Friend came onto me

[Heartbroken21]

Some background. Both me and best friend are females, I’m straight, she’s bisexual. We’re both in relationships with men. I have known her for almost 3 years, we bonded over having similar mental health issues. I’ve never had a friend who ‘gets me’ the way she does. I don’t have many friends at all. She’s due to be maid of honour for me at my wedding next year.

So to the problem. Two nights ago me and my fiancé had her and her boyfriend round for drinks. Friend has a history of being flirty with people when drunk, she wants the attention she wants to make her boyfriend jealous. She admits to this. She never gets the reaction from her boyfriend that she’s like, he isn’t the jealous type and has said he’d like to see her with other people. They don’t have an open relationship, though she does work in the sex industry and he’s ok with that.

She pulled me aside and said she was upset that I told her I didn’t want to see pictures of her doing girl on girl stuff for work, a few weeks ago. She felt I was judging her. I tried really hard to explain I wasn’t judging, it just isn’t my thing. She then went onto say that she found me attractive but wouldn’t try to disrespect my relationship. But she did. She tried to kiss me a few times, I gave her a peck and tried to laugh/brush it off. Then she asked me to leave the toilet door open so she could watch. Again, I laughed it off trying to make light of it but also being really drunk I didn’t react in the way I should have. Then she used the toilet after me and I won’t go into more detail but it was completely inappropriate what she was doing/trying to get me to watch.

After that I went to find our partners and tried to ignore what happened. She playfully tried to kiss me again but I don’t think either of our partners saw. Then she fell asleep.

I woke up yesterday feeling really weird, a bit grubby and violated if I’m honest. I feel like she manipulated me by saying she felt I was judging her for her work, to get me being all apologetic and then took advantage of that by being so disrespectful of my relationship and our friendship. She’s tried texting me loads since but hasn’t mentioned her behaviour. I just made excuses for not being up for a chat with her saying I was unwell. I’ve been worried about telling my fiancé because I don’t know if he’ll want me to continue the friendship and I don’t know if I can give up the only friend I feel has been such a great support to me at times when I’ve really needed it. I told him today because I felt guilty keeping it from him and needless to say, he’s unhappy.

What do I do about her? Do I try and talk to her? I don’t believe it was about me, I think she just wanted some attention.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Heartbroken21]

@chickenyhead I’ve never come across that before, but it makes sense.

@RoseTintedAtuin that’s a very good point I hadn’t considered. I think I would probably question her motives for providing support now.

@whatwouldjohnmclanedo I wasn’t planning to brush it off. There’s no way I could keep this in, not have her know how uncomfortable she made me feel and continue the friendship. It’s a question of, do I address it or just walk away.

[whatwouldjohnmclanedo]

Op that depends on how strong you feel and how you think you’ll feel in the future. Prioritise safeguarding your feelings not hers. I really feel for you.

[WB205020]

And if this was a man who tried to kiss you repeatedly, tried to get you to leave the toilet door open and watch him. Made constant sexual remarks all evening, i very much doubt anyone would be blaming the booze or even considering continuing the friendship. I would suspect a visit to the police would even be recommended too.

There is no room for double standards in 2020 and certainly not in situations like this.

[Heartbroken21]

Thankyou everyone for your responses. It’s really given me a lot of food for thought, I half expected to be told I was over reacting but I feel the opposite about it now.

[Isthisnothing]

Ah op I'm sorry you've no other close friends but that doesn't mean you should put up with this.

She was really awful to you. Respond the way you would if you had loads of other friends. Your boundaries / standards should not move.

It's up to you if you want to talk to her about it or ghost. Both are absolutely warranted.

You know your wedding day is your day with your fiance. You can have it any way you want - you don't need a maid of honour at all.

You could start broadening your circle now regardless of what happens with your 'friend'. Do you have any hobbies or interests you could explore?

[Heartbroken21]

@Isthisnothing Thankyou.

I do need to widen my circle of friends, I have health conditions that take a toll on my physical abilities to get out much and socialise much, but I could make more effort, so I will.

Funnily enough, our plan was to have no bridesmaids/groomsmen at all. Just me, fiancé and DC in the actual wedding party. But I felt obliged to ask her as she’d been so supportive.

I’m starting to question everything about our friendship now.... it’s not a nice feeling. I don’t trust people easily.

But you live and learn.

[Wondersense]

By her actions so far, I think you are actually putting your own mental health and your relationship at risk by having her in your life. You don't just need distance, I think you should cut her out completely. Be upfront and tell her that her actions mean you no longer feel comfortable being around her. She will likely say she's upset, plead with you, insult you, guilt trip you, cry even, but please just make it a firm 'no'.

[Heartbroken21]

@Wondersense I agree, it is putting my mental health and relationship at risk. No friendship is worth either of those things.

She hasn’t been in touch, I tried to call her yesterday to tell her how her behaviour made me feel and I’ve had no response- which is unusual. She’s either read this thread or has guessed what I called about.