Advice please - 1st meeting, cautious

[Shayelle2009]

Hello, I would appreciate advice on this please. Been talking to a guy on bumble the last couple of weeks, we live about 20 miles apart. He works long hours and doesn't have a lot of free time. We’ve been keeping in touch as swapped numbers, via Whatsapp. We’re keen to meet and last night he said to me ‘give me your address I’ll come and see you tomorrow night’. I replied that he wasn't going to be coming to my house. He replied asking why not, I said I’ve never even met you. He replied saying fair enough but that hes just a normal guy and asked if there’s any parks near me where we can meet and walk his dog.

This has left me feeling uneasy... surely he can see why I wouldn’t want to just give him my address to come round one evening.. then asking me why not?! I’m not hugely experienced with online dating. Please can anyone say if I’m being overly cautious .. I believe he is genuine, he’s sent me photos of him with his family, we exchange voicenotes etc but for some reason I feel uneasy. End of the day he’s a stranger - though seems like a nice guy all the same.

Thoughts/advice for me please? What would you do??
Thanks x

[Shayelle2009]

Thanks everyone. Im taking all these tips onboard!! Sorry everyones had terrible experiences too. Im not going back onto OLD for now 😣 x

[Jjjjjj1981]

Really good call OP, you spotted it and got out 🎉

[midnightstar66]

I've had similar recently. I'd been speaking to a guy for quite a while and he was always trying to invite him self round. I've been so clear that this isn't not something that would happen til I knew someone well. It's not just my home and safe place but it's my dc's. He was always trying to push things a bit further like asking me to send voice notes, I don't like to and said this but he was a bit pushy about it. . Gave him the benefit of the doubt as maybe just a bit over enthusiastic. Only met once for a dog walk somewhere neutral due to lockdown then last week he suggested cuddling up with a movie and wine. No! Then last night a video out of nowhere of him playing with his dick under his boxers. I've never give ANY hint that I want this or would return such thing. BLOCKED. Should have just listened to the alarms at the start 🙄. This guy sounds similar, Jump ship now and save yourself the time and head space

[Sooobooored]

What happened to the walking the dog suggestion?

[gelert5619]

Your gut instincts are always right. Book The Gift of Fear By Gavin De Becker is very interesting and invaluable for any woman to read. Particularly about 'helpful' and 'polite' men who just don't seem right.

[user12699422578]

The vast majority of rapists will have charming family photos they can share with you. That is a terrible screening tool.

[chubbyhotchoc]

Lazy and only interested in sex. It's a shame you wasted all that time talking with him. When they say 'what are you looking for?' It's never normally a good sign. I always replied 'a gentleman' that weeded loads of nonsense out.
I used this book and it really helped with weeding out time wasters, chat online and setting dates up effectively.
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Date-Single-Dating-Manual/dp/1911175114?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[crimsonlake]

To be honest I think a lot of men do not want to meet in real life, they just like the ego boost of chatting. Or like yours expect a lot back for minimal effort.

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

If he was a truly good guy he'd know it is off key to invite himself to a woman's home without even knowing her!

[Shayelle2009]

He put ‘not much open around my way still. If i wasnt moving id say come here and watch a film with me but there’s too much laying around’.
Which made me start fuming. I put ‘shall we just leave it. Think we’re looking for different things’. He said what are you looking for? (He’d asked me this yday and Id already answered). I just replied ‘good luck finding what you do/dont want. Im out’ then i blocked everywhere.
Urgh fed up of wasting my time on these dickheads. Thanks to everyone who replied. I need to just listen to my gut more 😣

[Viragoesque]

Good call, OP.

[chubbyhotchoc]

@Shayelle2009 why ? what was his response?

[Crystalspider]

Well done op you've saved yourself future grief, you just have to bin off the sleazy ones, The right man will come along because you will recognise the signs and ask you on a proper date.

[RaspberryGirl]

Just read all the thread. Glad you blocked him. My blocked list on WhatsApp is really big

[crimsonlake]

Welcome to the strange world of OLD.
I think most of us have had our fair share of strange ones. I like to think I am a very experienced OLD user, but I still sometimes find myself surprised.

[RaspberryGirl]

I’ve done a lot of online dating over the past 9 years and any man who suggests coming over to your house is not one I’d pursue, even if he claims his intentions were innocent.
Depends what you’re looking for though. I wanted a relationship and was quite cut throat in the end (but it took me a while to see through them!)

[Shayelle2009]

Twat... im just angry now. Sick of these fucking pricks!!! 😠

[Shayelle2009]

Ive blocked him - hes a sleaze. Job done 👍

[Viragoesque]

I wouldn't bother with him, any decent guy wouldn't invite themselves around when you don't know them so he's either stupid to say 'why not' or is making you feel bad for turning his offer down.

I agree -- the man is either stupid or ill-intentioned to make that original suggestion and query your absolutely correct response.

And OP, now you're the one going to the effort to travel to somewhere near his workplace and suggesting lunch or coffee, to a man who (regardless of his sexual intentions) didn't see the need for anything like that much effort -- he just wanted to show up at your house (were you supposed to meekly feed him and shag him?), and failing that, a sulky suggestion of you accompanying him on part of his daily routine.

This man is not going to the slightest trouble for you. I wouldn't go to the slightest trouble for him. In fact, I'd block him.

[chubbyhotchoc]

@Shayelle2009 your text is fine but I would in future be firmer. 'How about this...' implies you are trying and willing to placate him and negotiate. Your preferences and boundaries just need simple assertion. He should be trying to please you and make you feel comfortable not the other way around.

[JustC]

Perfectly reasonable solution OP.

[Crystalspider]

I wouldn't bother with him, any decent guy wouldn't invite themselves around when you don't know them so he's either stupid to say 'why not' or is making you feel bad for turning his offer down.
The thought of a park walk gives me the heebie jeebies unless during the day, very open space with plenty of people around, I wouldn't follow him and his dog into any wooded areas.
My quite honestly I don't think he's got good intentions and is just looking for sex.

[Shayelle2009]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Ive messaged saying ‘how about this for an idea.. ill come and meet you around your work for a coffee or lunch one day this week’. I feel more in control this way. If hes not on it then he was only after a shag but if he then all good.

[okiedokieme]

Without the normal places open I suspect he just thought your house was a good idea forgetting the safety aspect. Park is a good option

[chubbyhotchoc]

Don't explain yourself. You state your boundary by saying what you want and stick to it. Rinse and repeat and if he keeps pushing his own agenda ignore. 'I'd rather meet for a drink when things open up' would be my line.