My fiancé arranged a hook up

[Kirsty2101]

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. We have a beautiful baby together and until yesterday I thought we had it pretty good. He is the love of my life and I can’t imagine being without him. So yesterday I received a message from a girl on Facebook. She basically sent me screenshots of a conversation she’d been having with my fella over 2-3 days. I won’t get into the sordid details but it basically consisted of sexual comments, explicit pictures and he’d sent her a video of himself masturbating. The worst thing is he’d arranged for her to go to his work at his dinner break, told her the exact address, the car park where his car is and arranged to have sex there. He gave her his number and asked her if she had any drugs on her. He knows I’m massively anti drugs, he told her he does coke and weed at work regularly. I feel like my life has been torn apart. He swore he’d never cheat on me. When I confronted him he claimed he knew it was a joke, knew she wouldn’t turn up and was just playing along.sid he doesn’t do drugs he was just saying it as she did. He turned it on me and said I shouldn’t believe a stranger over him. She then told him she’d found my profile on Facebook and knew he wasn’t single. He denied it then eventually begged her not to tell me, he’d do anything. I asked to look at his phone if he’s nothing to hide, he refused and said I should trust his word. He left then. Not a sorry, nothing. I’m completely devastated and don’t know what to do. I never thought he’d do anything like this

[frozendaisy]

@Kirsty2101

Thank you everyone for your replies. I guess you’ve all confirmed what I knew already. I’ve never been in a position where I’m questioning myself on something like this. I realise I’ve been manipulated for that long I’d doubted what I knew was the truth. I don’t have friends to talk to and don’t really have that kind of relationship with my family. I’m terrified of being alone again tbh. Thinking on it now there have been signs he was upto something for a while, I’d just turned a blind eye out of stupidness, gullibility, whatever you want to call it. I have no idea how I’m going to manage on my own. Things like getting to work, paying bills, being lonely etc I’m scared to death. I’m already in massive debt. I’ve just gotten over a really bad period of post natal depression and I’m scared this is going to set that off again. But I know it’s over there’s absolutely no going back from this. He’s not tried to come back yet but he’s been messaging today continuing to lie and deny it all, saying things like “can’t you see I was being set up?” “I’d never cheat on you” etc etc. I’ve no self esteem or self respect but even I know nobody should be treated like this. Thank you again all for taking the time to reply. Sometimes I think having strangers perspective helps, especially when you’re being told over and over that it’s me making the problem

Ok put this into bite sized pieces.

You work, you will be able to pay your essential bills.

There are many debt advice services. Seek one out and establish a repayment plan. It may take time but you can get help.

Use this time to get yourself in a stronger position financially and hopefully being in control will bring your confidence back and you won't spiral again.

He needs to contribute to the baby as well.

Is being alone with your beautiful baby harder than being head-fucked by him?

Look forward, can you do extra study in the evening to progress at work in time?

Take it one step at a time. You will thrive without him, quicker and greater than with him. Stay positive, fill your time with self-improvement, you are just starting off, it's clean slate time. I wish you all the best for your future, make it a bright one and don't let him drag you down.

[Shxx]

What a scumbag atleast you found out now

[Onxob]

*be strong

[Onxob]

Oh gosh what an absolute scumbag I'm so sorry OP

I don't have anything to add except to echo other posters - he's the worst partner imaginable, be stag and get rid.

[SortingItOut]

@Kirsty2101
You are stronger than you think, you can do this on your own.

In terms of income you should hopefully qualify for universal credit.
You claim online so do it this weekend.

If you need help give me a shout.

Also get a claim in for child maintenance.

With regard to your debt there is always options, either use the stepchange website or moneysavingexpert for advice.

I'm happy to help if i can, i work for a charity in the debt sector.

[BlueThistles]

he's putting all of his disgusting behaviour on you OP... horrible cretin .. and your just recovering from PND.. well no wonder living with this creep. Beware because he will get nasty soon... because you are not buying his lies anymore... Sweetheart you can do this.. for your sake and your childs sake.. stay strong and choose You 🌺

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

He's gaslighting you and projecting. This is abusive behavior. And I would bet if you began taking a hard look at your relationship you will begin to spot red flags that you've chosen to ignore.
I'm really sorry you've been put in this position. But I promise you being alone will be alot better for you and your child than to put up with this damaging behaviour from him.
I've been in your position, I made it out and 4 years down the line I'm so much happier

[tissuesforissues]

Honestly OP, you can do this. The fact he's claiming he was 'set up' just makes him look like an even bigger wanker if that's possible.
Hopefully someone will be along with some practical advise about what steps to take but all I know is that when I split from my kids Dad I felt the same panic and fears. A friend said to me then 'this time in a year you'll be so glad you did it' and she was right.
Be kind to yourself, one day at a time.
You've got this

[Kirsty2101]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I guess you’ve all confirmed what I knew already. I’ve never been in a position where I’m questioning myself on something like this. I realise I’ve been manipulated for that long I’d doubted what I knew was the truth. I don’t have friends to talk to and don’t really have that kind of relationship with my family. I’m terrified of being alone again tbh. Thinking on it now there have been signs he was upto something for a while, I’d just turned a blind eye out of stupidness, gullibility, whatever you want to call it. I have no idea how I’m going to manage on my own. Things like getting to work, paying bills, being lonely etc I’m scared to death. I’m already in massive debt. I’ve just gotten over a really bad period of post natal depression and I’m scared this is going to set that off again. But I know it’s over there’s absolutely no going back from this. He’s not tried to come back yet but he’s been messaging today continuing to lie and deny it all, saying things like “can’t you see I was being set up?” “I’d never cheat on you” etc etc. I’ve no self esteem or self respect but even I know nobody should be treated like this. Thank you again all for taking the time to reply. Sometimes I think having strangers perspective helps, especially when you’re being told over and over that it’s me making the problem

[Woolwichgirl]

The fact that he can still deny the extremely obvious just goes to show the kind of human he is..( a lying wanker.)..

Here...Have my first ever LTB

(((Hugs to you)))
You will get through this in time..

[Febo24]

I caught my husband camming, 3 months on and we've separated. I tried to make it work, him less so and so it's over.

You'll be going through losds right now, numbness, denial, anger.

The thing that really did it for me was how he acted in those 3 months, the minimising, denials, lack of effort etc.

Look after yourself first and foremost. Xx

[MrsWooster]

“Hook-up” makes it sounds somehow OK... he is an unfaithful drug user. Is this what you want for you and your child?

[Noshowlomo]

Everything that he is accused of.. he definitely did.

[SoulofanAggron]

What an awful man OP.

Please separate from him and stay that way- if you get back with him he'll only do the same again sooner or later.

[nancybotwinbloom]

Sorry you are going through this but I don't think there can be any other option than to get rid.

You've found all of this out and never suspected anything was amiss. That tells you he is a good liar and will no doubt be extra careful the next time.

You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of worrying if you stay with him.

He is awful. No fella is ever worth you feeling shit about the relationship or wondering what he's getting up to.

Get rid, get over him and get on with your life with your daughter.

Get your CMS claim sorted as they won't backdate it and duck him right off.

[Anotheruser02]

I agree with all of them. Sorry for you and your baby OP

[Dery]

Hi OP - I agree with PP. This is appalling and there’s no coming back from it. And get yourself checked for STIs. It’s unlikely this was his first outing.

What support do you have in real life to help you get through this? Do you have family and/or good friends around? If so: the first step is to get one or two of them over. It will be helpful to you to have some serious support to get you through this and if nothing else they can give you practical help with your lovely little girl.

If your fiancé is still there with you, I suggest you kick him out. Having him around will only add to your pain. And he needs to experience some immediate consequences of his actions.

You will get through this, OP. But of course it is completely devastating right now so accept all the help and support that is offered.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Kick him out. The trust has gone. The relationship will never be the same. Sorry he doesn’t give a shit about you.

[litterbird]

Good grief, I have read some stories on MN that are bad but this has knocked the ball out of the park.. You must be devastated and your brain is going haywire trying to make your life get back to normal as quickly as possible because it hurts so much. I am so sorry, no one can come back from this. Its over. Its awful. There is nothing else to say but take back control and move forward as quickly as possible.

[stillsomewhatsheldonesque]

Sorry. Bold fluff.

[stillsomewhatsheldonesque]

I asked to look at his phone if he’s nothing to hide, he refused and said I should trust his word No.

He turned it on me and said I shouldn’t believe a stranger over him Yes you should.

I wouldn’t ever trust someone who lied to me like that ever again.

And the stranger has no skin in this game to lie over. He has plenty to lose.

You poor bugger. But I’d be off.

The lying is a deal breaker for me, let alone the rest of it.

[BlueThistles]

this unfaithful rat has turned on you because you caught him red handed.

Please OP, this is who he is.. he takes drugs.. he is unfaithful. nobody wants a future with a Skank like this.

[user1471565182]

He'l be back soon to cheerfully announce hes good enough to let you look through his phone (now hes deleted everything) Cant even buy his own drugs the pathetic child.

[SandyY2K]

@frozendaisy

You don't accidentally send a wank-video as a joke.

You don't do you.
Definitely not. It's a deliberate pre-meditated and planned act.

You don't hand over your car's details and precise location as a joke, do you?

Exactly...what if she was a murderer catfishing him.

This kind of man can bring a crazy stalker into your lives, because if his cheating lying behaviour.

If was genuinely a joke he wouldn't have given the right information..if he was playing along.

Even if he won't back down from "it's all a joke" line, you can always say "I don't want to be with a 'man' who does this as just a joke"

Absolutely right. He had a warped idea of what constitutes a joke.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I am really sorry, but this relationship is over and you should do your best now to think of your own and your childs well being.
Not only has he done these things, he hasn't apologised and is now gaslighting you.
I am not sure what your situation is but if you can leave or get him to go than I would. If not and you need time, than spending it wisely and getting yourself ready.
Please do not believe what he has to say or that any of this is down to you. I