How on earth do you talk about sex?!

[NNN20]

Some of you may find this weird but I cannot talk to my husband about sex. Well, more accurately he won't talk to me about sex.

We've been together 16 almost 17 years. We got together at 17 & 18 and lost our virginities together. I'd had another boyfriend before hand but our experience didn't go beyond kissing and over the top of clothes fumbling whereas my husband hadn't even kissed anyone else.

We took a while to work up to him being ready for sex, about 6 months, though within 3 months together we were doing everything else so I took it to be a confidence thing.

When we'd had a few drinks he'd be a lot more loosened up and open to trying more things and as a result we did most things and the sex was plentiful and pretty damn good for inexperienced teenagers.

Over the years to due to general life (ie kids, houses, work) the quantity of sex has declined rapidly to about once a month at best, once every 6 months at worst.

I'm the first to admit that I've always wanted it more than him. Now whether this is a confidence thing or not I don't know. But I feel a bit embarrassed about this. I'd quite happily have some form of sex every day, whereas he's admitted he's not that bothered anymore and doesn't want it that much.

I told him I want (and crave) a lot more sex than we are having. He just said he doesn't feel the urge for it and when we do have sex it's boring. I then asked him what we can do to improve things but he just won't talk about it, he says he can't. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wanking alone when I'd much rather my husband made me feel that way.

We were so regular once and enjoyed it so much and now it's like he doesn't want it and this his enthusiasm was all for show and to keep me happy. He will go and brush his teeth, wash his hands and have a shower immediately after sex too which makes me feel dirty and disgusting. There is no need to do this as I shower each night before bed so it's not as if I smell (or taste ) bad surely?!

Any advice for someone who's stuck at what to do next? How on earth can I get him to talk more?

I feel ashamed and embarrassed and feel like a sex pest and pervert for wanting sex this much, typically it's the man with the high sex drive. I've spoken to my friends and they say they wish their husbands wanted it less so I feel the odd one out.

What do I do?

Ps: please don't move this to the sex topic as I've not been a member long enough. I used to be a long time member but shut my account down when it got hacked and had to rejoin. Thanks

[NNN20]

Not happy now but we used to be.

I wish I knew what changed.

Currently I'm watching tv in the bedrooms, he's watching tv downstairs. When he comes to bed he will be on his phone and barely talk to me. It feels like he's checked out but doesn't want to be the bad guy by leaving

[PicaK]

Are you happy? No. So something has to change.
You husband has got his head stuck in the sand. I would suggest...
Phone up relate and book an appointment for the 2 of you. You may have to join the wait list so get it booked in.
Read up about divorce - wikivorce and Gov website are good places to start. Check out divorce application so you can see you already have grounds and ring fence the £550 fee.
Then about a week before the appointment you can sit down and tell him how important this issue is to you. He either goes with you or you divorce him. If he calls your bluff, fill in the application for nisi. (You're not divorced til you or he apply for the absolute.)
It would be a shame to throw away a good marriage because he can't talk. They tend to talk about "intimacy" and emotions rather than actual physical acts unless you are comfortable with that.

[NNN20]

It's such a shame. I think I'm going to have such a serious talk with him about it all

[Branleuse]

[quote NNN20]@Branleuse I just can't see why he wanted it so much in the beginning. Unless it was to keep me [/quote]
I think some people are really into sex in the begining of relationships. They like the novelty etc and want to impress and enjoy a new person, but they dont have enough imagination or passion to maintain excitement with familiarity.
Its a shame. I think being intimate and really knowing someone long term is really hot. Admittedly its different than those heady first few months or years, but there is nothing wrong with you still wanting a sex life. Youve got bloody decades ahead of you

[NNN20]

@Branleuse I just can't see why he wanted it so much in the beginning. Unless it was to keep me

[madcatladyforever]

I've found with previous relationships that men won't talk at all until the day you walk out then all of a sudden they want to go to counselling when it's way too late.

[Branleuse]

[quote NNN20]@Branleuse if he was asexual though we wouldn't have ever been active in the bedroom would we?![/quote]
Not necessarily. I think loads of people start off having sex but they were never big fans. Or else just have a really low libido.
I do feel for you. My ex husband was like this. My self esteem was through the floor with the constant rejection.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

I think it's the pregnancy thing. I think he is scared of that and maybe it goes deeper than just fear of you getting pregnant but his association with pregnancy itself. Dificult labour, then loss, then unexpected pregnancy at a later stage. I know these things happened to you too, and more importantly your body, but we all react differently. Have you ever tried to broach the sibject from this angle.
Ultimately op you have 3 options. Continue to try and talk to him to get to the bottom of it.
Put up and shut up (for want of a better term, sorry)
Or leave

[GreenRoadSigns]

Really sorry OP but it doesn't sound good. Start divorce proceedings, tell him very plainly why, and in the unlikely event that he shoots off to get himself counselling and a vasectomy you may or may not feel like reconsidering (although there's still a chance that you would feel "so he could have done this earlier but didn't" :( ).

The worry about body confidence etc is groundless - look around you - people of all shapes and sizes are in happy relationships.

[NNN20]

@Babdoc you are right. I can't see how anyone else would ever fancy me, a slightly overweight mum of 2 with a c section pouch, glasses and frizzy hair. I can't see why he ever fancied me to begin with, unless it was to get laid and then I got pregnant accidentally 3 years in and then he felt trapped maybe?

[NNN20]

@missmoz it's not even as if it's a priority to me, I'm just wondering why he doesn't want me anymore as the rejection is hurting me. Even once a week would be fabulous at this stage

[NNN20]

@gemsgv I've never said he's in the wrong. What is wrong in my situation is his refusal to talk about it or admit anything is wrong. If he told me why I may be able to deal with it. At the moment so many thoughts are going around my head, he doesn't fancy me, he's cheating, he's ill, he's gay. Etc etc etc. All of this is taking a toll on my mental health, constant rejection is hideous

[NNN20]

@Branleuse if he was asexual though we wouldn't have ever been active in the bedroom would we?!

[Babdoc]

OP, I think seeing a counsellor by yourself, and working on building up your confidence and self esteem, would be a good move.
The years of rejection by your husband have undermined you, so you now seem to think that no man would ever fancy you again.
You need to change this mindset, and realise that the rejection is down to him, not you.
If you went on a dating site looking for sex, you would be inundated with replies.
There is an old joke that men need to provide flowers, dinner and a night out in order to get laid.
Women just need to turn up (possibly with beer, pizza, or naked!) Most men are simple creatures and would be grateful for a nice shag. It’s only abusers or control freaks who would nitpick your appearance or technique!
Don’t let the situation with your husband fester on for more years of unhappiness. You need to find a resolution that will make you happy, and a counsellor can help you find your way to that. Good luck.

[xtinak]

@gemsgv but you have to take into consideration the context. Unfortunately women are less likely to be the ones holding various sorts of power in the dynamic, so the situation is rarely equivalent. That's the society we live in. Furthermore I'm not actually sure if it's even possible for it to ever be equivalent because the embodied experience of sex is never going to be the same for men and women.

[missmoz]

Not really gemsgv, this site is full of threads of women whose partners pressure them for sex, often soon after having birth, or when they're exhausted from doing more than they're fair share etc.

I think that's totally different from wanting to at least discuss having sex more than once a month...if anyone, man or woman, basically ended sex within a relationship for a non medical reason I think it would be up for discussion and the other person has a right to revaluate the relationship. Sex isn't a right, but it is a priority for a lot of people.

[User856334967]

@gemsgv

Why don't you start a thread talking about that then? I actually agree with you , some advice on threads vary to a massive degree based on the sex of the poster and it really annoys me.

I believe that neither a man or a woman has the right to withhold sex in a monogamous relationship without talking about it and explaining why. But nevertheless it's not the OPs responsibility to not ask for support because she's a woman.

[gemsgv]

what gets me with these threads is that if the man wants it more, the man is in the wrong and if the woman wants it more, the man is in the wrong

[Branleuse]

Maybe hes asexual or gay.
I think its a lot to expect you to live like this, especially so young.

[User856334967]

I've been thinking about this OP and I honestly think the next step you should make for yourself is counselling. Just for you. You sound so ground down by the rejection. It's not right that this is happening as it is. It's one thing not to want sex but to me there is a lot more here, some elements of control that don't sit right with me.

I remember reading a thread ages ago where a male poster was talking to a female poster who had a higher sex drive than her partner , he said that some men withhold sex in this circumstance as a form of control. And this, amongst other things is starting to concern me. I really think you should get some counselling for yourself.

[xtinak]

It's so so tough if he's not willing to open up an honest conversation about everything. You need to let him know that you can't go on as things are.

[cabernetchampignon]

Have you tried this approach ?

"Are you fundamentally interested in trying to make things work or is this going to be the status quo for the rest of our lives"?

If the former then you can ask him what would work for him.

[NNN20]

@Pandacub7 his mum and dad have had separate rooms the whole time I've been together. That's all I know

[Pandacub7]

What was his upbringing like? Was he brought up to believe sex is just for procreation? If he’s so fearful of getting you pregnant then he really needs to have a vasectomy. It’s his responsibility too. Another reason could be that he just doesn’t fancy you anymore seeing as he doesn’t even kiss you. Decide what you truly want, best of luck

[GingerFigs]

Agree with @MrsMcTats

There are lots of responses on psychological/physical issues which I won't repeat. Instead I'll share my experience. I was your DH in this scenario, I didn't want sex with HIM. We'd been together a long time and I just didn't fancy him anymore. As a PP said, taking sex off the table is fine as a strategy but only works if you are both on board with it.

You are so young. Decide what you want. Ask him if he still fancies you and wants to stay married but don't rely on his answer. It's maybe what he doesn't say. I don't believe we are necessarily suited to being with one person forever (some people are and that's great), so if you want a fulfilling sex life with someone who makes you feel amazing then that is ok. Do what is right for you x