I don't know why this happened and what do I do to fix it?

[SnowedLastNight]

My last relationship utterly destroyed me.

I've been single for nearly 10 years. In that time I've dated a bit, a few short flings but never anything serious. I've been unlucky with the men I've met and ended each of these flings after a few months when they became unpalatable to me. The issues have mainly been infidelity, sexual aggressiveness or criticism of me physically (too old, too fat, not attractive enough).

In their own ways, each of these 'damaged' me a little - added another little scar I suppose. But I've always bounced back, taken a few months to a couple of years for myself and come back stronger. Ending a relationship that isn't right for me has always felt empowering. It didn't really affect me or how I saw myself long term. And there was still always hope. Still always next time.

Then, just over a year ago, I started seeing a friend of a friend. It was an abject disaster. The reality was that we got on well enough but there wasn't really a spark and we had many incomipatabilities that made each of us unsuitable for the other long term. He didn't criticise me directly, as other men have, but it was clear that he didn't find me physically attractive in the way that he might. Physically, I found him very attractive but I found aspects of his personality less so in a partner and, eventually and after about 11 months (which was far too long in hindsight!) I ended it.

We remained friends, initially for the benefit of our mutual friends really but, for the last couple of months, we've seen each other most weekends and we spent a lot of time over christmas together. It's actually been lovely. We've become really good friends. I stay at his house (in the spare room), we take it in turns to cook, we laugh, go out for walks (not much else to do at the moment!), watch films, talk. In every way, we get on far better now than we did when we were together. We are still in a support bubble.

The things that were a problem when we were seeing each other are no longer an issue in a friendship in the way they were in a relationship and we are genuinely close. We've each shared things about ourselves that few others know and we trust each other.

I still think he's an attractive man but have no desire at all to get back together with him and i have no reason at all to think he feels any differently. It just wasn't right. It really is a case of we should never have been together and should just have been friends.

But it's utterly destroyed me.

I've cried nearly every day over the past few weeks, I've lost motivation to do things I enjoy. I haven't bounced back this time and I don't know why.

I feel like the hope I've always had has left me. It's left me feeling unattractive, undesirable and broken. I just feel so sad and so hopeless. I can't seem to find myself this time.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, it's not just middle-aged men, rather that they present another layer of issues of their own.

You do sound very calm, in-control and not willing to 'settle' really.

Is there something about you, your age, where you are in your life, some unconscious goal you feel you've missed, that might be the thing flooring you now? Is it one of those moments in life where you feel you've just woken up and gone 'this isn't where I imagined I'd be!' and it shakes you up and makes you dig over your past to work out how you got there?

[SnowedLastNight]

Not really. Maybe a slightly repressed family background where I was discouraged from showing emotions/vulnerability. But no massive trauma or anything. What about you?

Sorry, I missed this earlier.

Similar, I'd say.

There was definitely some trauma in my past which might explain some of it but not why I'm feeling so hopeless now specifically.

I really just need to get back on track.

Like everyone, I'm probably feeling lockdown and the fact I can't see my friends as I would have before.

But I'm working from home so my work/life balance is better! I just don't have a life to balance it with!

I'm using the time to eat properly and I've lost weight.

I'm getting stuff done in the house that has been outstanding for a while.

Im spending more and better quality time with my daughter.

With the exception of the gym/swimming pool being closed, I'm getting more exercise in the great outdoors than I managed before.

But there's still a sense of being emotionally broken.

The lack of motivation I referred to is more about hobbies and things than life in general.

[SnowedLastNight]

Is there something about you, your age, where you are in your life, some unconscious goal you feel you've missed, that might be the thing flooring you now? Is it one of those moments in life where you feel you've just woken up and gone 'this isn't where I imagined I'd be!' and it shakes you up and makes you dig over your past to work out how you got there?

Hm, good question!

Yes, i suppose there are a few things i feel like this about but most of them I've made peace with. I'm not really one for dwelling on things I can't change. And there are somethings I can't change due to my stage in life, unavoidable family stuff, finances, following bad advice and ships that sailed... but I don't dwell on them. I know many people who have similar or their own equally crappy life stories.

I suppose there have been times in my life where I've needed to retreat into my fortress for protection and healing. I do feel a bit though that that protective fortress has become a prison of sorts maybe.

[gannett]

OP I do wonder whether lockdown could be playing a larger role than you think in why you suddenly feel so unhappy. It's shrunk all of our lives to what they already were and blocked off a lot of things we'd do do change our expand them. As you say you have work-life balance sorted but no life to actually fill it with. And the person you see most is a reminder of what you perceive to be the latest in a string of failed relationships - even though you rationally know it wasn't a failure, it was never a viable relationship and what you have instead is a healthy friendship.

I also relate to constructing a fortress to protect your emotions, and finding that means fewer people can get in. I think to an extent you'll always be a guarded person and that's fine - but you can experiment with chipping away the walls a little bit. It doesn't have to be a full outpouring - maybe just a general "I'm feeling pretty down right now" to a friend, maybe the guy in your support bubble. If neither of you want to get back in a relationship with each other you could even talk about being perpetually single - I'm sure he has feelings about his state too.

Or if that doesn't seem like something you want to do, maybe therapy? Just to let all these things out and to be able to let someone inside that fortress who isn't a risk.

[valadon68]

OP, your posting style and story are distinctive and so I recognise you as the writer of many separate threads about this man. Without wanting to be unkind at all, I do wonder whether you are being entirely honest about your feelings towards him. Is this friendship possibly going to stop you from meeting someone else? Are you repeating a pattern which has not stood you well previously? Is he a constant reminder of the hurt he caused you to feel?
On the last thread, people (probably correctly) surmised that the problem lies with him - he seems incapable of having romantic relationships. But instead, you're shouldering the 'blame' - why is this the preferable option? Perhaps because you feel that, if there's actually nothing wrong with you, there's no way to fix the situation?

[SnowedLastNight]

valadon68

I agree it's him in that respect but it doesn't explain why I feel the way I do about myself now.

It's more that I'm trying to understand myself rather than anyone else.