and overwhelm. Yes it was unfair to her friends but she's done the right thing now so give her a break.

👏👏

The posts on here are absolutely disgraceful, especially when one can tell by OP's replies that she is at rock bottom low self esteem as it is. One would be forgiven for thinking this was posted in AIBU.

[eggandchips33]

Another post where people seem intent on sticking the boot in. Op has acknowledged that she behaved badly and refunded both friends. Why keep telling her what a bad person she is? The comment about being 'so grateful I don't have a friend like you' is horrible, unnecessary and completely unhelpful.

We preach about being kind and sympathetic of MH issues then lynch someone who clearly behaved this way due to stress and overwhelm. Yes it was unfair to her friends but she's done the right thing now so give her a break.

[BirdyBirdyTweetTweet]

I'm sorry you had a stressful incident at work - we're only human and there is no judgement on how you dealt with this. I appreciate you did what you thought was right at the time.
But from the others perspective, it probably wasn't the best way to handle.
I would have still gone but that's me.
I hope this hasn't impacted your MH too much further.

[ClaudiaJ1]

[quote LadyWithLapdog]@ClaudiaJ1 it’s not a fair description. It’s aggressive, rude, misogynistic. Why would you jump to that when you can use other words? It’s ok to live a more peaceful life or to seek better quality drama, you know.[/quote]
We'll have to agree to disagree. What A and B did to the OP was appalling and cruel and I stand by my description 100%.

[ClaudiaJ1]

@RoseAndRose

But OP said she'd go. It is friends A and B who pulled out

That's not the whole truth though, is it? They had no means of getting there without OP's GF.

And it's all very well,saying they should be more understanding of OP's situation. But we've heard nothing whatsoever about theirs. They are people themselves, not just part of OP's support system. Their reaction (not least to being 'lol'-ed after a worrying night of uncertainty) seems entirely reasonable.

Yes, OP needs to refund them. And I agree that making plans in future where 3rd parties rely on her (and by extension her GF) should nit be happening.

And yes to looking out for GF - OP seems to expect to boss her around too (just like she bossed friends around with the on/off, all fall in with my mood stuff). And that's really shoddy

Again, they could have gone with OP and her girlfriend. They are the ones that chose not to go.

And yes to looking out for GF - OP seems to expect to boss her around too

Seriously? Where did that narrative come from?? You've got no idea if the OP bosses her GF around (given OP's low self esteem I doubt it very much!), nor did she boss her 'friends' around. On the contrary, she seems to be the victim of the other 2 bossing her around and changing their minds, at least A making up and agreeing to go, only to change her mind yet again when B got into her ear.

Regardless, OP has refunded them (for their choice to cancel on her), and it's over. My advice OP would be to be wary of them in the future and don't put yourself out much for either of them in the future. As they said, you'd been a good friend to them, surely this one time they could have shown some understanding but....no. I would slowly withdraw if not completely withdraw from them. If they cut you off like this at the first sign of trouble when you're in need, you don't need them, especially if they're causing you so much heartache. You are worth more than them, please do believe that. Get your health under control with medication and therapy, and then try new interests where you can meet new people. Hopefully opening up the horizon to true friends for you.

[Livebythecoast]

@Fairylights25

Personally op I would be putting a ton of effort into maintaining and caring for your relationship with gf, she is putting up with a hell of a lot to be with you.
Even if your friendships can not be salvaged you still have one very bright light in your life in the shape of gf. So focus on the good and what can be saved, and take care of yourself properly so you can keep her in your life. At some point she will grow tired of this as well in time, so don't let it spoil things, it is better to address the issues now, and take that as a silver lining from this whole thing. Your friends did you a favour in showing you where work is needed with your MH and strategies.

Sensible post for OP to think about. We all make mistakes, do/say things we regret but it's how we learn and move forward with them. Knee-jerk reactions usually have negative outcomes.

[LadyWithLapdog]

@ClaudiaJ1 it’s not a fair description. It’s aggressive, rude, misogynistic. Why would you jump to that when you can use other words? It’s ok to live a more peaceful life or to seek better quality drama, you know.

[Bentoforthehorde]

I'm on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, don't use that as an excuse to be a dick. In these circumstances, your friends paid money, booked time off work and were presumably looking forward to the holiday. Poor mental health or not, what you did was incredibly shitty.

[RoseAndRose]

But OP said she'd go. It is friends A and B who pulled out

That's not the whole truth though, is it? They had no means of getting there without OP's GF.

And it's all very well,saying they should be more understanding of OP's situation. But we've heard nothing whatsoever about theirs. They are people themselves, not just part of OP's support system. Their reaction (not least to being 'lol'-ed after a worrying night of uncertainty) seems entirely reasonable.

Yes, OP needs to refund them. And I agree that making plans in future where 3rd parties rely on her (and by extension her GF) should nit be happening.

And yes to looking out for GF - OP seems to expect to boss her around too (just like she bossed friends around with the on/off, all fall in with my mood stuff). And that's really shoddy

[ClaudiaJ1]

[quote LadyWithLapdog]@ClaudiaJ1 I’m shocked by your use of language (bitches) about two people you know so little about. It’s so aggressive and unnecessary.

OP, what a drama. It sounds like you all need some space and time between you. Pay them back and try a reconciliation in a couple of months or so.

Lastly, I see the blasted “should of” “could of” has crossed the pond.[/quote]
@LadyWithLapdog How is 'bitches' so shocking, especially when that is is exactly what A and B were acting like? Seriously? I call it as I see it based on the information given, and given how they acted towards the OP when she was having problems and they were supposed to be her friends, it's a quite fair and reasonable description imo.

[Skyll]

I hope you can access help and support to deal better with your meltdowns. Good luck.

[Loudestcat14]

Well done for owning your mistake, issuing the refund and recognising that you need further support with your mental health. That takes guts. If you want to salvage the friendships, I'm guessing it's going to take some major league grovelling, starting with a genuine written apology and asking them how you can make further amends. If they reject that, at least you know you've tried.

[anon12345678901]

I would have been livd if a friend had pulled that with me. I mean the 'lol' part. Then going to sleep and ignoring them for hours. They had no way to get there so stop saying it, you've said it is only if you have snow tyres which your gf has. They wasted their annual leave, but at least you still enjoyed yours hey? I'd say give the friends some space, they may not come around again, but they may. No one knows. Just give it time.

[Dogladyxo]

@Fairylights25

Personally op I would be putting a ton of effort into maintaining and caring for your relationship with gf, she is putting up with a hell of a lot to be with you.
Even if your friendships can not be salvaged you still have one very bright light in your life in the shape of gf. So focus on the good and what can be saved, and take care of yourself properly so you can keep her in your life. At some point she will grow tired of this as well in time, so don't let it spoil things, it is better to address the issues now, and take that as a silver lining from this whole thing. Your friends did you a favour in showing you where work is needed with your MH and strategies.

I appreciate these words so incredibly much. Everything you say resonates with me. Thank you for not shaming me too horribly, although I deserve it.

This is definitely a silver lining.

[LadyWithLapdog]

@ClaudiaJ1 I’m shocked by your use of language (bitches) about two people you know so little about. It’s so aggressive and unnecessary.

OP, what a drama. It sounds like you all need some space and time between you. Pay them back and try a reconciliation in a couple of months or so.

Lastly, I see the blasted “should of” “could of” has crossed the pond.