Advice on very new relationship AIBU?

[summersolstice43]

I'm not even sure I should class this as a relationship just yet as we haven't know each other too long but have been dating and doing what we can during lockdown like walks, trips to the country, meals at each others etc. The thing is, on paper he is ideal for me, caring, hot, kind, good personality, loads in common, good values etc but theres a few things that don't sit right with me. eg he came to mine last night and pushed and pushed for sex, I said no but he wouldn't let it go asking why and seemed to go in the huff (I had to physically push him off me), I told him I wasn't ready and didn't want to rush into anything. I told him I don't just want sex, I want a relationship and he's said he wants the same but its not looking like that at the min. Also, he doesn't wash his hands when he visits the toilet, I made a joke about it (I didn't hear the tap, I presume you used hand sanitiser etc) and he laughed but still didn't wash them. He knows how clean I am, bordering on OCD especially now with this pandemic. I'm not sure if I should have a word with him or even how to approach it? Or just let it go and hope it gets better?

[summersolstice43]

@FinallyHere Thank you for your kind words. I have ignored him, hes not getting anymore of my time. I've got other things to worry about and I'll be very thankful that things didn't go any further and I'm here to tell the tale.

[FinallyHere]

• a. realised what he's done,
  b. knows he's not going to get anywhere so moved on or
  c. clearly not interested*
  
  Please remember that, as before, there is another option, that he has better options at the moment and will be back when/if they go wrong.
  
  Can you see how contacting him to explain why you don't want to contact him is at best giving mixed messages, possibly even not absolutely sure about what you want.
  
  The best way out for you is to live a marvellous life. Anytime you waste thinking about him takes away from your efforts to build a much better life for yourself, the life you deserve. All the very best.

[SoulofanAggron]

Either way I'm happy I don't have to deal with him even though I am tempted to text him and tell him exactly where he went wrong even if its just to save some other poor woman from the same thing.

I think that might be a good idea and also cathartic for you. But after you've said your piece immediately block him on everything so you don't get his messages back slagging you off etc.

[summersolstice43]

@NCsonoOuting Yes you're right, He's getting nothing more out of me now, I've already wasted too much time on him

[NCsonoOuting]

@summersolstice43 yup, don't even send him the consent /cup of tea vid, good though it is! Will probably be wasted on him.

[summersolstice43]

@HelenUrth I love that video, thank you. He's definitely getting blocked though. I shared something on FB earlier and within a minute he'd text me (I forgot I was friends on there with him, not now though) and his text goes unread.

[HelenUrth]

You could send him this Cup of Tea Consent video and then block him.

But please block him. What a disgusting creep.

[summersolstice43]

@user135664323455 I've never said any of his characteristics were flattering, in fact I think totally the opposite. I know looking back on how he behaved Id be wrong to ever go there again. In fact last night when I got home from work and had chance to sit and think about the whole thing I cried so much as it could have gone horribly wrong. I'm a very independent person and I don't give into pressures like that so for him to think he could take advantage and do what he wanted shocked me. In the past he has told me how much he fancies me and that I'm hot etc but now I realise that was his way of grooming me so to speak.

So I don't think I really need to address anything in my own mentality before I start dating again, which wont be for a long time anyway as I now have a lot of trust issues.

[summersolstice43]

@NCsonoOuting That's really interesting, thanks for pointing it out. I'd never thought about it like that. So, I'll not bother contacting him, even if it is to just point out why I don't want to see him. I guess deep down (or not so deep down) he knows why I've not bothered to reply to him. thank you

[NCsonoOuting]

@summersolstice43 have you considered the option which I think is very likely, knowing the typical abuser's modus operandi:

d) he's playing a long game and is aiming to slowly draw you back in? First into communicating with him (even if it just starts with "Goodnight, please don't message me again", so that he can then reply anyway, and "justify" his behaviours to you/apologise and say it'll never happen again. Then he pleads for "one last meeting" during which he seduces you, either literally or metaphorically. He'd be the most considerate suitor/lover that time, you could be sure of it. Maybe for a month or two.... but sooner or later he'd revert to his true self. Read about the cycle of abuse.

Do not get drawn back in!!

[user135664323455]

I was hoping it was just honeymoon period where he has strong desires for me

What am I reading? He is a wannabe rapist and you've been trying to badge that up as a good thing.

He didn't care that you did not consent, he wanted sex regardless. If your brain had activated the freeze response instead of fight (which you have no control over - the brain activates the option it thinks will keep you alive and freeze is more common than fight) he would have raped you.

Why have you not blocked him?!

I don't know how you got to a place where you interpret disrespect, ignoring your boundaries, and attempted rape as flattering or a positive sign in a relationship, but I think you need to address that before you date anyone else.

[CarrieMoonbeams]

Someone who behaves like that isn't going to change just because you told him where he went wrong I'm afraid. I'm pretty sure that he knew BOTH of his behaviours were wrong, but he doesn't care.

Personally I'd just block him entirely.

[summersolstice43]

So a bit of an update. he sent me a good night message last night, I haven't replied and he's not made an effort to either. So either he's
a. realised what he's done,
b. knows he's not going to get anywhere so moved on or
c. clearly not interested

Either way I'm happy I don't have to deal with him even though I am tempted to text him and tell him exactly where he went wrong even if its just to save some other poor woman from the same thing.

[MashedSpud]

He’d shag you with his dirty willy then a week later he’d message that he’s not ready for a relationship.

Get rid.

[summersolstice43]

@User43210 I don't think men, and some women, realise how much their action affect certain people. It may just be a little thing to them but something like that can knock someone apart for a while. I hope it doesn't cause too much misery for you

[User43210]

@Summersolstice43 brilliant news, you'll find someone worthy! Yes, I do feel lucky. I was never romantically involved with him, it was just an awful, drunken mess of a night that I sometimes remember and have horrible flashbacks!

[summersolstice43]

@Arnoldthecat Thanks for your advice, its nice to hear the same from a guy. Most men I know are clean and tidy so its bugging me why he wont wash his hands.

@FinallyHere Ah I wasn't checking for messages from him, he was the last person I'd replied to on there so when I opened it to message one of my friends I noticed the time he'd been on. I've not looked since to be honest. I think you're right about the potential girlfriends though as his phone was going off a lot last night and he didn't check it while I was there, he waited until I'd gone in the kitchen.

@BlingLoving Oh I know I was right to say no, I meant that sarcastically as in he now knows I wasn't joking or just saying no for the hell of it as I wouldn't let it go any further. I think the things that bothered me was when I said no then he want in a huff, like it was his right to do what he wanted. No man is ever worth that to me. Its a sad state off affairs when you cant even kiss someone without them thinking they are going to get into your knickers. Thank you

@User43210 Yes I think you're right, he can now please himself as I have better things to do with my time and I wont let myself be worried by him. Sounds like you had a lucky escape too

[BlingLoving]

I guess he doesn't know me well enough to understand I'm not kidding.

Please OP, don't even let this thought stay in your head for another second. This sort of mindset is the one that has men whining in a post MeToo world about, "I mean, you can't say anything to women now without worrying about being accused of sexual harassment."

You know this man is not a good one.

You may well be ready for dating but I think you need to spend time considering how you feel about your right to say no etc. I was once called a cocktease, age 21, by a man I was drunkenly snogging at a party because I wouldn't let it go any further. I was young and stupid enough to feel bad and to question whether I'd given him the wrong signals but I still felt no guilt about immediately ditching the experience and distancing myself from him going forward. Even accepting (wrongly) my responsibility, I knew instinctively that this wasn't a man who I should be spending time with.

Good luck!!!

[FinallyHere]

I'm very sorry OP, there is zero chance that he has decided this.

Hopefully he's realised he cant treat women like that and I'm no longer interested in him.

He is much note likely to have several potential 'girlfriends' at once and is chasing whoever appears to be the best chance of him 'scoring'

Please don't check for messages from him. Dint give him the headspace. If you do that, there is a chance he might just send you a loving sounding message just when you need to hear it and you will be sucked in again.

Block and delete is a much stronger message to him that he cannot trample you're boundaries.

[Arnoldthecat]

OMG..im a guy,,take my advice,get rid. Contrary to popular belief not all men are soap dodgers. I am scrupulous about such matters and as for pressuring a woman for sex,that just would not happen.

Bin him off whilst its early stage.

[summersolstice43]

@namechange12a I did yes, I'd made it clear I was not on there for sex and he had it in his profile too but I guess anyone can put anything on those sites.

@Mittens030869 Yes you're right, its a good reminder to not go there again.

I think he's got the hint from my demeanour changing as he normally messages me at lunch time and I can see hes been online (WhatsApp) but hasn't messaged me. Hopefully he's realised he cant treat women like that and I'm no longer interested in him.

[namechange12a]

Did you meet him online OP? He sounds predatory and only after sex. You shouldn't have to push someone off you after saying no and next time he may not get off you when asked.

Please don't see him again.

[Mittens030869]

Yes definitely, that's what I'm going to do - I'm also childish

It's not even all that childish really, it's a good reminder for you if he tries to sweet talk you into seeing him again. I was just remembering that when my DSis made the decision to divorce her abusive ex, she had a separate ring-tone just for him to the tune of 'That's it, folks, it's all over'.

This man isn't sweet and caring at all, he just knows the right script. But he's potentially dangerous and the lack of hand washing after going to the toilet is just totally grim.

[differentnameforthis]

The sex thing is a HUGE red flag.

DO NOT let this go.

Next time you say no, you may not be able to push him off you.