Drives me mad - "I'll let you know when I'm free"

[hammie46i]

I wondered if I am being unreasonable about this. Would appreciate some advice as to whether you think I'm being uptight and need to chill out, or if this is unreasonable.

Me and BF arrange to meet on a certain day, at mine or at his. He is always resistant to setting a time. Instead he says "I'll let you know when I'm free" then I have to wait by the phone for him to let me know when to come round or when he's going to show up. I know roughly whether it's going to be late afternoon or evening or whatever, he just can't ever give a time.

As someone who has a busy professional life where I'm used to things being scheduled in, it annoys me no end.

He has a little one that he sees 3 days a week and has at the weekend so sometimes things don't go to plan and he will be late so he doesn't like setting times for that reason.

Part of me just feels like switching the damn phone off on the days he wants to see me so he realises he needs to be arranging an actual time, even if it's one that's later than he thinks he'll be free.

I feel like I can't get into anything, whether it be a book, a task, the housework, a phone call with someone else, because I never know when he's going to show up or want me to go round.

[loudev]

Glad you spoke to him. Once I told my boyfriend it bothered me he made so much more effort to make plans, I made it clear if he didn't I knew the relationship wouldn't work, he's been great since, and it's been about 4 months since the conversation.

[hammie46i]

[quote SoloMummy]@hammie46i
Also, his resistance re tomes, is that because you then "kick off" if he's late or changes it?[/quote]
No, never kicked off about this.

He was resistant in that he seemed to skirt around this when I've asked for a time in the past. I didn't press the issue or let him know it was annoying me, but I should have.

[SoulofanAggron]

Well done for telling him how you feel OP.

If he doesn't show up at the agreed time I'm going to let him know that it's not something I can deal with in a relationship because I'm too busy for that nonsense. It's not something I should have to nag him about and I won't.

I'm glad you're not going to put up with something you (understandably) dislike so much.

Please let us know how everything goes. xxx

[Scarby9]

You have a lot more patience than I do. @hammii46i

I have had phases of no patience at all, phases where I have refused to meet up for months, and far too long where I just felt repeatedly hurt and resentful.

But she is (otherwise!) a great friend. When she is there, she is fully there and great company. It took me far too long to recognise and stand up for the fact that I also am a great friend to her and have the right to just as much consideration.

@Muser314 We are also different personality types when it comes to timekeeping. I am a 30 mins early type, given the chance... I think you just sometimes have to have those very uncomfortable conversations and stand offs, then a calmer conversation at a less stressful time setting out your feelings and agreeing reasonable expectations, if you think the relationship is worth it.

[madcatladyforever]

i couldn't be doing with that, the relationship would be a no go for me. I'm not happy to be waiting around all day for a man. I'm too busy.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

It's like you don't exist when you aren't with him. That never makes for a pleasant relationship!

[tigger001]

"I will let you know" or "I'll check my diary" to me always translates as if their time is more important and they expect you to just wait on their delivering their availability.

Make plans there and then or I'm unavailable. They are not making you their priority.

[Muser314]

@Scarby9 I had to bring a great longtime friend's timekeeping in to line as well. She has always been late. I have always been on time. A part of our personalities, but she never misses planes and can make it on time for a theatre production, an interview, a doctor's apt.

One morning she had said she'd call at 10.00. At 10.30 which was still in the realms of her normal level fo lateness, she texted to say she'd be another half an hour. Sigh. Ok. So I just made another coffee as half an hour wasn't really long enough to do anything. At 11.30 she turned up. She told me she'd got a lot done and put on a wash and hung it out and gone for a run. I told her straight that I'd achieved nothing that morning. I was ready for 10, and then I was hanging on for updates every half an hour and didn't know at any point from 10 onwards if she would show up any minute or if she would be another half an hour, or another hour. I was trying to say it calmly but I was resentful that I had achieved nothing all morning because she hadn't just said ''11.30'' to START with!!

It wasn't a very enjoyable cup of coffee. It was awkward and tense. But we have a long friendship dating back to childhood. And after that occasion she has been a lot more respectful of my time.

[hammie46i]

@speakout

I wouldn't bother making "sure he sticks to it".

He knows how you feel- and that is great, but you don't need to police this. It is now up to him.

nNow he has agreed I am going to be asking for a time or a 30 min window of time (if he's coming to me), for us to meet. If he doesn't show up at the agreed time I'm going to let him know that it's not something I can deal with in a relationship because I'm too busy for that nonsense. It's not something I should have to nag him about and I won't.

[Muser314]

you cannot live like that. You'll make your life really empty just to be at his beck and call.

I agree with the others, be unavailable. Not in a fake way. Plan your week like you AREN'T in a relationship and then if the time slot he suggests works for you, great, if not, tell him you'll let him know when you're free

[hammie46i]

@Scarby9

I have a friend of over 30 years who can be like this. I love her very much and we have been through a lot together but her repeated lateness for no good reason, refusal to be pinned down to arrangements and wanting to keep her options open in case of a better offer really affected my blood pressure and threatened our friendship for years.

After many frustrations, I have perfected a system that works for us.

I almost always let her set the time for any meetings, but then hold her to the time. If she can't then make it, fine, but I am then unavailable that day and do my own thing and can only reschedule if completely convenient for me.

If she has to be late, she must let me know at least 30 mins before, not at or after the sceduled meeting time (texts saying 'Sorry, leaving now' used to drive me livid as I sat keeping a table in a packed cafe).

If she is more than 10 mins late with no notice, I text to say I am leaving, then leave and turn my phone off. Thinking about it, I haven't had to do that for a couple of years and probably only 5 or 6 times in total, but she knows I would now.

If she says she's not sure if she can arrange a meeting, I say fine. Give me a ring if you change your mind or have a space and if I am free, we might be able to get together. Then I put meeting with her completely out of my mind and get on with my day. If I happen to catch a text on my phone or she rings and I am doing nothing, then I am happy then to agree to meet.

It's about boundaries and making it clear that my time and my life are as important as hers. It took me years, but we have always bern honest and open and it has been worth it for the friendship we have now.

By the way, we happily call on each other unannounced as well, but just don't expect the other to be there or available.

This would drive me insane. You have a lot more patience than I do

[hammie46i]

@Ragwort

Are you meeting for sex ... sorry to be blunt but you say you are meeting at your place or his? Sounds like he's got you just where he wants you, a convenience to fit round his lifestyle.

If you were meeting for a meal or a walk etc he wouldn't just be saying 'I'll let you know when I'm free' . One of the downsides of lockdown is people are presumed to be sitting around at home not doing very much.

We're not meeting for sex, it isn't a friends with benefits sort of situation I'm involved in.

[Scarby9]

I have a friend of over 30 years who can be like this. I love her very much and we have been through a lot together but her repeated lateness for no good reason, refusal to be pinned down to arrangements and wanting to keep her options open in case of a better offer really affected my blood pressure and threatened our friendship for years.

After many frustrations, I have perfected a system that works for us.

I almost always let her set the time for any meetings, but then hold her to the time. If she can't then make it, fine, but I am then unavailable that day and do my own thing and can only reschedule if completely convenient for me.

If she has to be late, she must let me know at least 30 mins before, not at or after the sceduled meeting time (texts saying 'Sorry, leaving now' used to drive me livid as I sat keeping a table in a packed cafe).

If she is more than 10 mins late with no notice, I text to say I am leaving, then leave and turn my phone off. Thinking about it, I haven't had to do that for a couple of years and probably only 5 or 6 times in total, but she knows I would now.

If she says she's not sure if she can arrange a meeting, I say fine. Give me a ring if you change your mind or have a space and if I am free, we might be able to get together. Then I put meeting with her completely out of my mind and get on with my day. If I happen to catch a text on my phone or she rings and I am doing nothing, then I am happy then to agree to meet.

It's about boundaries and making it clear that my time and my life are as important as hers. It took me years, but we have always bern honest and open and it has been worth it for the friendship we have now.

By the way, we happily call on each other unannounced as well, but just don't expect the other to be there or available.

[speakout]

I wouldn't bother making "sure he sticks to it".

He knows how you feel- and that is great, but you don't need to police this. It is now up to him.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Well done OP.

Now make sure he sticks to it!!

[itsgettingweird]

Yes drives me mad!

I'm single and have no partner but with friends.

Conversations like this:

Me: are you free Thursday or Friday this week?

Friend: yes

Me: would you like to meet for coffee/lunch wherever Friday at midday?

Friend: I'll let you know. I don't know what I'm doing yet!

I use to be a complete doormat and allowed people to do this to me. Then when they text 11am Friday I'd meet.

I'm not now. I did what you did. Find a time both free, suggest a meet up, then ignore messages last minute if arrangements weren't made to do something.

My friendship circle widened because I no longer waited for (what was) my closest friend.

Sadly things haven't been so good for her.

[hammie46i]

Thanks all for the input.

I had a chat with him about it and let him know I felt he was disrespecting my time. It was surprisingly easy to get him to agree to giving me times in future. I can't believe I hadn't asked this earlier.

[Pinkyandthebrainz]

You need higher standards

[Standrewsschool]

@ivykaty44

Jyst say
That doesn’t work for me

So either set a time later or leave us meeting to another night when you’re free

This

[loudev]

My boyfriend was like this. I just told him. I told him I don't like it and in future he should be able to make plans with me with a day and a time. So now that's what he does and I'm happy, he's happy and it's all good. So my advice, tell him. It's not hard for someone to make plans if you are important to them

[LilyLongJohn]

Stop being so available. Stop waiting by the phone. Next time he says 'I'll let you know' set a boundaries.

Him, let's see each other Saturday, I'll let you know when

You, ok bf, but if I've not heard from you by Thursday tea time then I'll make plans'

and do make plans, if he comes back after that time just tell him you're busy.

If he holds down a job, picks his kids up and generally manages life he can give and stick to times.

You're at the bottom of his list of priorities and you're letting him out you there

[Chocolate123]

Maybe be unavailable for a while and see what happens. If he's not interested enough you'll soon see

[Wondersense]

@Anordinarymum

Bloody hell. Line the bastard up and shoot him

I wonder what you would think of a man if he wrote -

'Bloody hell. Line the bitch up and shoot her'

Unless you were being sarcastic?

[Littlewilts]

How long have you been together?

When you have explained that this approach to meeting does not work for you, what is his response?

I would not tolerate this, he’s shown you who he is - would you cope with this in the years to come?

[GinWithRosie]

You say 'comes to yours' or you 'go to his'. So...do you ever go out? How long have you been dating? This sounds very dull...you are putting your life on hold, waiting around for him to call/show up? Why? He's calling all the shots here...and you're going along with it 🤦‍♀️

Just stop waiting around OP! Seriously...get on with your life! You are not his priority (discounting his child here obviously, who clearly has to be of course). But child aside, if you were important, he would prioritise you too by adding time into his schedule. He doesn't 🤷‍♀️