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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ex is having a breakdown... what do i do????

28 replies

Shinyhappymummy · 10/12/2007 22:00

After boasting on here about how happy i am i admit to the worst mistake ever.... trying to be friends with an ex. he started playing his old games and it has become quite clear it won't work being civilised.... i am soft as this is a bad time of year for him (his dad died 3 years ago) We split up because or verbal, major emotional and mental abuse and bullying. He bullied me and my dd(5) It was awful. WHy i thought it was ok to be friends i don't know. Anyway now i have cut contact he has turned to counselling, medication etc in a desperate bid to show me he is changing and so on.... However he has not changed and has gone down this route a few times before. he claims he is screwed up and that this makes it ok to treat me like shit. he claims it was his dads death that screwed him up but he was an arse before this and his 7 year marriage ended for much same reasons as our relationship did (they didnt have any kids) However now i have said that nothing has changed and i want him to leave him alone he is breaking down (apparently) He is crying sobbing and shaking. I FEEL GUILTY AND WORRIED HE MIGHT DO SOMETHING DAFT!!! Have told a mutual friend to be there for him...... HELP ADVICE!!!!!! DO I RUN ROUND AND HELP HIM OR DO I STAND BACK?????

OP posts:

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madamez · 13/12/2007 17:34

If he comes round kicking and shrieking again, tell him out of an upstairs window to leave or you will call the police. If he doesn't leave, call them. He has no right of entry to your house and the police will usually come out and move on a troublesome XP.

warthog · 13/12/2007 13:05

well done!

MaLopez · 13/12/2007 00:05

Do not feel guilty for telling him to leave. He is hoping that will be the case. Move on and have a great Christmas. I know it sounds easier than it is, but do not let him in next time. He is hoping that you will be the good parent and not want his knocking to wake your daughter up while he keeps making a huge racket. Ignore him next time.

sparklycheerymummy · 12/12/2007 23:24

sorry i had to disappear quickly the other night.... my old neihbour text me to say he was leaving in car and i knew he would come round so i quickly switched everything off an dhid. trouble was he belted on front door so loud for so long he would have woke dd up. i let him in and refused to look at him. knew if i did i would feel sorry for him. made him leave and felt guilty but strong. i have since found out thaT he was helping his mate have an affair with 4 women at same time last year..... he was providing an alibI and often they all met up...... which begs the issue of whether he got up to anything..... an issue which is irrelevant now but gives me one more reason to hate him. he put a gorgeous christmas card for dd and one for me through door earlier..... card was nice shame from him. AND AS FOR THE NAME ISSUE..... I WAS ACTUALLY Q8UITE HURT AND TAKEN ABACK...... I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE AND FEEL THAT THE PERSON STRESSING ABOUT IT IS RATHER PETTY AND POSSIBLY QUITE SELFISH...... BRINGING UP SOMETHING ABOUT THEMSELF WHICH IS REALLY UNIMPORTANT AT MY TIME OF NEED!!!!

madamez · 11/12/2007 20:07

People who threaten to top themselves, as Lewisfan says, rarely do it. Especially people who are threatening it as a way to frighten other people. I once had a manipulative knob of a boyfriend who 'took an overdose' which consisted of 5 paracetamol ffs. And he was then sick.
Ignore the silly sod, he won't die, he wouldn't be that considerate. Best of luck with putting him out of your mind and enjoying a life free of his performances.

Alambil · 11/12/2007 10:34

oh, also - he isn't having a breakdown. He is acting; he knows what strings to pull so he is pulling them with all his might.

Alambil · 11/12/2007 10:32

So, you know he emotionally and mentally abuses you - so you left.

He is STILL absuing you. Crying wolf and pretending to be so distraught are a means to an end.

He is a grown adult. He is competent. He COULD go to the doctor and get help - he just WON'T.

Do NOT get involved any more with him - if he says he will kill himself, ignore him.

People that speak of suicide RARELY go through with it - it is for emotional blackmail (AKA abuse).

He is not your responsibility.

It wasn't until I replied with "go on then" to my ex's claims to trying suicide that he gave up and realised that I wasn't still under his control.

Please, whatever you do - don't listen to him; he is using all his power and control to keep you in his web. Ignore him and break free.

oops · 10/12/2007 23:33

Message withdrawn

iwantacoolchristmasnickname · 10/12/2007 23:21

alright, alright, original.

TheORIGINALShinyHappyStar · 10/12/2007 23:12

(It's not confusing unless you're thick is it Oops. )

iwantacoolchristmasnickname · 10/12/2007 23:08

am I the only one who is now confused which shiny happy is which?

Everyone is right shiny, I mean sparkly, he is NOT your responsibility. He is still manipulating you.

You are neither the cause of nor the solution to his problems. Remember that.!

MaLopez · 10/12/2007 23:01

Good move with the phone.

sparklycheerymummy · 10/12/2007 22:59

he has just tried ringing and i turned my phone off.

sparklycheerymummy · 10/12/2007 22:51

cant be arsed arguing over my name it is now sparklycheerymummy

oops · 10/12/2007 22:40

Message withdrawn

warthog · 10/12/2007 22:34

don't call him. don't go round. stay strong and post on here instead.

MaLopez · 10/12/2007 22:26

It is not okay to be friends with an abuser. He is not your responsibility and the most you should do is point the mutual friend in his direction. Do not run over there, it is a cunning plan. Do not give in. Please

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 10/12/2007 22:18

[sigh]

Shinyhappymummy · 10/12/2007 22:14

ok name change it is...... just like me though to do what other people want to keep them happy instead of myself. thanks for the support though.

OP posts:

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 10/12/2007 22:11

Sorry but have been ShinyHappy for nearly 2 years. And the names aren't quite different..

[stamps foot while being aware of the inappropriateness of footstamping on this thread]

I'll go now..

Shinyhappymummy · 10/12/2007 22:11

arh let me clear up here.... he is not my dds father.......

OP posts:

Shinyhappymummy · 10/12/2007 22:10

Sorry about name.... will try think of another but I do really like it and another mumsnetter suggested it to be a few months ago. Think the names are quite different. Sorry but other things to think about. He has not rung for a few hours which worries me but if I ring I have given in nad I feel ok at the moment and not distraught or upset.... which i will be if a speak to him. Am just growing a backbone and getting myself back up there

OP posts:

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madamez · 10/12/2007 22:10

His problems are not your fault and he is not your responsibility. If he is recieving professional help for his issues then it's up to the professionals to look after him or arrange for him to be looked after: it is NOT YOUR JOB any more. It's also very common for abusive nasty men to try the 'Waaah! I'll KILL myself if I don't get my own way' tactic on their XPs purely as a way of upsetting and scaring the XPs. Let him get on with it. It is of course possible that the professional help will turn him into a civilised person who can be relied on to be a part of his DDs life in the future, but while he's still shreiking in the bushes and spitting the dummy, he's not 'better'. He's still a PITA.

warthog · 10/12/2007 22:09

stand back. what would you have to gain by running to him? would it mean he would change? no way. he'll stay exactly the same because he's got his way. AGAIN.

WigWamBam · 10/12/2007 22:04

Stand back. And keep back. He is at best manipulative, and and worst dangerous and you and your daughter don't need that.

By staying involved with him you allow him to manipulate you and treat you as badly as he did when you were with him.

If he does something daft, that's his choice and not your fault. But it's emotional blackmail, and you can't let yourself fall for that.

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