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Relationships

Is this really me overthinking and being sensitive or is it abuse

143 replies

23andttcx · 09/09/2020 13:07

LONG POST !!

Been with my boyfriend 2 years.
The beginning of the relationship was very fast moving. He swept me off my feet made me feel very special and beautiful, sent me long texts early on in the relationship saying how he had met the love of his life and how he was going to marry me. I did think it was abit soon but just thought I had met my soul mate.
I had also just come out of a very violent relationship with my ex partner so I was wary Of my new partner but he seemed genuine so I went for it..
A few months in I started to realise that my partner was very domineering and thought very highly of himself. He always wanted to be in control of everything. He would make me nice dinners and do romantic things for me but he always wanted me to show my family members and friends so that they knew he treated me well, it got very annoying after a while and I eventually told him ‘can we just enjoy this one meal with out having to take pictures to show my mum?!‘ he spent 5 minutes taking pictures of our meal and the candles he had lit to send to my mum to show her how romantic he had made it for me and by the time I got to eat it it was cold !!! He did this every time with everything just to show people on the outside he was good to me!
Another example is we had booked a holiday and a few days prior I had gone to the shops, I came back and he had packed my whole case and closed it for me ready to go with all my toiletries in his case closed tight that he had chosen? I was confused when I got back and told him that I did not want him to pack my case I’m a young girl and I was going to pack my own?! He said I was a horrible person and extremely ungrateful for his help , said we were over and he was going to take someone else instead of me and he left the house and didn’t come back for 8 hours !! He did come back and we forgot about it in fact I had to apologise ?

In every day life he acts like he knows absolutely everything ! When he speaks to me or tells me things he says They are FACTS never his opinion .
He re worded my whole essay when I asked him if it sounded ok before I submitted it because apparently it didn’t sound right and he could word it better than me because he’s more intelligent , he’s older than me so he knows more than me.

One day I was speaking to my mum on FaceTime And she asked me how I had slept, I said not well as my partner had been up scratching all night (he has bad eczema) . My partner absolutely flipped . He said i am a fat ugly useless wh* who can’t do anything I am dumb and am rubbish in bed apparently as stiff as ironing board hence why I can never make him ejaculate , I have so much rolls on my belly and that I have a beard ( I have polycystic ovary syndrome :( ) and I need to get myself checked out in the doctors because I can’t even do the most natural thing and get pregnant so I’m a waste of a life. I went to my mums as I was really upset only to come back and find that he had taken everything from my home the sofa the furniture even the knives and forks, my son had to sit on the floor! He even took my sons school bag. He took the underwear back that he bought me my perfume my makeup he smashed pictures of us in my room and left the glass there, he went onto my tv and logged out of the Netflix so that I couldn’t watch it. It’s like as if he really wanted my life to be shit without him, he left me And my son with nothing in our own home! He even sarcastically left me a ‘life with depression’ book on the side that was the only thing left downstairs.

We got back after this silly enough because I genuinely believed him that it was all my fault because apparently I should never of spoken that way about his eczema and made a fool out of him to my mum.

He promises he would never call me names again but it has not stopped. He calls me a ‘mong’ all the time I front of my son and when I say stop calling me that he tells me to stop acting like a MONG then again.

He asks me why I’m so miserable I told him I find it hard to be comfortable without clothes on in front of you because of the nasty names you call me fat etc.. he said I’m way too sensitive and I need to get off my high horse and into the real world I need to get over myself and stop letting him hurt my big ego!

He also never listens to me when I’m talking and he cuts across me 24/7 . This is not in arguments it’s in every day life. It’s like whatever I am saying is not interesting. If I’m telling him something he tells me to skip to the point because I take too long explaining .

Over the 2 years we have been together he has told me that I can’t drive he is better at driving than me even though Iv been driving for 6 years and passed my driving test with 0 minors first time . He’s been driving for 3 years and has had 2-3 crashes. But this was not his fault apparently.!
He has told me that my job as a dental nurse is for a ‘mong’ anybody can do it and it requires no skills or GCSE’s . He is a car sales man but his job takes so much more intelligence than mine lol
He’s told me that I have no friends At all because I am a horrible person and that my mum and dad wipe my arse for me
HeS told me multiple times over the 2 years that I act like the world owes me something and it does not!
He’s told me that I cannot clean my house.
He apparently does absolutely everything here, let me tell you he does not but In his head he genuinely thinks he does?
He tells me that we are living off his money and that I never pay for anything ? This is another lie
He makes out to my family that he is amazing to me but they really don’t see the truth as all they see is these fancy pictures !!!!
He watches teen porn on his phone all the time also step sister porn when he had a young step sister.
He tells me that no wonder my ex partner battered me because I ask for it because my mouth is too big for my own good and I’m lucky he’s not violent otherwise he would of killed me by now!
He tells me that his mum doesn’t like me because of the way I treat him
It’s like he plays mind games for example a couple of times we’ve been going out on date night and I come down the stairs dressed and ready to leave and he says ‘what are you going to wear?’ And i say this is what I’m wearing clearly I just said I’m ready and I’m ready to leave ? It makes me feel like my outfit is not nice and I need to get changed .. when I explained this he said I was absolutely crazy and he can’t deal with me anymore?
He denies absolutely everything even if Iv got proof of it for example texts to a girl on his phone he says the phone must of done it on his own!
In the end he’s turned me insane and I’m questioning my own insanity and he says I need to be sectioned.
The other day he said his dad bought a new car on finance £400 a month, I said that’s very nice but it’s different for your dad he can afford it as he’s a single man kids all grown up we’re a family with a young child.. he absolutely bit my head off and said ‘how dare you try and brainwash me I am no different to my father just because I am with you if I want a £400 a month car I will get one you’re trying to brainwash me that I will not be able to afford a car’ I was gobsmacked? I was genuinely just passing a comment on how his dad was more able to afford a car that costs the same as a mortgage because he’s older with no other responsibilities wether as we are a young couple starting out with a young child .... I just couldn’t even look at him after as it turned into a blazing argument
There is so many other things like these that go on and I just can’t cope anymore

I’m honestly at my wits end with this man he is honestly making me so depressed . I asked him to leave my home and he hasn’t left .
Don’t get me wrong we do have good times and he does call me beautiful and we do have sex and watch films together and go for nice walks and have good days. But am I really being this ‘overly sensitive pathetic person who needs to grow up and stop letting his insults hurt my ego by getting the fuck over them’ or is this true emotional abuse ?!?!

Thank you ever so much for taking time to read my post I did sit here and type is angrily as I remembered all these times . And it does make me sound so stupid but he is so adamant that I am a rubbish girlfriend and I won’t cope with out him and that I’m making all of this up

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Dery · 17/09/2020 16:27

Terrific to hear that you've got rid of him. And you should definitely write about your experiences - even if only as a record for yourself but it could also be turned into something very helpful for other people.

Of course you remember the good times and the periods when he treated you well. This is why I'm increasingly convinced that the measure of a good long-term relationship is not how good it feels when things are going well. Even abusers have periods of treating their partners well in fact the good times can feel enhanced in an abusive relationship because of the relief of being treated well by a partner who is often nasty and because abusers can lovebomb like there's no tomorrow. This can lead to trauma-bonding between the abuser and his partner.

I think the true measure of a good relationship is how the relationship feels when you're going through a rough patch. My relationship with DH is lovely when it's going well and a bit meh when we're going through a rough patch, but it's never desperate, miserable, scary, wretched etc the way an abusive relationship can be.