Cars, cash and boyfriends

[courtrai]

Please tell me AIBU. I'm driving myself nuts and dick of overthinking

My other half and I rent a lovely home 50:50. He is legally divorced but the financials are still subject to legals. He has no kids but is still paying huge amount for matrimonial home plus salary to ex wife who refuses to engage with legal proceedings to close it off. I am divorced with 2 teens; 1 lives with us permanently and 1 approx one-third of the week. I don't receive maintenance or child benefit (due to new partners earning level).

I'm on approx 32k full time salary. He is in much much more but obviously still has other financial commitments.

I need a new car. Mine is literally a shed on wheels and now at the stage where I need to spend a good proportion of its value in maintaining it (currently 2 new wheels which is about a third of the value of the car ☹️). My other half has company lease vehicles (his firm) and on Friday announced this weekend he is taking delivery of a car worth over £150k - albeit on lease. He says we can 'share'. We can't. He has a 40 mile daily commute.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset and keeps referring to us as a team when I feel anything but. To finance a secondhand car or a lease car would swallow a third of my disposable income after housing costs. I can't justify that with kids to support.

Whilst he doesn't owe me anything I feel like the poor relation. Albeit the poor relation who has occasional use of a ridiculously fancy car,

What should I do? Would you be upset? Am I a spoilt brat?

I'm dreading the new car arriving as I'll have to be happy for him

[Candyfloss99]

If he pays 50:50 but you are responsible for housing 2 teens then he is paying more than his fair share for the house. Are you wanting him to buy you a car?

[RantyAnty]

What do you both expect from living together?

I'm not sure what he means by team as he doesn't seem to consult with you like one.

Are you doing all the house work, shopping, cooking, and wife work?

[ThistleWitch]

@MacbookHo

You mean your partner has a decree nisi? He can’t get a decree absolute until the financial settlement has been finalised. So no, he’s not divorced yet. He’s still married.

So it sounds like you’re living with a married man who contributes say 10% of his salary towards your shared house, while you contribute say 40% of yours? Obviously you’re the reason you’re renting a bigger house than he’d need otherwise, but even so. And he’s paying his wife a salary to minimise his tax. And then promising to help you with a car, but failing. And then treating himself to a flash new one while you drive round in a wreck.

Is that right?

and you have only been with a year?

[newnameforthis123]

You've been together a year? So he moved into your home and your children's home after 4/5 months max, if you say he moved in for lockdown?

Tbh if you were a mate of mine I would say you were irresponsible to move him in so quickly (so, so quickly!) especially without finances agreed properly and that you need to take a step back and date him again instead of pushing things forward at this pace. Especially now you're having financial concerns.

Don't you feel that this has all happened too quickly? Especially if he hasn't got kids so isn't used to living with them and being with someone who has dependents.

[courtrai]

It's true and I do agree. I also really struggle with the concept of being indebted to someone (my relationship with ex husband had some hugely negative experiences). What I struggled with was the unilateral decision making in such an expensive purchase when I'm needing to buy the same thing in a hugely different price bracket and then being told we're a 'team'. That isn't remotely team like is it?

I can and will sort myself out. I'm thinking of taking #2 teen to look at a car this afternoon. And if I like it, then I'll take it and be happy.

[Ro198]

I think it’s quite generous to offer to share a £150k car when you’ve been together a year. I started living with my partner early on in the relationship and we gradually started sharing significant things like this, it is quite a big ask to expect someone to either finance (or lend you the money) for a car. Would you honestly do the same if it was the other way round? If people were suggesting they were about to do this on here I think people would be telling them what a mistake it was.

[MintyMabel]

You do realise your household income is what most of us would consider huge. You can afford a second hand car.

It is entirely irrelevant what your or anyone else's opinion of the OP's income is. If the OP says she can't afford a new car, she knows that better than you.

[courtrai]

Damn fat fingers - they couldn't have children so this is all new to him

[courtrai]

@MacbookHo

How come you moved in together so quickly?

He spent lockdown with me which went really very well and then relocated to be down here permanently. Don't get me wrong he is a very good man. He just doesn't seem to understand the financial pressures I have - he could have children with his wife and do this is all new.

I think I've reconciled things in my head. I'm off to look at a car which I can afford and would be mine. Entirely.

[category12]

My understanding is that you can claim child benefit on a high household income, but it would then be clawed back by hmrc, jimmyjammy.

[mindutopia]

If he makes considerably more than you, it sounds like paying 50:50 is not fair for you. It sounds like he has lots of expenses, but they are his personal expenses that have nothing to do with you. Just like your car is your personal expense and has nothing to do with him. If he contributed a fairer share to joint expenses, then you would have money to save to buy a new car. Dh and I both earn very well, but I'd never expect him to buy me a car. I don't, however, have a car on finance. I bought a 12 year old one in cash after saving up. It sounds like that would be possible for you, if you could save more of your income and also bank the child benefit for a bit.

[MacbookHo]

How come you moved in together so quickly?

[10questions]

Why are they going to court over the house? Does she not want to sell up? How much is he expecting when the house is sold?

[courtrai]

@MacbookHo

You mean your partner has a decree nisi? He can’t get a decree absolute until the financial settlement has been finalised. So no, he’s not divorced yet. He’s still married.

So it sounds like you’re living with a married man who contributes say 10% of his salary towards your shared house, while you contribute say 40% of yours? Obviously you’re the reason you’re renting a bigger house than he’d need otherwise, but even so. And he’s paying his wife a salary to minimise his tax. And then promising to help you with a car, but failing. And then treating himself to a flash new one while you drive round in a wreck.

Is that right?

Erm.... yes that's about it

You can get an absolute however without financial agreement. The legal part of the marriage is done and both he and she acknowledges that much

[10questions]

What do you actually want from him? Eg do you want him to buy you a new car? Do you want a loan or a contribution from him? What did you expect when he offered to help you out with the car but didn’t?

Can you actually ask him for what you want/expect?

[MacbookHo]

You mean your partner has a decree nisi? He can’t get a decree absolute until the financial settlement has been finalised. So no, he’s not divorced yet. He’s still married.

So it sounds like you’re living with a married man who contributes say 10% of his salary towards your shared house, while you contribute say 40% of yours? Obviously you’re the reason you’re renting a bigger house than he’d need otherwise, but even so. And he’s paying his wife a salary to minimise his tax. And then promising to help you with a car, but failing. And then treating himself to a flash new one while you drive round in a wreck.

Is that right?

[jimmyjammy001]

@category12

You should still claim child benefit. It may be assumed that you're benefiting from living with him, but if you're not, I don't see why you should lose that money - he can pay it back out of his money. Why should you be the one losing income?

You can't claim child benefit if you agree to go and live with a partner who earns over the threshold as it is calculated on household income if he decides not to subsidize your loss in benefits that's between you both and should you probably move out if you will be better off, but it sounds like he pays 50% and you pay 50% as well, you would need to work out if you would be better off if you moved out, he can't expect you to spend as much as he can on cars, house, going out when your salary is alot lot less than his, he will need to subsidize you if we wishes to carry on his current financial lifestyle. But I doubt after being together for just a year he is going to buy you a new car unfortunately.

[courtrai]

@Alexandernevermind

You do realise your household income is what most of us would consider huge. You can afford a second hand car. You aren't married and as long as you are both contributing a fair share to the home and expenses you can't begrudge how he spends his money. It will make him look like to dick to the outside world though if you are pottering around in a £2k car whilst his is worth £150k!

I do realise this, I work full time and fund 2 teens from my salary. I am incredibly fortunate. It's the fact that I bust my balls to maintain my lifestyle when my partner seems oblivious that is hitting me right now

[category12]

You do have a decent income. Perhaps ask him for a loan rather than going down the external loan route and buy a cheap new car - Dacia Sanderos come in at less than £10k new.

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

You are still missing out. His ex certainly isn't!

[Alexandernevermind]

You do realise your household income is what most of us would consider huge. You can afford a second hand car. You aren't married and as long as you are both contributing a fair share to the home and expenses you can't begrudge how he spends his money. It will make him look like to dick to the outside world though if you are pottering around in a £2k car whilst his is worth £150k!

[category12]

You should still claim child benefit. It may be assumed that you're benefiting from living with him, but if you're not, I don't see why you should lose that money - he can pay it back out of his money. Why should you be the one losing income?

[courtrai]

@Sunnydaysstillhere

So your income has dropped due to him living there but he doesn't compensate you for this?

It has insofar as I no longer claim child benefit but then he pays 50% of cost of house which houses me and my children.

The ex husband has always been exceptional bad at paying for kids so the current lack of maintenance is nothing to do with my new partner