TRIP WITH FRIENDS turned into nightmare - now I've lost both friends.

[Dogladyxo]

Hi All - looking for some advice really.

Myself, girlfriend (partner) and 2 mutual friends pre booked a vacation a few hours away. Also pre booked were 2 activities. Nothing is refundable. I did all of the research and booking as I enjoy it and everyone didn't know where to start!

Night before, something happened at work where I got a hard discipline and a talking to from director so I was very upset and distraught. I also suffer from anxiety/depression, although I know it's not an excuse. I messaged the group chat in the evening to say I can't go I'm so overwhelmed and ridden with sadness. (they could go without me) I then went to bed and both friends were incredibly upset and got no sleep as they didn't know if the trip was still happening. I woke up at 11 am, after a long nights rest I was ready to genuinely apologize and put this behind us.

Friend B write an essay about how inconsiderate I was, how they were up all night, booked 3 days off work ect and I wait till 11 am to message them. I froze up and my defense mechanism was to say lol and I'm going alone. NOT RIGHT at all but after half hour I sent so many messages till I was blue in the face of how seriously sorry I was. I felt horrible for putting everyone through worry about the trip. Eventually friend A (best friend) said she didn't want this to ruin our friendship and she will go. Then, friend a and b spoke and friend b was still furious and DEMANDING myself and/or gf refund them the whole trip money they paid.

Ultimately I feel it was their choice not to come on the trip. It was such a huge stressful conversation that friend b turned off her phone. Friend A turned around and said she changed her mind and this has caused her so much stress but for me to have a good time. AND she expects to be fully reimbursed for this. I said I'm sorry I cannot do that, this is your choice. Then she said never contact her again.

I sent a last message to friend B saying we will come pick both of you up anytime day or night during these 3 days, no reply.

WWYD? Saying "reimbursed" to me should be saying you need to pay out of pocket for this. I find this ridiculous as I can't even afford to pay out of pocket for both of them.

I'm upset this has ended with friend A and B ending our friendship.
I would love any advice mn can give.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I don't quite understand. You messaged them the night before, saying you couldn't go. So that was their moment to decide whether to go as a three, or not, wasn't it? You'd handed over the baton and dropped out.

So I don't understand why they hadn't made that decision and acted upon it (go as a 2 or 3, or cancel leave if possible and go to work). Why were they still hanging around in the morning?

Did they think your message was just a cry for attention? Where was your partner? Why couldn't she have set them straight and taken responsibility for liaising with the other two and deciding what to do, the night before?

What would have happened if you'd been ill in a non-negotiable and non-confusing way, like a broken leg or norovirus?

[Oblomov21]

You seem surprised. This would've seriously hacked me off and I wouldn't feel the same way about you afterwards if you'd dicked me around at the last minute.

I appreciate the disciplinary, but these are all the things that could've been talked about both from a supportive point of view and a practical suggestions with your friends whilst you were on holiday, to even suggest no going is so self-centred and over reactionary that I'd have to question what sort of friend you were.

[Sharletonz]

I've read this several times and tried to picture how I'd feel if I were either one of your friends. You had a knee jerk reaction and overreacted when you messaged them then don't bother to get back to them until 11am on the morning of your trip.. I'm sorry for you suffer with anxiety and depression but you can't use that as an excuse for everything. You messed up here. I'd refund her the money.

[Mojoj]

Grow up and reimburse them

[Oftenithinkaboutit]

I knew there was going to be a “sad” story re how you managed to afford jt

[Dogladyxo]

@Savoretti

How come at the start of the thread you said you couldn’t afford to refund them, then a few hours later you say you’ve done just that?

I cannot afford it. It's gone on my credit card.

[Savoretti]

How come at the start of the thread you said you couldn’t afford to refund them, then a few hours later you say you’ve done just that?

[Dogladyxo]

I do struggle with mh but agree it's no excuse. I should of been dealing with these specific issues a long time ago. It so happened that an anxiety attack happened the day before vacation.

Friend B wrote an essay very accusatory and harsh (again I deserve this), but I then went on the defence with the lol and I'll just go alone. I didn't mean it and reacted without thinking. I tried to apologize genuinely, then Friend B and my gf got into it because Friend B was taking all her frustrations out on her when gf was just caught in the middle. I tried to have a heart to heart with Friend B but she turned her phone off.

Thank you everyone who has given me honest, respectful advice and feedback. I am taking everything you've said with me.

[BingBongToTheMoon]

@Doubledoorsontogarden

You need to refund them.

She has!

[Doubledoorsontogarden]

You need to refund them.

[ancientgran]

Friend B seems to have been a stirrer, I take it the real upset is they were losing your GF as the unpaid chauffeur.

[Houseofvelour]

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already.
Yes you were very unreasonable but all you can do now is learn from this and pay them back.

We all make stupid mistakes but make sure you don't repeat them.

[Dogladyxo]

We were due to pick them up at noon.

[Dogladyxo]

@Oftenithinkaboutit

So if you’ve never ever behaved like this

You’ve always been nothing but a very good friend for many years

Then why do you think both these individuals have reacted in this way?

Because I put my own feelings above theirs (I wasn't thinking clearly I was emotionally numb and couldn't process what had happened to me) it was very bad and I have had a few breakdowns like this in my lifetime, nobody else involved though just me, and when I said I wouldn't be paying them out of pocket that was it for them.

[ancientgran]

Why couldn't they have just gone without you? If someone is ill or has family problems when you are going on a joint holiday it doesn't mean no one can go.

[eggandchips33]

@DottyHarmer I'm not talking about the effect on her friends, we've already established that the way she behaved was wrong.

But it's just grim to see some of the unnecessarily cruel replies here directed at someone who is struggling with their mental health. It's possible to give an opinion or constructive advice without resorting to personal insults.

[VeganCheesePlease]

Some of the comments made on here are vile!!!
I thought MN was meant to be women supporting women......
Anyway OP, firstly I'm sorry you had a stressful few days. I think the big issue your friends had was the message sent before going to bed as they didn't have a chance to speak with you/figure it out, so I can understand why they were upset.
However you did say you left GF with your phone after going to bed and she did reassure them that you had gone to bed and would likely feel better in the morning, so you didn't leave them totally in the lurch.
I can understand your friends being annoyed, a bit pissed off etc but there were some dramatics done here, both from you and your friends.
It is a tough one, and I think there are things that both you and your friends could have done a bit differently, but on the whole if you were going that morning, as your friends are adults then they could have spoke with you, made up, and you all could have enjoyed a nice trip together. The demanding a refund is a bit cheeky!

[DottyHarmer]

The thing is, those saying, “But she’s got mental health issues!” What about the others? I get in a terrible state about plans and if someone was dithering around or changing things, let alone leaving me up in the air and not answering their phone, I’d get actually physically ill.

A one-off emergency - well, there you go, but those with issues should still abide by the Do Unto Others rule: Be Kind is not a one-way street.

[Oftenithinkaboutit]

So if you’ve never ever behaved like this

You’ve always been nothing but a very good friend for many years

Then why do you think both these individuals have reacted in this way?

[Bananarama21]

You spoilt there trip you need to refund them

[Dogladyxo]

@EdgeOfTheSky

There are some very nasty replies here.

The OP says they suffer from MH issues, and seems to have had an anxiety attack or similar on the night before the holiday.

The friends could have put their energy into sorting their own snow tyres, sorting insurance to drive the OP’s suitably equipped car, arranging alternatives transport or talking calmly with the girlfriend about whether she would go, and drive.

OP; your girlfriend was there, witness to the details of the various communications and your state of mind. Does your girlfriend feel you should refund costs to the others?

My gf sees both sides, really.

Friend B really started to attack my gf through messaging because she was very distraught. Yes, my gf told them it's still on and I needed to sleep this off.

[withgraceinmyheart]

Oh OP, this sounds horrendous for all of you. I’m so sorry this happened and I hope you’re ok now. Something similar happened to me many years ago and it took a long time for me to recover. I hope you’re able to work through it in your counselling so it doesn’t affect your confidence long term.

I’ve been on both sides of this one. It’s awful to have been triggered that badly. When you’re really struggling, cancelling things is very common. But it’s also awful to be cancelled on last minute, and you need to be respectful in the way you handle it, because your friends mental health matters too.

I’m not blaming your girlfriend, as others have said she sounds really supportive and patient. But I do think the problem was the mixed messages of you saying ‘go without me’ and her saying ‘no it’s fine we’ll all go in the morning’. I’m presuming she did that because you have a history of pulling out of plans and then changing your mind. That’s horrible, and leads to people feeling messed around rather than sympathetic. If you can’t go for MH reasons you need to let people know as early as possible and then stick with that decision.

What time were you supposed to leave on the trip? If you slept past the planned time to go then I think you’re gf should’ve left without you or told the friends it was cancelled and immediately refunded their money. I know that sounds harsh but part of being involved with someone with MH problems is having strong boundaries to protect yourself and your friendships.

I think she’s ‘pandered’ to you too much, and that won’t help anyone long term. You need to take responsibility for your MH and she needs to let you. So if you were saying ‘I can’t go’ she needed to say ‘ok then’ and make plans assuming you weren’t coming, whatever that looked like. If you knew she would follow through on what you were saying, you might have reacted differently.

I’m saying that because it sounds like these friendships might not survive, or not might take a long time to recover. But your girlfriend is still there, so work with her and your counsellor to focus on protecting your relationship with her. It’s not her responsibility to manage your friendships for you while you sleep.

[Dogladyxo]

@Oftenithinkaboutit

But the friends themselves - the very close friends

Have been more “harsh” than anyone here

And that leads me to believe that - they e just had ENOUGH of this kind of behaviour from the op

I'm in tears reading all of the replies.

As I previously stated, I was a good friend to both of them, they have told me so over the years. Nothing like this has come about as I held them in such high regards. Also it was the timing of the horrible work situation and having to leave the next day that I had a meltdown :( they didn't deserve to be in the midst of it at all.

Nobody can make me feel more worse then I already do. But it is action that will help me work through my mh issues.