He didn’t say he would try and cut down

[trying606]

In the latest argument with H about his drinking and how I’m at my wits end with it all, he didn’t say he would try and cut down or stop. Even though I said how badly it has affected me. I get nervous around people drinking, and hardly enjoy a drink myself anymore. I’ve even started having actual nightmares about his drinking. I worked out he is drinking between 10-15 units every night.

In the past he has said I’ll try, I know I need to cut down. Did he not say it this time because he knows he can’t? Or that he just doesn’t want to? Or doesn’t care?

It’s been a really hard couple of years, his drinking really ground me down, but I have started to find myself again with counselling. I have made some plans re leaving. I keep flipping between ‘it’ll all be ok’ and just finding the whole situation really hard.

I can’t be bothered challenging him about his drinking because I’m worn out with the arguments about it. He has said that if I get upset it means he drinks, so I have tried to suppress my feelings, but he still drinks. We had a disagreement about something minor recently but the way he spoke to me was awful, and I cried, in the back of mind I was worried that he probably going to drink too much tonight, and he did. It’s just a nightmare. Last night, I was sat thinking how many times I have felt genuinely happy recently, and it isn’t many.

Covid is slowing everything down for getting a job so progress is slow. I just want to be happy again.

[trying606]

Thanks for the links, I will take a look.

[trying606]

I want to break away and make a change, today has been awful and I’ve been thinking about how things would be different if I left him, it would ha e been a much better day. I just need a job first so that I can afford somewhere to live. I know Me and Dc could stay in the family home but I honestly can’t bear the thought of that, knowing how difficult he will be.

[Iamuhtredsonofuhtred]

You’re struggling to leave because you’re co-dependent- what used to be called co-addiction. Your life and emotions are tied up with him and his drinking. I know because I’ve been there myself. Something will happen and you’ll realise that you have no choice but to leave, and that day will be the first day of the rest of your life. As long as you stay with him you’ll be deep into the chaos, the denial, the enabling, the control. Your mental health will be shattered if it isn’t already. Going no/low contact is the ONLY way to heal.

[MadeForThis]

He's an alcoholic and he doesn't want to stop. That's his decision.

Wether you stay is your decision.

I wouldn't expect him to change. Just decide if you want to raise your dc in this environment.

You can't change him or save him. You can only save yourself.

[Mix56]

Does will get up & drive the next morning? he will still be over the limit.

[timeisnotaline]

After you leave you can tell him he can stop drinking now since you were causing it apparently.
You know he won’t. You know it’s not you.

[pointythings]

OP, may I suggest you find some support from people who have been where you are now?

There are some good links here: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Most organisations have moved online so you should be able to find a group to attend. Al-Anon is the obvious one, but it isn't for everyone due to its association with AA and the 12 step programme, but there are others - you will find one that works for you.

Finding support from a group is what helped me take the hard decisions - to end the marriage, to insist that he move out after a bout of drunken behaviour that scared my DD2 (up to this point I had agreed we could live in the same house until the divorce was sorted). It helped me set boundaries and detach from him emotionally. You need that support too.

[ThePlantsitter]

Trying to have a reasoned argument with an alcoholic is utterly pointless.

They lie and they think you don't know they're lying. They defend alcohol as if it were a friend. And then they forget the whole conversation so you have to start again.

You can't stop him drinking, you can only leave. The sooner you realise that the Jess painful and destructive it will be. Sorry op

[letsdolunch321]

Sadly, he is not in a relationship with you, he is in a relationship with alcohol.

PleAse think of yourself and your children, seriously consider leaving as this is not a life for you or them.

[trying606]

So we had another minor disagreement yesterday and last night he had about 20 units. I’m just so sad this morning, obviously he’s got up and pretended nothing is wrong, acting like I’m the one with the problem etc.

[trying606]

I’m starting to realise that he’s not that bothered about changing, and maybe he’s fed up with our relationship too as I think he knows the reasons why it isnt going well, but maybe doesn’t want to face up to it. Fingers crossed something will come up job wise for me and then I’ve got some financial independence.

[pointythings]

I'm sorry, but you are living with an addict. I've been where you are now, and it didn't end well. He loves alcohol more than he loves you.

People have a very inaccurate and stereotypical picture of what alcoholics are - the person who starts their day with booze and can't go a single day without. The truth is much more complex and it's perfectly possible for someone to be able to stop for periods of time and still be an alcoholic.

This will get worse too. Unless he realises he needs to never drink again, the only way is down. I stayed with my addict for far too long and my DDs are still paying for it two years after his death. Take this seriously and don't be me.

[IronNeonClasp]

Unfortunately until he recognises his own problem and reaches rock bottom you won't even be factored in to any of his thinking. He's in love with his own drug so it's up to you to take control of your life. Addicts don't see it until they lose everything. You are just another voice telling him not to do something which is the only thing he wants to do. Sometimes it's repairable other times not but you need to think about this from a more 'outside' perspective - you and your part in it and what you want from this very short life.

[Ilady]

I have to be honest with you he is a functioning alcohol. Once you mentioned what is happening with his liver that's a warning sign that he needs to stop drinking. He also knows you want him to stop drinking but is unwilling to make any effort to do this.
You know that you can't continue like this but it not easy to walk away. You need to say to yourself I deserve better than this. Also he is unwilling to change despite knowing you want him to stop.

I had a friend who got involved with a heavy drinker aged 20 and got pregnant at 21. She had 3 children with him. She spent a few year's trying to get him to stop drinking. Their was money their for his drinking but no money towards the rent, bills ect. She got sick of fighting with him and him making no effort to change so she kicked him out. She now has a good job. 2 of her 3 children have degrees and good job. Her 3rd child is in college.

[trying606]

That is another way of looking at it I suppose. However, he has bought larger containers of beer since that, and has nearly finish them. We had family to stay recently, and he thinks he can get away with more then, so he was sloshing it back.

[category12]

His drinking has nothing to do with you. He would find another excuse.

[Sacredspace]

I think it’s quite positive that he’s not promising you something that he’s not able to deliver. Perhaps he is finally aware of the true scale of his issue. So in a funny kind of way he may be closer to recovery than he’s ever been x

[trying606]

Thankyou. It’s like I’m realising some of these things for the first time even though I’ve been doing counselling for a while.

[Eckhart]

Because he's been manipulating your emotions and you've been suppressing them as a result. It's bound to feel like a big frustrating traffic jam backlog bottleneck of feelings, and you're bound to feel like you don't know which way is up.

It sounds like you've taken on all of the responsibility of saving the relationship, so walking away would feel like failing in your responsibility.

The mistake is to feel responsible to your relationship at the expense of your responsibility to take care of your own wellbeing. He looks after him (and does whatever the hell he likes, consequences be damned), and now you have to do the same for you. A relationship is something to be in because it makes your life even better than being single. Not a burden you have to drag along behind you.

[RepDom21]

I think he needs assistance to stop drinking. If he’s an alcoholic (functioning) does your husband work OP? He can’t just cut down like that even if he wanted to most people would lapse. How long has he been drinking for?

I agree with the poster make your choice OP either walk or stay.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Time to leave now. Enough.

[Holothane]

Get ducks in a row and leave it will never get any better, you’ll spend your life worrying nightmares I used to have them about ex’s drinking still have them today but at least today I wake up to a happier life. Hugs masses of them.

[trying606]

Thanks for all your messages. I’m just so frustrated and want to make a change for the better. I need to build the courage to do it, after everything I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to break away.

[Mix56]

This will also effect your DC, their lives will evolve around his moods, his slurring, your hurt, anger.
Cut this short now, & remember he will probably make promises to stop. You will have to say, stay sober for 6 months then I will revise.
Leave asap.

[HelenUrth]

"He has said that if I get upset it means he drinks, so I have tried to suppress my feelings, but he still drinks. We had a disagreement about something minor recently but the way he spoke to me was awful, and I cried, in the back of mind I was worried that he probably going to drink too much tonight, and he did."

He is trying to train you to believe it's your fault when he drinks. He's nearly there. You have an argument over something minor and then you worry will he drink, while he's rubbing his hands together that tonight he has an excuse to drink. Not that he needs one, he will please himself, not you.

His primary relationship is with alcohol. You are way down below this. You cannot change him. You can only change the way you behave.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father (also a narc mother, but that's another story), I would appeal to you to separate, not just for your sake, but for the sake of your children.