Cutting contact with DP

[Nemma96]

I'm really stressed at the moment, me and my DP live separately and have a 8month old DS.

There's a back story but its too long, but would it be wrong of me to turn my phone off for a few days just to give myself time to think if I want to carry on the relationship.

If i turn my phone off he wont have any contact with our DS and won't be able to see him without getting intouch. I also have the risk of him turning up and not giving me space.

I just really need some time to think and get my head straight. What should I do?

[Nemma96]

Yes I understand that he should see his son more but he does not leave the house atm due to his health so the only way he sees him is if i take our DS round.

We will have to sort out contact as we haven't discusses this yet, he only moved out 2 weeks ago

[timeisnotaline]

Also he saw his son everyday but I asked him to move out and now he doesnt live with us so sees our DS through facetime.
This is very low standards op. When he lived in your house he saw his son- would be hard to avoid him surely?! Now he doesn’t, and he just FaceTimes. Separated parents still physically see and look after their children regularly, not just FaceTime.

[Nemma96]

I think im going to have to think about contact. I can drop DS to him for him to have contact but I've never been away from DS so abit nervous. I can also arrange set times but for all this to happen we need to be able to speak calmly and i know us breaking up is going to hurt him

[Enough4me]

You can't carry on like this. Even if you were all fine the constant FaceTiming is there to suit him and messes about with your day. Find a mutually convenient time when FT makes sense, maybe early evening, for him to speak with DS. Take the space around to plan what you want to do now.

Can you plan a pattern for contact and where would that happen?

[Nemma96]

I think that's why I need the few days, to realise that I'm fine and less stressed on my own.

He doesnt have a court order in place and hes not on either BC either so he wouldn't need to sort that.

He tip toes round her because she is so vile that she uses the children but I dont think that should stop him. I've always said I would help him get access and he should be sorting this already because she changes her mind so often. He seems to think her behaviour is normal for her as she use to beat him with a hoover so he thinks I can live with what she does to me as he did.

Its just a mess

[rainbowstardrops]

Yes he absolutely should stand up for you because otherwise, he's going to lose you!

Is there a court order in place for him having access to his other children?

His ex sounds dreadful but he really needs to confront this and sort it.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

It sounds like this relationship Is dead OP. You’ve already asked him to go and you’re now living separately. He hasn’t stood up to his ex so far, why would he start now?

What’s left in this relationship for you? Not talking to him for a few days will only really cement the feeling that you don’t need him as your Dp.

[Palavah]

Why doesn't he take your son for 48 hours so you can have some real headspace and he doesn't need to call?

[Nemma96]

@rainbowstardrops our DS is 8months old.

Hes not milking the situation he is hoping to start working next year if everything goes well health wise. I asked him to leave because his ex was trying to follow us home when we had the children and was asking them for my address which he understood why I dont want her to be able to come to my home.

We have spoken about the ex so many times, he says he knows she is out of order, but whenever I've rang the police or when my midwife rang SS because of everything he has a go at me because she stops him seeing the kids.

I understand he needs to see the kids but he should stand up.for me when she rings and starts saying vile things about me or threating me but he doesnt say anything.

[rainbowstardrops]

How old is your DS?

Also, it's not his fault if he can't work for a medical reason (I assume he's not milking a situation) and it must be hard if he lived with you all but you asked him to leave. Have you sat down and properly discussed the ex?

If you have and he's not supporting you as much as you need then you need to tell him the relationship can't carry on but maybe he can change things?

[Nemma96]

@crystalize you've hit the nail on the head. It is over in my eyes but I do still love him dearly and wish things were different.

I need time to think how to end it on good terms because of DS.

I've messaged him and hes just taking time to reply

[crystalize]

Sorry be in contact after a few days!

[crystalize]

Just text you need time out from contact and you will be in contact for a few days. Soundd like this is over but you're afraid of ending it properly?

[Nemma96]

@timeisnotaline I've made him sound worse then he actually is. He doesnt work because of an health issue and will work as soon as he can.

Also he saw his son everyday but I asked him to move out and now he doesnt live with us so sees our DS through facetime.

The issue with our relationship is with his ex. That he also has 2 children with. There alot of back story, she stalked me, threatened me with a knife and waited outside my old apartments that I had to move, she also threatened to "kick my baby out of me".

He pussy foots around her and acts like she does him a favour letting him speak or even see the kids. I cant cope being with someone who doesn't stand up to someone like that. I cant live life dealing with her forever

[timeisnotaline]

I hope when you’ve made up your mind that you realise there’s no point calling someone dp when the most contact they want with their baby most days is FaceTime, not because they are busy at work but because they can’t be bothered.

[Nemma96]

@anonnnnni If he actually thought about it then he would know but I think he thinks everything is still normal.

I've decide im going to text him and let him know DS is fine and I just need a few days.

I think i have made my mind up regarding the relationship but need to think realistically and make sure its the right decision. I also to think about how I'm going to explain everything to him or just to say its over

[anonnnnni]

Is he aware that you’re reconsidering/evaluating things between you and him?

Irrespective, I think a message along the following lines is fine:

‘Hi, DC is fine/cute/happy doing X this morning. I could use a day or two to have a think about what we’ve spoken about/about things without being disturbed. Grateful if you don’t contact me until tomorrow.’

If he doesn’t respect your request then you have even more to think about in terms of whether you want to be with this man. Judging by your post and the domestic arrangement you describe, I suspect your mind is already made up.

[Givemeabreak88]

Doesn’t sound
Like a relationship anyway tbh.

[Nemma96]

I can day im getting my phone fixed but then he would tell me to use my laptop to message him, and if I say my Internet is down he knows i have Internet on my phone.

He knows were having problems as I said a few issues yesterday that he just kept going round in circles about so he would know something is on my mind

[Nemma96]

no he doesnt have a job.

This is why I need time to think, and other reasons that have been brought up again

[newnameforthis123]

Can't you say you're getting your phone / internet fixed or something if you really can't just say you need a day of space? I've done that before when someone wouldn't get the message.

[category12]

Doesn't he have a job?

So he's an angry, over-bearing, jobless guy?

[Nemma96]

@category12 because hes on his own i guess. I have DS so he doesnt have a reason to wake up early. Not that it changes if he stays over

[category12]

Why's he in bed til midday??

[Nemma96]

He normally like to facetime when he wakes up, which is about midday then wants to facetime a few hours later and then before bed then messages throughout. He hasn't seen our DS in person for just over a week so I doubt he will actually come over. He just likes to facetime

Hes never awake when I wake up. I think i might message him then turn my phone off.

I really do need a few days not talking to him to see if we are meant to be together. Atm I'm such a mess with everything and just feel like everything is going round in circles