If you can't have sex with your OH for medical reasons

[stirling]

Then what do you expect of them in terms of loyalty if there is such a concept.

I have an awful condition that makes sex impossible. For anyone in a similar position, what's OK in terms of what your partner does? Where do you draw the line. For example I uncomfortably accept his use of porn but would feel awful if he was sleeping with sex workers. Do I have a right to feel that way or is that just none of my business?

I'm so confused as to the morals of the situation. Compared to other partners I've had, he's quite sexually driven. I've asked him to leave the relationship to be with another woman but he doesn't want to...

Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you

[Holothane]

We both have health issues so no sex now but we’re very close and always cuddle.

[stirling]

Thank you so much for the good advice everyone and Sharkerr I wish you weren't in a position to empathise, sounds awful, but I'm glad you have a good understanding with your OH.
Dery yes I'm back onto dmannose and SkepticallyOptimistic I was treated by Prof when he still worked at the Whittington hospital about 17 years ago!!
I'm with the UTI Clinic, Dr Anderson who follows a similar protocol. Would love to get off the antibiotics one day!

[Dery]

UTIs/bladder-related problems are a bastard, there's no doubt, and I don't think they're taken seriously enough by most of the medical profession. I've found D-Mannose from Sweet Cures to be very effective if there's an e-coli infection (which most UTIs are): www.waterfall-d-mannose.com. It is less effective for other types of UTI in terms of getting them to go away entirely, but still feels like it 'softens' the urine for want of a better expression. It is pricey, mind, but worth it for the relief if you can afford it and it works for you.

Not heard of Hiprex previously but am storing the suggestion away for future use in case of need.

I've also found herbal teas and warm water with lemon squeezed into it can be very helpful as well as cutting out as much sugar and wheat as possible (for a while I took to eating red peppers instead of apples).

Also probiotics can be good: especially those aimed at gut and vagina. www.gardenoflife.co.uk/microbiome-once-daily-womens-30-capsules/12323321.html?affil=thggpsad&switchcurrency=GBP&shippingcountry=GB&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiZP4ho2s6gIVTPlRCh2e3wR2EAQYASABEgKeq_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds Very good for you if you're having to take antibiotics long-term.

Really sorry to hear you're having to go through this, OP. I'm sure you will get to the other end of it. It's so awful while it's going on.

[Cocobean30]

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner having sex with anyone else in this situation, I don’t blame you at all and don’t think you should feel pressured to accept that. You have told him you would rather he left you than do that, so it’s up to him to choose.

[SkepticallyOptimistic]

Interstitial Cystitis doesn't exist. It's merely a description of symptoms meaning "inflamed bladder". The tools used to rule out or confirm UTI aren't fit for purpose and miss a huge number of genuine infections. Dipstick = 30% accurate and Urine Culture = 50% accurate.

Professor-Malone Lee in London found over 90% of his patients diagnosed with IC actually had embedded UTI infections which are treatable with long term, high dose antibiotics and or Hiprex.

Are you under treatment with the Professor @stirling?

[Sharkerr]

Oh OP! I could have written your post in some ways. Also have very strong symptoms of IC (but told it isn’t that), very very severe chronic bladder pain for the last fifteen years, usually can’t manage PIV sex, sex drive pretty low due to the pain, on a lot of morphine every day to function, married to a man with a high libido!

We are still monogamous and always will be as long as we are together. He’s a gem and doesn’t mind (or so he says, but he married me knowing this and I can’t change it). He’s said even if we never had sex again we’d still be together and of course he can make do with masturbation, it’s still a release. I don’t mind porn at all but anything with any interaction like a cam girl would cross the line for me. I know he masturbates pretty much daily to porn and I’m fine with it. We still try be intimate sometimes but it comes at such a cost to me (I flare for hours or days after) it often doesn’t seem worth it.

You’re still worthy of love and commitment and exclusivity ❤️

[CodenameVillanelle]

I couldn't respect a man who paid women to exploit them sexually so that would be out of the question for me, but I'd be ok with a partner having a casual sexual relationship outside as long as it didn't impact too much on us.

[user0002846727]

So being naked together is safe as long as he doesn't get you too aroused (so sorry) - second other posters to say, get naked together with a bunch of sex toys (for him) and massage and other safe intimate activities for you. See how it goes.

[gottogo111]

@stirling I have a chronic UTI and have for the past four years, it's crap.

My partner and I haven't had sex in about two and a half years, I miss it, we can do other stuff but arousal also causes me to flare. I am on long term antibiotics and hiprex and have been for the last two years. I am improving but it is slow, I am lucky that I can work from home.

So many women suffer with this and so many are written off with IC and left. You are not alone.

I wonder how I would feel if my partner said he needed to seek other sex outside the relationship, I honestly don't how how I would feel. Has you partner asked to see sex workers?

[Shoxfordian]

Maybe you need to expand your definition of sex, it doesn't have to just be p in v.
Presumably he can cum when he masturbates so he could do that with you, watch porn together- find some ethical porn or read erotica together. Keep hugging and kissing so you stay intimate.

[SciFiScream]

Could you introduce toys? What about a flesh light?


www.amazon.co.uk/Fleshlight-Original-Masturbator-Realistic-Superskin/dp/B0026P3P7M?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[stirling]

NotanotherboxofFrogs, sounds rough - both of your conditions. So sorry. I like the way you're making up for it and will take some of that on board.

[stirling]

Vodkacranberry, thanks so much for practical pointers. Got some hiprex but always scared to put formaldehyde into my body! Realise many women take it for years so should give it a go. You're right probiotics do help, I'm on Biokult with a pricey specially made kefir and it's definitely helping.
DBML he hasn't asked. But he has used them in the past past when he went through a divorce some 20 years ago, I feel uncomfortable. He assures me that he wouldn't do that to me, but I remain wary.

Snottery yes it's so hard to convey the extent of the pain and sleep deprivation!

[Anothernick]

It's odd that he can't orgasm except through PIV, how does he do it when he masturbates? It's possible this is a psychological issue or that he is too embarrassed to ask you for whatever it is that he does to himself to get him off. (I used to find handjobs didn't work for me but over the years I have become more relaxed about them and now it's easy).

It's good you recognise the need for a continued intimate relationship despite the difficulties. So many threads on here are about relationships in which one partner stops wanting sex and forces celibacy on the other. Very sad.

[DBML]

Op

Has he explicitly asked about visiting sex workers? Or are you worrying about something you don’t have to? Or are you considering it as an option?

How do YOU feel about the idea of him visiting sex workers?

[Tapio]

Sorry OP that’s crap

Porn would be totally fine for me, maybe try watching it together? Sorry for my crude description but if he can get himself off surely your hand could do the same? Maybe it’s a psychological thing for him. Sex workers, no way. You’ve given him an out, it sounds like he loves you and is respectful, he hasn’t taken it so just accept he loves you as you are, there isn’t much else you can do about it.

I really can empathise, I find sex varies from mildly painful to incredibly painful, but to be honest I grit my teeth and pretend it doesn’t hurt because I feel so guilty I can’t provide that closeness. It’s hard

[NotanotherboxofFrogs]

Im in the same position with no sex.

physically it causes me a lot of pain (combo of IC, endometriosis and vaginismus) and from his side with cataplexy so he loses complete muscle control triggered by strong emotions so he can see and hear but can't move at all) with proctalgia fugax which causes intense pain, both of us have IBS, neurogenic bladder and chronic pelvic pain syndrome.

We get around it by lots of cuddling, tantric, massage, taking all pressure off - telling ourselves that nothing is going to happen usually ends up with lot's of cuddles, toys and to be honest the last time we had actual intercourse was over 7+ years ago. We are both SA survivors.

But it is what it is, neither of us gets anything out of hurting the other when we try and it's not an essential part of our lives together.

A few friends at different times have advised us to "get a room" and we joke about that we will shag each other senseless, we are the only ones who know the real truth apart from this post now and our GP who understands and has suggested various things.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Cranberry juice. Great in vodka does fuck all otherwise.

www.msmc.com/urology/urological-treatments/recurring-urinary-tract-infections-your-questions-answered/

These really did work when nothing else would. I got them online (eBay I think) they were not expensive and arrived relatively quickly from Australia. Of all the things that could be worth a shot this is my top one by a long way.

And biocare acidophilus. That one is excellent.

[snottery]

I was going to ask if it was IC. The worst condition in the world IMO. Not doing badly at the moment and for a while now, but that pain, and the fear of that pain, will never ever leave me. Needs so so much more research. The pain and suffering is like nothing else. And people suggest cranberry juice and you feel like stabbing them in the bladder after days without sleep and seeing how they fare.

I completely understand how you feel re your relationship OP. Sadly I don't have much advice or answers. Would normally have suggested intimacy and oral/hand. You shouldn't have to put up with anything you are uncomfortable with, fidelity wise. If the lines of communication are open this is good. If you try to put up with stuff you ultimately cannot, it will eat away at you and will be no better than leaving imo. Just keep communicating if you can.

I'm so sorry and I hope treatments work for you xx

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Good old google. Hiprex. For some absolutely bizarre reason it's unknown here but it works. Very well. I went to doctor after doctor and got nowhere (antibiotics that stopped working) and this combined with biocare acidophilus and d-mannose (a bit patchy about taking that one) did the trick. Also HRT. You could take them as an adjunct and see if anything improves.

As for the sex worker.. I think the only way would be don't ask don't tell and for it to be bare minimum. There must be support groups for you too. I think that would help.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Which I'm trying to find and can't. Because it's been so long since I've needed it. Not d-mannose though I've used that too.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Ok well that makes sense. Thank you for saying. I used to get the rounds of these too and a really good probiotic broke the cycle, along with a drug I got from Australia online otc

[NotAnotherUserNumber]

It might be relevant to look at what is causing your partner’s problem with ejaculation/ orgasm. One possible cause is chronic cystitis, could you be passing the infection between each other?

[stirling]

SinisterBumFacedCat so sad you're in the same boat. Yes I miss sex too.

[stirling]

NoMoreDickheads thank you... No he doesn't ever pressurise me. He's kind about it...