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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I double barrell daughters surname?

54 replies

FirstTimeMum1991 · 11/09/2020 16:43

Hi all, you have all been a huge source of support to me over 2020. My husband had a devastating affair throughout my pregnancy, I thought I would do whatever it took to make it work but he carried it on and I have now found the strength to walk away. My daughter will be 7 weeks old next week and I am registering her birth. I will be putting him on the birth certificate but I need some advice whether to double barrell her surname or just give her mine. He says now he wants to be in her life (after meeting her once in 7 weeks he already thinks he’s dad of the year) and I will support that but my gut feeling is as the weeks go on he will make less and less effort, if it’s possible to make less effort that is.

I want her to have the link to him and his family but also want to protect her for her future. What do you all suggest?

Xx

OP posts:

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johnd2 · 12/09/2020 12:16

My surname as a middle name is what we have done. Changing names is not possible for any reason in my wife's country so her legal name on her passport will always be her birth name. And given she carried and fed our baby from birth it seemed odd to expect my surname in primary position.
I also hate double barrel and i don't think our baby would thank us for the hassle so we just went for middle name.
Be prepared for the registrar to be like " oh really are you sure about that" at the end of the day it's your choice.
The other comment i would make is it's a legal official document of truth not a contract, so don't be tempted to lie about anything as firstly it could be a criminal offence and secondly it could be challenged in court and corrected in a way that's not favourable. You can't wipe out the fact of paternity or maternity by lying or omitting information from a birth certificate.
I am not a lawyer though!!

Feminist10101 · 12/09/2020 10:57

My DD has my surname (never changed) as a middle name. Have travelled all over the world with her for the past decade and have never had any issues.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/09/2020 10:42

@londonscalling

Definitely your surname. If your child's surname isn't the same as yours then it can cause all sorts of problems when you travel abroad!

Also, if he's been having an affair throughout your pregnancy, I don't feel he should really have any say in the name you choose!

Personally I don't like double barrelled surnames, but that's just my view!

I completely agree that children should have their mother's surname but mine doesn't and this really isn't true. I just carry a photo of his birth certificate in my phone and that's it.

Iloveme30 · 12/09/2020 10:08

I double barrelled all my children. After my divorce (I'm now remarried) it just got messy .
I'd stick with just yours . Sort all access through court on paper . Good luck 😉

londonscalling · 12/09/2020 09:37

Definitely your surname. If your child's surname isn't the same as yours then it can cause all sorts of problems when you travel abroad!

Also, if he's been having an affair throughout your pregnancy, I don't feel he should really have any say in the name you choose!

Personally I don't like double barrelled surnames, but that's just my view!

Florencex · 12/09/2020 09:22

@copperoliver

I would not put him on the Birth certificate that gives him rights he doesn't seem to deserve.
I Would give her my surname and leave him out the picture as much as possible. X

Being named on the birth certificate will not give him any more rights than he already has, as they are married. In meantime she has a lifetime with no father on her birth certificate.

OP, give her the same surname as you have or intend to have. Note he can also go and register the birth so I would have done this by now.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/09/2020 08:57

Honestly, I don't know. I was married abroad and when we registered DS they just asked if we were married or not. Didn't check anything or ask for proof. I'd guess you could quite easily lie if you were minded to.

emilybrontescorsett · 12/09/2020 08:13

You can give a child any name you like, that apples to surname as well as first names.
You will be asked if you are married so I would definitely put the fathers name on but use your surname.

Feminist10101 · 12/09/2020 07:56

@CodenameVillanelle

He can go to court to ASK to have his surname added but he won't necessarily get it
He WILL get parental responsibility so no point leaving him off the BC though presumably she could, as there is no way of the registrar knowing she's married when she turns up

DEFINITELY give her your name and revert to using yours ASAP. You can do a deed poll declaration online for pennies - you shouldn't have to but it makes things easier

Won’t the registrar be adding the birth to the same resource the marriage is registered in?

meditrina · 12/09/2020 07:11

I will be registering her alone, with COVID restrictions only one of you can go anyway. Without him there can I still put down whatever surname I choose?

Yes

And it should be yours, as you expect to be in a separate household unit and your DC mainly with you (at least to begin with). It's traditional to have their mothers name (which matches the father only when married). I think this is a time to be traditional.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/09/2020 06:01

He can go to court to ASK to have his surname added but he won't necessarily get it
He WILL get parental responsibility so no point leaving him off the BC though presumably she could, as there is no way of the registrar knowing she's married when she turns up

DEFINITELY give her your name and revert to using yours ASAP. You can do a deed poll declaration online for pennies - you shouldn't have to but it makes things easier

RedRumTheHorse · 12/09/2020 05:31

@dementedpixie

I'm not sure that's true. Do you have a link as to how they can do that?

Clearly you haven't or don't know someone whose been involved in Child Arrangements.

Anyway the OP said he's happy for the child to only have her lastname. I suspect it's because the child is a girl.

PicsInRed · 11/09/2020 22:27

He can go to court before the child goes to school or in the first couple of years, and get his lastname added so their child has a double barrelled lastname.

Well God does love a trier.

Doesn't seem a good reason to just give up and not do best for herself and child now, though, eh? Doubt he'd get a double barrel if he's fucked off and had little input - so probably best to to start off naming as he's already indicated he'll continue...with all of the OP and none of him.

AnnaSW1 · 11/09/2020 22:24

Just give her your surname

dementedpixie · 11/09/2020 22:16

I'm not sure that's true. Do you have a link as to how they can do that?

RedRumTheHorse · 11/09/2020 22:13

@PicsInRed

Yes, OP, put your own ("maiden") surname as both your surname and the baby's surname.

That is what you both will be known by.

Do this asap, before he works out he can register by himself.

He can go to court before the child goes to school or in the first couple of years, and get his lastname added so their child has a double barrelled lastname.

PicsInRed · 11/09/2020 19:28

Yes, OP, put your own ("maiden") surname as both your surname and the baby's surname.

That is what you both will be known by.

Do this asap, before he works out he can register by himself.

Tavannach · 11/09/2020 19:18

OP doesnt have a choice about putting him on the bc. They're still legally married.

EasterIssland · 11/09/2020 18:46

@copperoliver

I would not put him on the Birth certificate that gives him rights he doesn't seem to deserve.
I Would give her my surname and leave him out the picture as much as possible. X

They’re married So he gets parental responsability.

Op I’d put your surname only. If he’s not going to be in her life much there is not much point of it. If you change your mind you can always change it to both in the future

emilybrontescorsett · 11/09/2020 18:44

I would put him on the bc but give your baby your surname.

RandomMess · 11/09/2020 18:39

Just yours

Double barrelled is a pain

You could list his surname as a middle name.

dementedpixie · 11/09/2020 18:33

Would it not just be blank rather than say unknown? Do whatever you feel comfortable doing

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FunTimes2020 · 11/09/2020 18:27

Give her your surname only (your maiden name) but put him on the birth certificate. Wouldn't it say unknown otherwise? Rightly or wrongly he is her father and yes we don't know if he will step up or not but Mumsnet have already decided he is going to be a crap father forever. Hopefully he won't be and he will step up.

BletheringHeights · 11/09/2020 18:23

Your married name is just an assumed name really, you’re always entitled to use your birth name.

Just bring your birth certificate with you maybe?

Tavannach · 11/09/2020 18:18

You give the name that is intended for the child to be known by. As pp says you can make it up. "Betty Brightstar" if you like.

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