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Relationships

Should I be taking Child maintenance from my ex husband when he has no access to child?

28 replies

Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 15:19

Is it morally wrong for me to be getting child maintenance from my stbex for his child that I stopped him having access too? He could have applied to court for access but hasn’t in 9 months. He can afford to but just hasn’t.

He was abusive and I stopped contact on the advice of SS and others. It took many months to finally get CM from him so went through the service but now I’m not sure it’s right I get it...is it?

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Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 21:49

Yes that very much was the dynamic of our relationship and it’s hard to break those ties. I can hear him now saying I’m paying for her so that’s means I love her and it makes me wonder if I’m just being a morally bad person. He also when he saw her before contact stopped bought her loads of gifts and babbled on about how she was her princess but did bugger all of the real stuff. My idea of love has been twisted. He could easily pay to go to court which he says he can’t when he pays all that money on alcohol a month. I think he wants the love and adoration from her but not the actual hard work of raising her.

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RantAndDec · 03/09/2020 20:25

As others have said, yes you should take the money.
I felt like this about my DC's father, until someone pointed out to me that this was just a continuation of the dynamic we'd had in our relationship- he behaved badly, and somehow I'd always end up feeling sorry for him and absolving him of responsibility /guilt. Not saying that's the case for you, but am mentioning it in case, because that realisation has been very liberating for me.

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MyCatHatesEverybody · 03/09/2020 20:20

If SS have advised contact should be stopped then it's not your decision or responsibility that he can't see his child so there's nothing morally wrong about you pursuing and accepting child maintenance payments.

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SandyY2K · 03/09/2020 20:06

*in your child's best interest

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SandyY2K · 03/09/2020 20:06

I'm sure if SS advised no contact.. then it's on your child's best interests.

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athousandwords · 03/09/2020 19:09

He brought this life into the world - he is responsible for providing for their needs - including housing, clothing and feeding them, all of which YOU are doing.

Not seeing his child does not negate his responsibilities.

If you are uneasy, save the money for their future.

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SoulofanAggron · 03/09/2020 18:36

Of course you're entitled to that money. It's not money men give in exchange for something, it's money they're required to give to help support the day to day upkeep of their child, for which you are paying.

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fuandylp · 03/09/2020 18:30

Yes, you should be taking CM.
Your ex created that child along with you therefore he is jointly responsible for ensuring the child's needs are met.

If he wishes to apply to the courts for access then he can do that and they can decide.
Meanwhile, your child still needs to eat etc.

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Minimumstandard · 03/09/2020 18:05

It is always in the child's best interest to be financially supported by both parents. It is not always in the child's best interests to have contact with both parents. The two matters are entirely separate.

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Mintjulia · 03/09/2020 17:33

The money isn't yours, it is your child's. He or she still needs food, clothes, shoes, books. That doesn't change just because the father was abusive. Of course you should claim on their behalf.

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Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 17:29

Well he says he can’t afford to go to court regarding contact but I’ve just recently received his form E and he spends well over £500 each month at the pub or at the local shop buying alcohol each day. But apparently he is suffering from stress and depression because he can’t see his daughter!

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timetest · 03/09/2020 16:54

Do make sure you get what your child is entitled to. If he wants to, he can pursue contact through the courts. That he hasn’t done this in 9 months speaks volumes.

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Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 16:49

I guess that for now at least he is actually paying..for how long remains to be seen!

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Chloemol · 03/09/2020 16:19

First it’s not you stopping him from seeing his child, it’s his actions and a consequence of those actions that is stopping him

Second it is absolutely correct that you claim CM from him as he still has a responsibility to provide for his child, even though his actions have stopped him being able to see the child

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Nicelunch25 · 03/09/2020 16:14

He will say you are unreasonable as a way of continuing his abuse but you are 100% not unreasonable in expecting him to provide for the child he helped to create.

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DeRigueurMortis · 03/09/2020 16:13

Tip it on its head OP....

What behaviours would it encourage in some utterly reprehensible men if the prevailing attitude of society and the CMS was that they were relieved of their financial responsibility to their children as a result of their abuse?

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category12 · 03/09/2020 15:59

Does your child no longer eat or need clothing or shelter because their dad doesn't see them?

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Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 15:56

Ok thanks!

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GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/09/2020 15:43

@Changedmynamelots

It is his behaviour that is stopping him, not you stopping him.

He should still pay for his child irrespective of that.

This^
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Changedmynamelots · 03/09/2020 15:40

It is his behaviour that is stopping him, not you stopping him.

He should still pay for his child irrespective of that.

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Mumski45 · 03/09/2020 15:32

No it is not you that is stopping him. I am assuming that because you have good reasons it is his own behaviour which is stopping him from seeing his child. You are just being the responsible parent who is safeguarding your Dc and putting their interests first.

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Fightingback16 · 03/09/2020 15:27

Ok, I was just thinking because it is me effectively who is stopping him (for good reasons).

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Mummybiscuitx · 03/09/2020 15:26

Following as in exactly the same position as you OP

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titchy · 03/09/2020 15:25

Does your child eat fresh air, wear no clothes, not use any heating or electricity or water and sleep on your doorstep then?

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OverTheRubicon · 03/09/2020 15:24

No, rather! It's absolutely reasonable.

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