Boyfriend on hookup site

[Peace43]

I think I know the answer to this one but before I say anything why don’t you ladies (and gents) tell me how this is going to go....
I met my partner (both were single) on Fab (a swingers hookup site) over 18 months ago. We’ve been exclusive since although we did consider including others for a while and created a joint profile on fab. We eventually agreed not to proceed. About 9 months ago I noticed via our joint profile that my boyfriend’s personal profile was still active. We discussed it, he said he wanted us to close the joint profile and I expressed my concerns about him still using his personal profile. He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone.
I had an idle curiosity last night (prompted by another mumsnet thread) to just pop onto Fab and see if he was still active and his profile was last logged into 16hrs previously. I checked again today and it was accessed 3hrs previously.

If I ask him about this what do you think he’s going to say? I’d just like to see the script in advance because I’m quite sure he’ll be convincing....

[Closetbeanmuncher]

He will say he's just curious or blame it on lockdown. Bin him OP he's untrustworthy.

[SortingItOut]

People are not generally on Fab for a long term relationship, they are on there for either casual sex or FWB.

But sometimes you click with someone and move it on into a relationship.

I didnt join Fab for a relationship, I wanted a long term FWB and to also go to a swingers club.

I did both but the guy who was my long term FWB ended up becoming my boyfriend, neither were looking but we clicked and realised we would be good as a couple.

So as I was on Fab does that make me unwholesome or likely to cheat?
Of course it doesnt, when I was single I did what I liked, now I'm in a relationship I don't look for men to cheat with or do any of that.

[SoulofanAggron]

I think men genuinely dont think they are doing anything wrong when they do go on sites and “look”. I suspect he will think just looking is perfectly fine hes not intending to meet anyone

As we've seen on threads here all too often, most of the time these 'just looking' men are actually messaging, anyway.

I don’t know why you would think a man you met on a swingers website was going to stay monogamous to you ! Shocked NOT shocked .

People who were swingers can be monogamous, too. Have you been 'pure' your whole life? Do you think that people who have had a previous partner in their lives are 'not the kind of girl you'll take home to your mother,' want to marry etc?

OP was on there too and it doesn't mean she can't be monogamous or is untrustworthy.

[Smallonesaremorejuicy]

I don’t know why you would think a man you met on a swingers website was going to stay monogamous to you ! Shocked NOT shocked .

[Lozzerbmc]

I think men genuinely dont think they are doing anything wrong when they do go on sites and “look”. I suspect he will think just looking is perfectly fine hes not intending to meet anyone...

[SoulofanAggron]

you can’t convince me that someone looking for a committed relationship should be looking for it on a site KNOWN for swinging and be surprised that their partner is potentially swinging behind their back?!

@NotaCoolMum They weren't looking for a committed relationship, they ended up in one, as people do sometimes with friends/people they get to know.

We know that men cheating isn't reliant on someone having met them on Fab. Men women meet in all sorts of places go on to cheat.

Yes, I would expect people are on that site because that is what they're into.

Having hookups when single? I assume you know that not only people on Fab have them.

[RantyAnty]

Yes, I would expect people are on that site because that is what they're into.
The guy is into that so it isn't surprising he is still on the site looking to hookup.

He may have meant exclusive for you but not for him. Men seem to keep their options open regardless of what they say.

[NotaCoolMum]

@minchinfin yes- 100%

[NotaCoolMum]

Of course people can do whatever they like when they’re single, but you can’t convince me that someone looking for a committed relationship should be looking for it on a site KNOWN for swinging and be surprised that their partner is potentially swinging behind their back?! Doesn’t make it right at all, but it’s true.

[minchinfin]

I disagree

I wouldn't see anyone I met on fab swingers as long term, monogamous relationship potential I am afraid. You can be as cool girl and sex positive as you like but nobody changes that fundamentally imo

[NewScone]

@MizMoonshine

I wouldn't be asking him.
I'd be taking his phone, screenshotting and then sending him the messages (which there will be) with a hearty fuck you.

This.

[SoulofanAggron]

I can't imagine men that choose fab as their dating app of choice are going to be interested in monogamy.

@minchinfin People can do stuff while they're single, it doesn't necessarily reflect what they'll be like in a commited relationship.

[SoulofanAggron]

I’m not judgmental- it makes no difference to me what people chose to do in their private lives- my point is that op said she met her DP on FAB “a swinger hookup site” (as she described it) and is now surprised that he is appearing to still be actively looking on the site.

It's no different to when we see threads on here where couples meet on Tinder and become exclusive, then the woman is surprised to learn that her OH is still active on Tinder. Once you're in a couple and exclusive/agreed not to do stuff by yourselves, looking at/still being active on dating/hookup sites is generally considered not ok.

[minchinfin]

well she has obviously met a "like minded people who are open about sex" and he continues to be so.

I can't imagine men that choose fab as their dating app of choice are going to be interested in monogamy. I'd throw that one back in and start again OP if that's what you want.

[NotaCoolMum]

@SortingItOut I’m not judgmental- it makes no difference to me what people chose to do in their private lives- my point is that op said she met her DP on FAB “a swinger hookup site” (as she described it) and is now surprised that he is appearing to still be actively looking on the site.

[SortingItOut]

@NotaCoolMum Thanks for saying I'm not a wholesome choice 🤬

Fab is not just a swingers site, its a site to meet like minded people who are open about sex.

If you're an adult whether in a relationship or not you can make your own decisions about where to meet people and if you take it further.

Its not about being cool or modern, its about accepting other peoples choices and not being judgemental.

[SoulofanAggron]

He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone. I had an idle curiosity last night (prompted by another mumsnet thread) to just pop onto Fab and see if he was still active and his profile was last logged into 16hrs previously. I checked again today and it was accessed 3hrs previously. If I ask him about this what do you think he’s going to say? I’d just like to see the script in advance because I’m quite sure he’ll be convincing

I imagine he will just repeat that he just looks. You might want to see if there's a way you can access his email or Fab account so you can see if he also messages (seems likely.)

He maybe looks because he fantasises about you doing stuff as a couple again (just my experience with men.) Does he try and nag you to do this again?
-
Based on threads on here, there are also some guys whose response to you asking about this/saying you don't like it will be to accuse you of being controlling, maybe suspicious due to past relationships etc.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I expressed my concerns about him still using his personal profile. He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone.

Didn't you say this made you uncomfortable?

[NotaCoolMum]

Ok maybe this isn’t very “cool” of “modern” of me to think but how on earth does anyone expect someone they met on a SWINGERS site to be a wholesome choice for a stable partner?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[SortingItOut]

Nowadays everything has to be discussed when you enter a new relationship from exclusivity, to being on the apps, to what your relationship is.
Never assume, that is where wires get crossed

I've been cheated on and so has my boyfriend so when we agreed to have a relationship I raised the 'what constitutes cheating?' To make sure we were on the same page and luckily we are.

Some people dont see flirting or sexting as cheating, others do.
Some dont think an affair is a true affair unless its physical.

[Peace43]

We were both looking for casual no strings when we first met. We just got on really well. We were both keen to experiment and had some very clear discussions about boundaries. We definitely had the exclusivity chat. I don’t think we ever really discussed our respective Fab profiles, I’d just assumed.

[SortingItOut]

I met my boyfriend on Fab, we were FWB to start with.
We both kept our Fab profiles but hid them once we were properly together but we still both logged in to see what was going on in the swinging world.

My boyfriend told me he looked at photos and stuff but never messaged which you cant do when your profile is hidden.

I used to log in to see who was local in case I recognised them, to look at photos and to read the forum.

About 3 months ago my partner deleted his profile completely. I've still got mine but it is hidden. I last logged in over a month ago just for a nosey.

Is your boyfriends profile hidden? If its not why isnt it? You can hide it and still do most things except message abd find out who is nearby.

You need a discussion with him about whats acceptable.
Have you even had the exclusive chat? Being boyfriend/girlfriend doesnt make you exclusive especially when you've met on Fab.

[Itstimetoquit]

That site is awful,he's probably arranging meets!