How to accept that this is my choice?

[Drainholed]

I have two choices.

1. Leave husband . This means that the children and I would lose everything, we would at best be able to rent somewhere very small, so sharing rooms, not having space, rehoming the much loved pets and generally struggling to meet basic life costs.
2. Stay with husband. Accept that this means that I am drowning in unhappiness, but children have a stable home and pets are safe.

I've chosen option 2 and then there are nights like this when I'm in tears reading MN and just can't believe this is my life.

[OldEvilOwl]

Would any friends take your pets to look after? I would do this for a friend

[funnylittlefloozie]

I'm sitting in a rented house right now, with my cat on my lap. Some landlords will accept pets, but honestly, its better to give up pets than your hope and happiness.

Do you work for your DH?

[CircleofWillis]

In the short term could you 'separate' but still live in the same house until you are able to sort out your joint finances?

Do you currently rent or own your home?

[Navilana]

Sorry, I didn't see the page already updated

[Navilana]

As PP said, there might be options to safeguard your pets. But you won't know for sure until you inform yourself properly, will you?

Also, it doesn't necessarily mean when you part ways with your husband, that your kids lose the stability. There might be 2 places to call home and there might be a better understanding between parents.... It all depends on the situation you find yourself in and how you carry yourself through it.

Won't you tell us why you are so unhappy ?

[Dery]

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You have just this one shot. Don’t sacrifice yourself on the altar of a miserable marriage. In the long term, your children won’t thank you for it.

[Dery]

Please listen to Category12 and other PP. If you have your own job, then you're not 100% financially dependent on him. And if that's a job you have as a result of working for him, then, yes, you will need to find another job but there's no reason why you can't achieve that. As regards the pets, is there anyone who can help you in the meantime?

Please don't underestimate the damage which will be done to your children growing up with a mother who is drowning in unhappiness. Would you like any of them to have the same experience of marriage? If not, then it's best not to model it for them. Also, if and when you finally leave your marriage, having suffered for years, it may make them feel like much of their childhood family experience was a lie.

It sounds like you're desperately in need of real life support to help you realise that you don't have to live like this and work out how to get away. Do you have any such support? If you don't have family and/or friends who can help out, Women's Aid may well be able to help you.

[DoverSoul]

He is not physically abusive.

What else can you tell us about him?

[Candyfloss99]

Everyone would be happier if you went for option 1.

[Flyg]

FFS *earning power, sorry

[Flyg]

i left, i rent a small house, sometimes i cry tears of sheer joy that i got away. The kids are thriving and my earling power should only go up and time goes by too.

Look more at how option 1 can work. This is your one life, OP.

[category12]

I've made massive mistakes and as such I am completely financially dependent on husband, I'm not exaggerating to say I would have no money once I'd paid the rent deposit I'd lose my current job

If you have a job, you're not completely financially dependent on your dh? Or is it a job through a business he runs?

"Massive mistakes?" Is that debt? If you speak to Stepchange or someone, you can work out a plan for any creditors and in time can rebuild your credit rating. (If debt was accrued for household stuff that benefited your husband, in a divorce that would be taken into account and he could be considered jointly liable.)

Is your dh on a low income himself?
Would he not support his children if you split?

[Fere]

Would you not share the family assets after divorce? This could pay for rent and more.

[agreyersky]

Look into both your options in detail. See if you can get a free initial session with a lawyer about what you would be entitled to in a divorce.
Sit down and really think through in detail that option. You have to look long term. There are likely to be programmes in your area to support Economically Inactive women into employment. Look into getting counselling from your GP or a mental health charity to support you living like this or to help you make choices. There is actually a lot of support out there once to start to access it. You will be of interest as you have children so these agencies will want to support you to ensure the children are ok.

Staying. Staying and drowning in unhappiness is not a viable option. It will destroy you. I have seen another poster say how she works with women who have had full mental breakdowns from trying to live like this. You can only stay if you can find a way to be happy. You will have to build up your own good life entirely separately from your husband.

You say your husband is not physically abusive but there are other ways to be abusive, emotional, financial. Even if he does not meet a legal definition of abuse, you can still experience it as mental torture to live with someone who is hard to live with, or who you don't like or respect.

[Rosieposy89]

Hugs op. I don't think you can sacrifice your happiness for your pets, life is too short and it could really impact on your wellbeing. Also consider if it was the other way around: would you want your husband to stay with you if you knew he was so desperately unhappy in the marriage? Separating might bring initial pain and hardship but this would be temporary and kids adapt x

[Londontown12]

Life’s to short to b unhappy ! Plus if u stuck with option 2 your not being fair on the kids ! Kids are not stupid they pick up on everything no matter how u try to hide how your feeling big hugs 🤗 I know it must be hard but even if you have a smaller home you and the children wud be happy in the long run xxx

[baileys6904]

Try reading the statistics for kids that grow up in a miserable household, far more important and scary than those in poverty-something I find quite offensive to write of a whole generation for where they happened to be brought up when actually they are the ones with the motivation to change their lives.

[Heyahun]

You don’t have to leave the house though surely in the first instance- you just have to split up with him first then the rest will come in time!! If it’s to be sold then you will not have to move til that’s done - or if husband wants to buy you out perhaps you can stay too!

There are deffo more options than what you are suggesting!

[Opentooffers]

Have you considered divorcing whilst still living in the house if he's not physically abusive? It's your home too, so he can't make you leave, but you can still separate legally and have his financial contributions in place before you go. If you own your home, move out after it's sold, so you have the equity from that. Its hard to know if doable in that way without any details, but if he's not abusive, it could be an option to consider perhaps?

[DappledOliveGroves]

Assuming you jointly own the family home, why would you have to move out? Surely he could leave and rent somewhere?

[crunchiebabe]

I completely understand you ... 100%
I had no alternative in the end ...
It all worked out fine , and it will for you too. It's the fear of the unknown and many other factors .... stay strong .... wish you the best .

[category12]

Why would you lose your job?

[Furgggggg12]

Is he emotionally abusive?

[Drainholed]

Sorry I have been reading the replies just trying to put it into words.

I've made massive mistakes and as such I am completely financially dependent on husband, I'm not exaggerating to say I would have no money once I'd paid the rent deposit I'd lose my current job and getting another is tricky at the moment because of covid. Regards the pets a. Getting a place which allows them is unlikely but b. I wouldn't be able to afford them.
I understand that the kids maybe damaged by the relationship, but the statistics for the disadvantage due to poverty is shocking.
He is not physically abusive.

[geoblip]

I would not be doing choice 1 do not be the one to leave, kick him out if he's that bad, you and the children come first.