Will meeting someone new heal heartbreak?

[Toedipper]

In a state of heartbreak is it possible to find someone who will “fix” how you feel? Or is this just wishful thinking hoping the pain will go away?

Also, is Tinder worth a go? Never tried any sort of online dating ever.

Feel a total wreck at the minute. Just split with my fiancé recently and don’t know where to turn, I don’t deal with loneliness we’ll at all. Any advice would be great. I’m a 34 year old straight man if that makes any difference 🤷‍♂️
Thanks

[TreatMeNice]

Having your heart broken can be painful and you need time to adjust to where you are now.

Living with you ex won't help you move on and maybe living somewhere else can give you a new lease in life and meeting new neighbours with new surrounding's.

You need to go through the emotions and gradually you'll feel stronger until ready for a relationship don't rush getting involve with anybody just yet as you'll never truly heal.

Start enjoying the single life by doing things you've wanted to do, go to places where you can interact with other people like learn a language or craft making so you won't feel totally alone.

[CodenameVillanelle]

So you want to take all that mess and dump it on another woman to make you feel better??
Please don't

[Flyingagainstreason]

Wow the way you treated your ex you are completely right you don’t deserve her!
Get some therapy ASAP before you fuck up anymore women’s lives.
You genuinely sound about 6 years old and you’re upset someone else took a toy you threw in the bin

[Techway]

I am not suggesting you sit and mope for months. Talk to friends and family, get exercise, learn something new, read, plan a holiday. There is loads you can do to help yourself feel better.

Another person is not a plaster and it sound as if you deal with emotions really poorly. Giving someone the silent treatment for months is toxic. Why did you struggle to communicate, why did you choose to punish her? Answer these questions before inflicting the same treatment on someone else.

You need to fix your reactions to emotions as you seem afraid of emotions. If you are depressed see a GP. If you are sad know that it is natural but the sadness will end.

You have to decide..are you able to handle your own emotions or do you need someone else to help you mask them?

[NoMoreDickheads]

Yes I’m at the lowest point of my life, but I have to try and move on

So get therapy, maybe medication.

It's not healthy to dive into anything new or use someone to distract you or boost your ego, and it's not fair on the new person.

Part of me wants to stay single, but I also need company,

See your friends, then, or FaceTime them etc.

Yeah it’s so hard. In her defence she didn’t cheat, it was me who ended it in the new year then gave her the silent treatment for months (not proud of this and massively regretting my actions) I asked her to move out as I couldn’t cope, so I can’t blame her for meeeing someone else. I’m just gutted she didn’t tell me first

You dumped her, and were awful to her, so she didn't owe you anything at all.

As PP's said, find a way to move out/for her to move out. You'll feel better for it.

[Limpid]

Yeah it’s so hard. In her defence she didn’t cheat, it was me who ended it in the new year then gave her the silent treatment for months (not proud of this and massively regretting my actions) I asked her to move out as I couldn’t cope, so I can’t blame her for meeeing someone else. I’m just gutted she didn’t tell me first, and I had to find out by getting it out of her ( I could tell something was going on) but it has crushed me when it was confirmed. Even then, she’s still put it on hold when anyone else would have told me straight that it’s too late and she’s moved on and probably moved out or in with him. This is why it’s so confusing atm.

Yeah I agree it would be petty and I shouldn’t be looking at hooking up with anyone else. I’m just a mess really.

Ah, the old 'I'm a mess' defence. Not from where I'm standing. You ended your relationship,refused to communicate with your ex, asked her to leave -- and you still think she owes it to you to tell you she's in a new relationship, and that she''s the one at fault here for not spending a year crying into her tea about you leaving her? Incredible.

And now you'd like some casual 'female company' so you can show your ex that two can play at that game?

In my world, you'd be ringing a leper bell and wearing a hat marked 'Beware -- Toxically Selfish'.

[dodgeballchamp]

Good grief no. Women are not rehabilitation centres for men’s pain. Work on your own issues before transferring them onto someone else.

[Toedipper]

@ellsom

When you say you're massively regretting your actions, do you mean you regret breaking it off and want her back?

Yes, 100%. I knew I’d be devastated if we ever split up, but this is something else. I’ve had a very messed up head for a while and always blamed it on my relationship, knowing fine well if we split I’d be an absolute mess. I deserve it. She deserves better than me

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You've behaved appallingly. I know you're sad now but this situation is all you. And it sounds like you only want her back because she's seeing someone else. And do you think if you're seeing other women she will rethink?

Months of silent treatment? You need to do some serious work before considering another relationship.

[ellsom]

When you say you're massively regretting your actions, do you mean you regret breaking it off and want her back?

[Toedipper]

@Bunnymumy

I think you need to focus more on leaving that house. Or shifting her out. Depending on the ownership situation.

No way would I stay under the same roof as someone who cheated on me if it could at all be helped.

I think you need to bolster your ego that way. By making a decision about what's what. By leaving/telling her to leave you would be reclaiming any self respect you felt she took away by cheating like she did.

You need to stand on your own two feet. Not play the 'well I can see someone too' card. It will just look petty.

Get away from her first, then see about new company.

Yeah it’s so hard. In her defence she didn’t cheat, it was me who ended it in the new year then gave her the silent treatment for months (not proud of this and massively regretting my actions) I asked her to move out as I couldn’t cope, so I can’t blame her for meeeing someone else. I’m just gutted she didn’t tell me first, and I had to find out by getting it out of her ( I could tell something was going on) but it has crushed me when it was confirmed. Even then, she’s still put it on hold when anyone else would have told me straight that it’s too late and she’s moved on and probably moved out or in with him. This is why it’s so confusing atm.

Yeah I agree it would be petty and I shouldn’t be looking at hooking up with anyone else. I’m just a mess really.

[Anthilda]

I agree with Bunny.
You need to sort out the living arrangements. No wonder you are so down when you are alone in the next room while she is chatting with a new man.

I wouldn't see the harm in chatting to new people. As long as you are clear.
Dont string people along but make it very clear you're just wanting someone to chat to.

You need to work on yourself in the mean time.

Good luck.
Heartbreak is not nice.

[Bunnymumy]

I think you need to focus more on leaving that house. Or shifting her out. Depending on the ownership situation.

No way would I stay under the same roof as someone who cheated on me if it could at all be helped.

I think you need to bolster your ego that way. By making a decision about what's what. By leaving/telling her to leave you would be reclaiming any self respect you felt she took away by cheating like she did.

You need to stand on your own two feet. Not play the 'well I can see someone too' card. It will just look petty.

Get away from her first, then see about new company.

[Toedipper]

A few posts to reply to so here goes...

It’s not all about me, no. Yes I’m at the lowest point of my life, but I have to try and move on, I can’t keep sitting crying to myself while my ex is sitting in another room probably talking to this new guy. I need and want to interact with someone new, is this selfish? Maybe. But I’d be upfront with my situation and they might be in the same boat and want the same thing from me?

Like @DeeCeeCherry said you need to take your mind off things and try and heal yourself. If this is in the form of causal sex or meeting up for a coffee, who knows?

Part of me wants to stay single, but I also need company,‘working from home for 12 weeks hasn’t helped my loneliness problem, this isn’t including finding out my fiancé has met someone else while still living together, I wasn’t prepared for it (again my fault - but I’m still shocked and devastated)

[DeeCeeCherry]

Maybe. I used to be a great believer in taking time out after finishing a relationship and being heartbroken. Didn't believe that old saying about quickest way to get over a man is to get under another one. When LTR finished I hid at home for couple of weeks, a mate told me not to mope. Fake it till you make it. Went out with a relative one afternoon, met a guy & had a fling for 7 months. We both knew it was casual and I had so much fun going out & about with him as well as the sex, that I just forgot about my ex. Stopped missing him. Yet back when we finished I couldn't even imagine kissing another man, much less sleeping with one. I really was distraught.

Once the casual was very amicably over I more got on with things I'd started doing anyway. Exercise, other stuff that made me happy. Holiday, new job. Dated very occasionally, 3 years later met lovely current DP.

We're all different I really don't think you can base your decision on other peoples' way. Looking back I'm glad I didn't sit nursing my wounds for years as it were. Life's too short, why should I? If you want a casual hook up as long as the other person is on board/you don't lie and string along someone who's actually looking for a relationship, then it's ok. Tinder is good for that. Mind you I know 2 people who married their Tinder partners.

[PurpleTrilby]

Mate, best thing I ever did for myself was Choose to be single for a long time after a break up. For me that was 4 years, really helped me see the woods for the trees. I was not celibate, but I was crystal fucking clear that a relationship was off the table. Until it was not. Found my absolute soul mate at that point.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I'll admit I did this once. Rebound bloke who I was very honest with. I told him I wasn't interested in a real relationship but he fell anyway.

He was a great bloke and he didn't deserve the shit show I brought to his life. I hope he's happy because he was far too good for me at the time.

Don't do it to yourself or someone else.

[CodenameVillanelle]

No, you should definitely not do this. If you're open and honest about your emotional state on dating sites nobody will want to meet you, so you'd have to pretend you were able to offer something that you patently aren't which would be dishonest and manipulative.
You need to deal with your heartbreak before you even think about dating

[Limpid]

I’m not saying I want a serious relationship immediately after coming out of this one (it’s awkward, we still love together and she’s pretty much seeing someone else every day) but I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex) it would help and make me move on from hoping to sort things out with my ex (which I feel is a non-starter)

Gosh, it's all about you, isn't it? What would be in it for the hypothetical 'female company', other than a man who's hung up on his ex, still living with her, still hoping to ;patch things up with her, and just looking for an ego-boosting shag as distraction?

[Techway]

What do you hope to achieve by female company? Why are you so afraid of loneliness? Any feeling negative or positive never lasts forever.

Sure it can be a distraction to date quickly but that is using someone else to mask your pain, which is narcisstic. Think about it, what can you offer someone else, other than a superficial relationship that will soothe you. Is that fair?

Heartbreak is like an injury, you have to clean out the wound to let it heal properly.
If you just cover it up it might appear less painful but it will be worse in the longer term.

Heartbreak doesn't last forever, believe that you ARE strong enough to cope with the strong emotions. Take this as an opportunity to grow rather than avoid pain. It really will make you much more emotionally healthy in the long run.

[Toedipper]

@MrsTerryPratchett

I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex)

Have a think about why. Is it an ego boost, is it company and you're assuming women will be more understanding. Is it sex really. That's OK as long as you are very honest.

DO you have good mates? Because working on that before a new relationship is important.

Yeah admittedly it might be for an ego boost, I just don’t know.

I’m lucky I’ve got good mates, don’t have family to turn to really. I do get on well with women, always have done for some reason.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex)

Have a think about why. Is it an ego boost, is it company and you're assuming women will be more understanding. Is it sex really. That's OK as long as you are very honest.

DO you have good mates? Because working on that before a new relationship is important.

[Toedipper]

Thanks for the responses and advice.

I’m not saying I want a serious relationship immediately after coming out of this one (it’s awkward, we still love together and she’s pretty much seeing someone else every day) but I just think I really need some female company (not necessarily sex) it would help and make me move on from hoping to sort things out with my ex (which I feel is a non-starter)

I’m just lost and lonely atm

[Bunnymumy]

Nope.

Gotta get used to being in your own company. If you struggle with that then it might take some time but it's worth doing.