Water-torturer husband stories

[Chuckyleg]

Share your water-torturer stories?

I end up feeling pathetic after I've got angry or upset with DH for his little wind-up behaviours. I recently came across this term and I'm sure this is how DH is behaving.

This morning, I put the kettle on, only for him to come up behind me 10 seconds later to switch the kettle on too. The blue light had come on and it had started to make a low noise after I pressed it.

I said to DH "Dont worry, I've already pressed it."
He says "you hadn't" with an ear-to-ear silly grin on his face.
I say "no I had the light had come on."
He starts laughing loudly and saying "nope. You hadn't" repeating himself over and over. I know I should let it go, but I start feeling angry that he's making out I'm senile when I know for a fact that I'd switched it on.

I ended up reacting very emotionally and feel ridiculous, particularly when he then pipes down and says "ok, ok it's only a kettle."

I want to punch him when he's sporting that stupid smug grin on his face.

[PhilSwagielka]

@iklboo Your ex sounds like my ex-stepdad. He was like that with Mum. Always belittling her and telling her he was ashamed of him when she had panic attacks in public. No fucking wonder she ended up with a drink problem.

[Mittens030869]

I'm not saying that you should put up with bullying. It's understandable when it's a child doing it (there should be consequences, though), but they should move on and become an adult, and behave in an appropriate way as an adult. No, if a partner behaves like a playground bully that hasn't grown up, that shouldn't be tolerated at all.

[category12]

Mittens, you seem to be minimising the crucial word - bullying. You shouldn't put up with being bullied by your partner.

[Bunnymumy]

The thing is though 'immaturity' is often substituted for 'emotionally stunted' because WE dont want to face the fact that some people are incapable of behaving like decent human beings. and never will be. It isn't an immaturity thing, it's an asshole thing.

[Mittens030869]

Obviously, some of the stuff being described here is at a completely different level. But I do think a lot of this is what playground bullying type pranks. Some people really don't grow up.

[Mittens030869]

He's being really childish basically. It reminds me of my DB, who, on one occasion when I was washing up, put clean crockery into the sink. It took a good few minutes for me to realise what he was doing. He was only about 11 years old, though, rather than a grown man.

Your DH sounds like an absolute pain.

[Bunnymumy]

Im not sure that last example is gaslighting (gaslightjng is more 'you've never even been so how would you know?') but it is still totally headfuckery as he is invalidating your opinions and choices by saying 'you need more evidence to make that decision/you are being too harsh for having this opinion and in judging you for it'.

I dont know why you explained gaslighting to him though. Why would you tell a lion that is chewing on your leg 'hey, I know you are a lion so stop chewing on my leg now' ? You wouldn't. Normal people dont gaslight. Or turn every conversation into a battle in order to make you the 'loser'.

I hope you find the strength to ditch the mind fucking wanker asap. Get off the merry go round of explaining to a disordered individual, their disorder. It is pointless and will only be met with blank stares, reversed blame and claims that you are over sensitive or nuts. You will be nuts if you stay with him. He'll drive you batshit. Leave!

[Colourmeclear]

He's saying I know you better than you know yourself. You don't know what you like, you can't reach your own opinions and my opinion is more valid than yours. He is invalidating you and discounting your opinion. You're not qualified to have your own mind.

Even IF you did the same thing to him (which I seriously doubt) then his response is still ridiculous. It's an awful way of deflecting his behaviour back on you, I wouldn't do this thing if you didn't do it too. So maybe you believe him and you try really hard to change but he doesn't because you apparently are still doing this totally fictitious thing that only exists in his justification of his own behaviour. Retaliation in a relationship is never ok (even if it's in his own head). An adult response would be I'm sorry, I think it's something we could both work on, I'll take what you say on board. Instead it's still YOUR problem that YOU have to work on.

You should let it get under your skin otherwise you might start to believe everything he says and find you lose yourself in the process. He sounds verbally abusive. There's a website somewhere with the 15 signs of a verbally abusive relationship that you might find interesting.

[Chuckyleg]

I had no idea of the gravity of this sort of behaviour.
He's just done it again.
We drove through a particular seaside town this afternoon (one I'd always wanted to visit) and I said that I felt disappointed by it as it wasn't what I expected at all. It was very busy, loads of commercialised shops etc, I prefer quieter, more scenic destinations (which he knows.)
I just commented that it wasn't for me and that actually, I'm not sure I want to spend a day there.
He immediately says "well, you don't know that, you can't know that unless you actually go there."
I say "no it's definitely not my kind of place."
And he starts laughing and grinning and says, "ok, but I think you would find it different should you spend a day there."
I've just told him this is gaslighting.
He pulls out his I-pad, shrugs and says
"you do it all the time to me."

Then I found myself getting annoyed as I explain what gaslighting is etc and asking him to explain when exactly I treat him like this. He sits shrugging. I know I shouldn't let him get under my skin, but...

[sanityisamyth]

It used to really annoy me when my ExH would tell me what I had or hadn't said. I knew full well that he was constantly wrong. Or he'd tell me how I was feeling about something. Ummmm how would he know how I am feeling?!

He'd also love putting me down intelligence wise. We had a similar subject background and he'd deliberately ask me intricate questions or tell me stories slightly out of my area of study and make me feel thick for not knowing about them.

[Colourmeclear]

I'd really recommend watching the film Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman. I cried through most of it.

I think the most painful thing is that because it is a drip drip drip, when you break down or rage it's with the weight of everything that has been before. They turn around and say oh it's only a kettle, or only a joke and you focus on how insignificant it would be in a "healthy" relationship but you aren't in a healthy relationship and no-one else that is in one understands. You have these big reactions over an accumulation of small things and you shame yourself into silence because it was only a kettle etc.

It got to the point where I would cry hysterically if I forgot to do something or broke something by accident because I just knew I was going to be told how I had done it on purpose, that I was effing stupid, I couldn't be trusted etc. I'm not even sure that he didn't purposefully hide things so he could rage at me but it wore me down to the point where I if I had forgotten something when shopping etc I went without rather than telling him I needed 20 seconds to go back to an aisle we had already been in. It wears you down, you either succumb to trying to be perfect or you live with a rage that eats away at you.

[Glittergirl80]

OMG I'd never heard of this before but how familiar it sounds!! My husband constantly does this and denies I haven't told him things when l know for a fact l have. l feel ur pain - it's so not funny!! xx

[iklboo]

MrsC - my ex did the same. Totally ripped me apart in public insulting my looks, clothes, hair etc. Usually on a bus when I couldn't get off. Nice loud voice. And I wasn't 'allowed' to cry because I'd be showing him up. He'd say 'the truth hurts doesn't it?' I wish so much somebody would have stuck up for me or called him out on it but they never did.

[Dacquoise]

And I should add the whole you exploding while they remain calm and innocent looking is part of the game. The number of times the anger would build up in me from all the petty incidents and then unleash was a regular occurrence which of course makes me look unstable. I would end up apologising for reacting his abuse which is abuse in itself.

[Dacquoise]

Hi @Chuckyleg, I had a water torturer for a husband. Twenty years of the constant peck peck peck of psychological abuse. By the end I was disassociating with a form of PTSD. I didn't know which way was up.

Passive aggression was his weapon of choice. He rarely displayed anger but knew exactly how to get under my skin. Agreeing to do or not do things then doing what he wanted, then denying we had agreed something. Breaking at the last minute in a queue of traffic when I could see the brake lights going on ahead so I thought we were going to crash. 'Forgetting' to do or not do things. He was also operating a covert campaign with our daughter, bragging about things he had done but 'don't tell your mother '. Pulling her aside and telling her to ignore me when I disciplined her. Manipulating other people against me including 'friends ' and my own family.

I look back and can't believe I tolerated the amount of hatred from a person that was supposed to love me. But I did and it took a big toll on me.

Even when we split up the behaviour continued and the most frustrating thing was other people couldn't see it or understand it. I lost a lot of 'friends ' because they judged me as the bad guy for leaving such an innocent and 'nice' man.

It has taken a lot of therapy for me to fully appreciate the extent of his abuse. It's so confusing because it's not obvious and can be explained away which is why, I suspect, you are looking for examples. To confirm to yourself that this is serious and not you being 'over sensitive ' or 'over reacting'.

There is no cure for these people unless they have intensive sustained therapy which is unlikely. It's a default defense mechanism and you will continue to be their victim. The Lundy description is pretty accurate.

I can't tell you what to do but my life is pretty good since I got away. I have no one messing with my head, I don't tolerate twats anymore and I now have a sane, loving and mutually respectful relationship. I wish you the same.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

@SmileyClare Thank you lovely, that was just a small snapshot. I've been single for 7 years now and it's better that way. If anybody ever does come along (and given the f-off signals I give out, that's unlikely), I do know I will never ever tolerate anything like that again. I'd rather be on my own!

[SmileyClare]

Christ MrsC that's breathtakingly cruel. Men like your ex shouldn't be allowed out in society.
Best wishes for your future without him

[TheFormidableMrsC]

This sounds so familiar. My ex used to embarrass me in front of people, even people we barely knew, with really personal details about my body for example. He'd go on and on even when it was clear the other party was embarrassed and I was nearly in tears with humiliation. He'd then call me names and tell me I was "over sensitive, had no sense of humour and couldn't take a joke". I didn't see any of this at the time. I was utterly devastated when he left after an affair, it's taken me a huge amount of therapy and a very long time on my own to realise what an utter cunt that man was an how much damage he did to me. These people don't change, they do it to draw attention away from themselves because they are damaged, inadequate individuals. Please leave this man OP, you are worth so much more

[sunshinesheila]

That sounds horrible. Banter is usually bullying I find.

[SmileyClare]

I think you're right Bunny I'm not sure there is a way to act that will make a man like this stop or change.

Op It's awful that you say "I feel pathetic when I react by getting upset or angry" None of this is your fault or due to any flaw in you. It's him.

[Bunnymumy]

*their will

[Bunnymumy]

Ignoring it I'is pointless in the long term as he will only do more and more to try and get a reaction.

A lot of people will advise the 'grey rock' technique. But it is absolutely not the right course if you are living with an abuser. It is only useful when you have to meet the abuser briefly (eg: handing over and picking up the kids).

It doesnt work longterm as there will to hurt you is one of iron and if one way doesn't work, they will keep on trying alternatives to destabilise you.

Dont ignore> Leave.

[SmileyClare]

Is the advice to challenge his behaviour or ignore it the right advice though? He might escalate the abuse because he wants a reaction.

[Jux]

Honestly, don't have kids with him - or don't have any more.

I bet he does that crap with pretty much everything he can. Can you get away? Could you afford to move? Would you consider leaving him?

[unlikelytobe]

He probably thinks you're no fun not playing along with this twattery and I bet he says you've no sense of humour. All the pranks, winding up etc gets very wearing and is ultimately mean and disrespectful. If this is a large part of your interaction with him then you need to dump him.